I'm A Dream

Trigger Warning

"cause everybodys on đřūğ§"

TW

The following chapter contains mentions of self h@rm and @ddiction if those are a sensitive or triggering topic for you please do not read this chapter. skipping this chapter will NOT make it harder to understand what's happening and you aren't missing any important details to this story. please do not read if this topic will hurt you.

I hear the door open and hurry down stairs. my feet are aching. I dont ever realize how much iv been pacing until I wake up and my feet are swollen and sore. one time I didn't notice them getting burned and bleeding and it got bad enough I couldn't walk for the next three days. "I'm home!" I run down stairs "hi!" but my welcome was already drowned out by the arguing.

my mom and brother were always at each others throats. I knew my brother would take it out on me later and I already had enough bruises from him for the day so I just walk away hoping they didn't notice me. my dad comes home not long after and joins the argument. its so loud I cant stand it anymore. Its all I can hear, it brings up those feelings of my past and it sends me over the edge. I black out, I was still conscious but its like my body had a mind of its own and I was to out of it to understand what's happening. when I finally came to all I saw was blood. not much, just a few little droplets but it was enough to completely ruin my life for the next year.

I did it again and kept going until the fighting stopped. I was high on endorphins pain and blood loss and it felt amazing. That night I had a headache and took some painkillers hoping that it would also help with the other pain and the constant replay of my past. I am assuming you can see where this one is going.

I am not going to describe the next year in detail because of the darkness of it but to summarize I learned that maladaptive daydreaming had a name and that what I had gone through was trauma no matter how much people told me it wasn't. I struggled very heavily with addiction from the meds and the self h@rm. I od'd on a couple different occasions before I decided that I didn't want to die like this and that I wanted to live life at its best. I went through withdrawals 5 times, relapsed 4 times, weighed a total of 98 pounds, and finally got and stayed clean for three years and counting.