Asmo's Love

Rhyme and verse

I FEEL LIKE HE'S HIDING something from me.

"What's wrong?"

I looked down to my side and was met by the worried expression drawn on David's face as he skimmed over my bothered demeanor. His eyes were glimmered with anxiety and I tried to ignore my inner hunches, pulling off a strained smile on my lips instead. I brushed the hair falling on his forehead and sighed.

"Nothing," I said in a reassuring tone and leaned down to shift his mood with a sweet short kiss, adding, "I love you."

Though I deliberately said it more towards myself, in relevance. It felt like a spoken reminder. It was one way of convincing myself to stop being overtly deluded. We love each other. That's fair enough... But as I stared back to the ceiling, I just can't shake off this nagging feeling at the back of my mind ever since that day he received a strange call from that person. I still have no idea who and how he met that guy at work yet for some reason, it felt disturbingly suspicious.

"I'm really sorry if I can't be there at Evangeline's on Saturday," I heard David uttered to me after a moment. He sounded really worried about it and I tried to ease his guilt by wrapping an arm around his shoulder, pulling him closer

"It's alright," I said, but it felt half-hearted. Avoiding to say anything else, I swiftly resigned to kissing the top of his head again.

I don't really want to resort to something I might regret in the future. This distracting thought could be just nothing more than a mere malicious conception only brought out by my jealous nature. I don't want to add any more stress to myself as well, with what's been going on now with the band and everything. Things are just starting to finally become much more appealing and even though it has gotten more demanding at the same time, I still felt like it would be too bad to spoil it all with the doubtful reservations I had in my mind.

I really have to keep myself away from doubting David. I don't want to feel like this. It's like betraying him in a sense. Trust is a very big part of being in a relationship and it would be blasphemy to taint it with unpleasant assumptions. I feel like I'd really lose control if I let it sway me down. And I don't want this to tear us apart.

No, I don't want that to happen.

I don't want to ever lose David. If I have one thing I could never live without, that would only be him in my life. David is the first and only person who had totally given up everything he had just to be with me. If that's not love, I don't know what to call this anymore. It's probably the very reason why I will never let go of him no matter what happens. I knew, for once, I will never meet someone like him in my life. He's been the only one.

Liar.

I closed my eyes and felt an intense wave of helpless guilt splashing all over me. I know. I would totally be lying to say David was the only one in my life. Because once upon a time, in the past left unspoken, there had been Tina.

I haven't really talked much about her for the last three years. Whenever the subject was brought up, or when David just decidedly had the urge to poke into my past relationship before him, I just only gave a little view of what I had been like with Tina. She was... I guess I could say, the real first love. It was long before I eventually fell in love with David. So long ago when I was still completely oblivious about my real identity and feelings. And it was just for a brief moment that I had once been innocently in love with Tina during my puberty years.

I guess, she was really the girl. She has been the only one from the female population who caught my attention in a flash. I don't know, I was never really good in dealing with the whole infatuation thing. But with her, it just came out so naturally. Everything just played out so easily. She was my first crush, my second first kiss, my first relationship, first s*x, and every first that eventually led me to discover the basics of emotions and human affection.

If I didn't ever meet David, just hypothetically speaking, I might have still been in a long-term relationship with her. I guess I haven't really explored that much in the whole fiasco of flirting and occasional dating but I don't feel like I would ever really need the experience. If I have fancied someone that deep, I don't see the appeal anymore. And to me, it could only be David or if not him, Tina would be second.

Damn... What am I even thinking now? Why am I saying it like this? I'm beginning to sound like an asshole. What the hell am I comparing the two for? Why am I starting to feel like I need to lay it out like this?

My confused thoughts had me staying awake this whole night as I tried to lull myself back to sleep by focusing on the comforting sound of David's breathing against my chest. I'm an asshole.

I have to stop this. I have to stop thinking about Tina. She's only a past. And David... David is my future.

Holding on to that strong notion, I finally closed my eyes and hugged David closer to me. His scent slowly led me back to slumber with only the addictive warmth of his body caving me back into a peaceful comfort.

"THE FIRST TASTE OF your lips, drowned me to paradise..."

I let these words danced in a fluctuating sequence as I rhythmically experimented with each syllable through the short clip chords strummed on my guitar. I had been going over these lines on and on, in a repetitive manner for the past three hours this afternoon, but I was still having great difficulties from ever getting past the first few notes of the melody. No matter how much I tried to reinvent and get a better sound for these lyrics, I still could not find the right feeling for it.

The angling rays of the sunlight from the windowpane, across the couch where I was sitting, struck a straight glow towards the floor. The curtains flapped against the wall as it moved pliantly along the breeze of the wind from the outside, and it harmoniously blended with the calmness of the entire moment.

I watched this serene scene played before my eyes but still grew more and more frustrated. I could not seem to stop and stray my thoughts away from this neutralizing demo song that had been stuck on the same part for days now. And the longer I kept trying to rearrange the music, the more it sounded too rotten. I felt lost. I'm running out of chords and rhymes. The burden of this anxiety instantly hit me like a madman.

What's wrong with me?

The silence filled the whole apartment as it surrounded me in a depleting dilemma, clouded by my troubles, and it slowly submerged me in a disturbing feeling of absolute solitude.

What is going on?

The words that had been scribbled in careless fashion in my journal, lifelessly mocked me back in solemn retaliation.

"The first taste of your lips..."

I tried to strum the words again over a different chord but it just got even worse.

I finally stopped and put away the guitar off my lap, feeling an intense need to see David... My eyes began to water and it brought a misty view into my vision. I was starting to lose my touch. And it seemed like I could not write anything now...

Is this some kind of punishment?

This terrifying realization immediately dawned over me as the overwhelming disappointment brought me down to a suffocating level of anxiety. I could no longer write... And this, by far, made me feel immensely doomed.

How antagonizing to even admit this, yet I had to unwillingly accept the truth. And as I sat there, alone and lost in grief, I have finally come to face my greatest fear as a poet…

I could no longer write anything at all.