Letters With Boys

Bridget's Journal, Week 10 - November

November 15th

Dear Diary,

Well, I told Kai.

It wasn’t exactly smooth or easy. We met up for coffee at the Black Cat Café, only it was really crowded, and I didn’t want to tell him there, so I suggested we take a stroll. Only then it was crowded on the street, too, so I told him we should just drive back to my house.

At which point he said in that frustrated Kai voice, “Bridget. Just tell me what’s going on.”

So I sat him down on a bench and parted my lips to speak, and I spent approximately ten minutes trying to get the two words out. It was probably the most difficult ten minutes of my life, if I’m being honest. I kept getting distracted by my fear that some passerby would hear me, and that maybe it would turn out to be a classmate, or something, or even my parents. And also by my fear that Kai wouldn’t even like this. How well did I really know him, anyway? Why did I think I could trust him with a secret I haven’t even trusted with Mem and Tally?

And then he said—I kid you not—“You’re gay, aren’t you?”

And I just sort of gaped at him.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “It’s not obvious. My mom took a seminar on repressed homosexuality in teens, and the behavioral signs that they might be hiding something. They weren’t you to a T, but they got me thinking.”

A part of me wanted to immediately deny it, but I decided that since the hardest part was technically over, I might as well get on with it. So I said, “Fine. Yes. And you can’t tell anyone, Kai. Ever.”

He got all sad-looking at that, and he asked me more softly, “Why haven’t you told the girls?”

I tried feeding him the line about not wanting to put even more on their plates, but before the words were even out of my mouth, I could tell he didn’t buy them.

“Tally’s dad died eight years ago,” he reminded me. “How many more can you be expected to wait? And anyway, that’s not how friendship works, and you know it.”

He’s right, of course. Kai has this annoying habit of always being right.

The truth is, telling Kai is different because he’s an outlier in my life. I haven’t known him long, and for all I know, I won’t know him a year from now. 

Memphis and Bridget… well, telling them would be much more real.

“I know,” he said gently when I told him that. “Which is why you have to do it.”

But I’m not so sure I can.

Love,

Me

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

November 16th

Dear Diary,

I thought about telling them today, for about two nanoseconds. We agreed to ditch fourth period for an extended lunch break, but before fourth period is third period, AKA English, AKA the class where we get our letters. And during that class, Tally had a meltdown.

Okay, that’s an exaggeration, for sure. Tally doesn’t really have meltdowns. I know that for sure because she never really even had one when her dad killed himself. I mean, she cried, certainly, especially at the funeral. But no panic attacks, or anything.

She thinks Kai doesn’t want her to meet his parents. 

I guess I get the insecurity, to some extent. He’s already met one of her brothers, and is supposed to meet the other next week during Thanksgiving break. In his last letter to her, he sort of explicitly stated that he’ll be spending Thanksgiving day with his parents, and, you know, didn’t invite her.

I sympathize with her—really, I do. I don’t even think she’s wrong that something’s going on there. I mean, Kai is obviously crazy about her, which would lead me to believe he should want her to meet his parents. Right? Tally’s not exactly the type parents don’t like; Tally is the type everybody likes.

Anyway, I told her that—that I sympathize with her—and then stopped paying attention. Tomorrow, or the next day, I’m sure I’ll do more consoling. Maybe I’ll even tell Kai he’s being a jackass; the poor guy almost certainly doesn’t realize it.

But for now, I have a Hers message to respond to. I’ve waited long enough already.

Love,

Me

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

November 17th

Dear Diary,

I messaged her back.

It wasn’t very clever, whatever I came up with. It was something like, “How was your weekend?,” which doesn’t really even make sense, since I sent it on Tuesday.

But she responded. And responded again. And now we’ve been chatting nonstop.

Okay, not really nonstop. I pretty much only pull out the app in the privacy of a bathroom stall, or at home in the privacy of my bedroom. If anyone sees me on a lesbian dating app, I might just keel over and die.

My heart won’t stop pounding. 

She’s really cool. Down to earth. She goes to Whitley, which is the actual, coed public school in Granger. (We don’t talk about it much because they hate private school kids and never invite us to any of their parties, nor do we invite them to ours. We don’t hate them; we just hate that they hate us.) She made fun of me for going to Alexandria, but in sort of a flirty, cute way, not a mean way. 

She takes the singing thing pretty seriously, plays the keyboard, and even has a small band at her school (I thought about asking whether they needed a drummer, until I remembered that would mean instant cross-pollination of my two, separate lives). Overall, she just seems... really cool.

Tally seems a little better today. I think she’s a little jealous of Memphis at this point, since Gray seems just about ready to profess his love to Memphis, her parents, her brother, us, and pretty much anyone else who will listen. 

That kind of behavior embarrass the s**t out of Tally, though, so whether she realizes it or not, it’s better that she has Kai.

Will update you tomorrow about Taylor.

Love,

Me

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

November 18th

Well, I called it—Gray and Memphis are going to have lunch with her parents today instead of attending fourth period.

(We never got around to skipping the other day, thanks to Tally’s non-meltdown.)

I’m curious how it’s going to go. Gray isn’t exactly the meet-the-parents type, but then, Mem’s parents aren’t exactly normal. They’re the sort of ex-hippie, bleeding-heart-liberal types who believe the best way to teach your kid is to sort of just throw them to the wolves.

Which, in Mem’s case, turned out to be some pretty vicious wolves.

Still, her parents mean well, unlike mine. So there’s that.

Anyway, enough about all that. Let’s talk more about Taylor.

Everything is going great between us, except for one, little problem: she doesn’t know I’m in the closet.

I haven’t technically said I’m out of the closet, mind you. The subject hasn’t come up at all. But she’s so open and honest about everything, I have a feeling she’s way out. And that she’s not going to like that I’m not.

So, basically, it’s time for even more secrets.

Love,

Me

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

November 19th

Dear Diary,

She wants to meet me.

What do I do?!

I panic-called Kai while ditching AP Calc (gonna regret that one later), and that helped a little. He very calmly told me that if I want to meet her, I should meet her.

“But won’t people see us?” I demanded. “Won’t they know?”

“I’m not sure what’s all that suspicious about two girls getting a bite, or a drink,” he said. “Maybe just don’t suck face with her in the middle of the restaurant.”

He’s right, I guess. 

Which means I might actually say yes.

Love,

Me