DIARY OF A PSYCHOPATH BY GANEREL

THE DECISION

I've been thinking about it for a while.

Not in a confused way.

Not in a questioning way.

Just... observing.

Myself.

The way I react.

The way I think.

The way I don't feel things the way others do.

At first, I thought it was temporary.

Something that would pass.

Something I needed to fix.

But now-

I see it differently.

There's nothing to fix.

This isn't damage.

This is an adaptation.

People change to survive.

Some become louder.

Some become stronger.

Some become harder.

I became quieter.

Colder.

More aware.

And it worked.

I don't get hurt the way I used to.

I don't get overwhelmed.

I don't lose control.

Everything is... stable.

Predictable.

And for the first time-

I feel in control of my own mind.

That matters more than anything else.

She talked to me again today.

I tried to understand.

"You don't have to be like this," she said.

I looked at her.

For a moment-

I almost said something different.

Almost.

But I didn't.

"Like what?" I asked.

She hesitated.

"Distant. Closed off. Like you're pushing everything away."

Everything.

That word again.

I'm not pushing everything away.

Just the things that don't last.

Just the things that hurt.

Just the things that make people lose themselves.

"I'm fine," I said.

She sighed.

"You keep saying that."

I know.

Because it's the only answer that makes sense.

Not to her.

But to me.

She looked at me for a long time.

Longer than usual.

Like she was trying to hold on to something.

Then she said something I didn't expect.

"I miss you."

That should have meant something.

I know it should have.

I understand what it means.

The weight behind it.

The emotion inside it.

But inside me-

There was nothing.

Just... recognition.

And that's when I knew.

Not because of what I felt.

But because of what I didn't.

This isn't going away.

And I don't want it to.

Because going back means feeling everything again.

The pressure.

The expectations.

The disappointment.

And I've already lived through that.

I don't need to repeat it.

So today-

I made a decision.

Not out of pain.

Not out of anger.

But out of understanding.

I'm not going back.

Not to who I was.

Not to how I felt.

This version of me-

Is easier.

Stronger.

Safer.

And maybe people won't understand it.

Maybe they'll think something is wrong.

But that doesn't matter anymore.

Because for the first time-

I'm not trying to be understood.

I'm just trying to exist...

On my own terms.