inspired to kill

Chapter 2

I saw my hands shake as I started to read the note. My test results on what I am suffering from should help me understand. "What if it is worse than I would ever imagine?" My eyes glued the paper.

'Borderline Personality Disorder?'

I glared at the paper; threw it in my open bag after I completely crumbled it up into a ball. I held my necklace and thought about death. I loved the sound of that idea, but it just made me feel obsessed about it. I sat up and looked at the time. It always seems that dying was easy and living was hard. A month ago. Jamie? Maybe I will see her soon, because it is almost visiting hours. I lay down and try to forget where I am, but the atmosphere kept haunting me. To imagine how many people died in this room. It is like I can still hear them screaming for help; I could not sleep at all. The room became darker, my eye sight went blurry and my heart raced. I am losing my sight again and I could not breathe and fainted silently into the bed like a dead corpse did after being buried beneath ground. Except I wasn't a corpse and this was only a bed. I could hear the voices yelling inside my head.

'You are all alone... Nothing matters, but death.'

The machine next to me started beeping as I lost control of reality and could not breathe enough to let any words come out of my mouth. I felt my body fade away like ice cream did on a very hot day. They managed to get me to function properly. "Doctor?" The doctor left without a trace of what happened earlier, he took off and shut the door loud. In came a familiar face and greeted me with a huge smile; a bag was hanging from her shoulders as she came closer. My eyes were open to what was in front of me. Jamie?

"Hello, Ju-Rain. I missed you!" Her words broke my smile and tears started streaming down my cheeks as if my eyes had become waterfalls. As my body sunk more into the bed leaving only my thoughts alone to wander around the empty, dark and hollow room. The previous year I never really thought that my life would matter to anyone, but Jamie. She saw me as someone that had high grades, an empty smile and a melancholic heart. Those were the things she saw other than my wise mind and my poetic sense of self determination. She had never imagined a day that I would ever leave. Now she sees me here, in this stupid, lonely and isolated room. With nothing else but drips in my pulse and no explanation to why I was here. Her eyes started to tear up as she started to hold my hand - in disbelief - when my smile grew big. Her hand were warm, filled with sympathy and love. Something I had never received in childhood. My Mom's love was there, it was visible, but I could not feel the embrace she had in her. My dad, he left. How could a family be so cold, yet care so much? How can I survive, when I know this might be the end? My hand let go and covered my eyes in discomfort. She leaned in for a hug, but was rejected by my scream of terror that filled the room. "Ju-Rain?" She asked.

My voice, so soft, spoke gently. "I cannot bear this anymore." My hands were shaking as the thought of death came back to me. Leaving her with unacceptable behaviour, I cried. "I-I a-am a mess!"

My life was threatened by so many things. Things that were, things that are and things yet to come. My life was a living example of how worthless I was. "No, do not think so negatively. Rainy? I am here. I will never give up on you!" Her last words made me calm.

Despite being this numb, I could feel her hug -which made me feel so warm - that makes up for all the times I never received a single hug. We both listened to music and I closed my eyes in thought. Music was anyone's escape, for me it was like magic. Music should probably provide answers in terms of lyrical content, and giving people a sense of togetherness and oneness, as opposed to being alone in their thoughts and dilemmas or regrets or happiness or whatever. Nothing has ever make more sense than just closing yourself off from the world to just stop thinking too much. It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude. My life could have been more better if only I had different parents or maybe not being born at all. Sometimes it’s easier to pretend you do not care than to admit it’s killing you. Jamie hugged me with all her strength.