Dosed

Chapter 4: Time to face Nana

“Sol, babe you ok? Your face is a mess sis, damn. Please can I take you to hospital, you need to get looked at” he pleaded.

“Nah, I’m ok. I’ll get Chelsea to come over tomorrow and clean me up some more” I barely whispered. “Is he gone Rigo? Will you keep him away?”

“Nah he is still rummaging around for something, says he can’t find Jason’s heart. What the f**k is he talking about? He is seriously messed up man.”

I turn to the tile hanging on the wall and realise that manipulative asshole wants to get at me one more time. Probably to beg me to let him stay or slap me one last time, either way I’m not interested. As I turned around to take the tile off the wall Rodrigo gasps.

“What did he do to you? Why did you let him do this?! I told you he was s**t, I told you to let me get rid of him! Why did you just take this?!” he shouts as he sees the damage written over my back.

“Rodrigo, not now, I know. You were always right. You and Nana have always told me and I never listened now I’m the painted fool. But just get him out of here please. Take him to the bus station he’ll be high within an hour and that’s it. He won’t come back and if he does I won’t open the door anymore, I’m done Rigo, look at this..” I drop the back of my towel and show him the welts and bruises. “I’ve learned my lesson now trust me, I’m done”

I passed him the heart tile, he could have it, I had Jason, I had love left. I hadn’t injected it all away, I hadn’t ignored what was real and I got to keep the prize.

“Give him this and go please, I want to get dressed and I want quiet. Please get him out of here.”

“I can’t guarantee you he’ll get there alive sis, I can’t let him get away with this...”

“Shut up and just do it my way, please, just get him gone and then get back here and go back to doing what you do best. Sit out on the porch smoke, drink do whatever just make sure he’s gone.”

I pleaded with him, “Don’t walk away from this with blood on your hands especially that, its toxic and will come back to haunt you, just dump the trash and get back, life is going to continue without him tomorrow, I’ll make sure of that.”

Rodrigo, turned to go then took a step back and turned around, “Soleil, mi hermana, lo siento..” he tries to hug me but I know it will hurt so I stop him.

“ I know bro, I know. It’s not your fault its mine, it will all be ok. Just go. Please.” I shut the bathroom door again and looked at the mirror again. Life would be different now, it had to be, I had to be different. No point suffering this just to keep suffering. The replay button had been pressed and I was different, I could feel change in myself. Every injury was still pinching me and warning me to move on and away. Change your life Soleil, stop being changed and let your light shine.

When silence was the only sound I could hear I cracked the door open and looked through the gap. Praying they were gone, I felt emboldened and threw the door open, dropped my towel and walked to my room completely nude. The air felt nice on my skin and I felt brazen, liberated and oddly in control. I walked into my bedroom and headed straight for my closet. I glanced at the bed but didn’t linger. No need to share that with anyone anymore, I felt like if I climbed in I would sleep for days. I pulled out some long sleeved pyjamas and grimaced as they settled on my wounds and headed out the door again.

I walked very quietly, I wanted to hear the silence and enjoy the tranquillity as my mind was racing, screaming and totally confused. I thought I should be angry or sad but I was nothing, I was dull. I knew what happened had happened and I was safe from physical harm and, so long as he stayed away from me, no more mental trauma could be inflicted. I was calm, serene and not sad in the least. It was almost like what happened needed to happen and I knew this. It felt like the beating was my penance and that life would continue to something new now. I felt tranquil in the thought that this was me now, I was beaten, bruised, bloodied but not defeated. I felt lighter and flashes of optimism were popping into my head to interrupt the confusion. I could do what I wanted now, eat what I wanted and plan out each day exactly as I wanted. I would no longer spend hours trying to pacify the monster or hide his addiction. The children would have full run of the house now and I wouldn’t shout at them if they screamed in the house or left their towel on the bathroom floor. No more shouting, no more anger, no more negativity. From today me and the kids would live life and enjoy as much of each day as we could in the sunlight not under a raincloud never sure when the thunder and lightning would start.

I got to the family room and the blood on the doorframe caught my eye but I walked further into the room. Rigo had done well, all of my equipment was still there and untouched. I still had my talents and I still had so many projects on that I could just bury myself here and find bliss. The money would come in, I never got much off Brody any ways and even if it didn’t I knew we would be fine. My kids never demanded anything off me, they never cared about having the best things, it was all okay. I started to feel more confident that tonight was the beginning of a great part of my life, that I had rescued something and salvaged some integrity intact. I felt stronger and determined and so much lighter. I guess freedom always comes at a price but that duty had been paid now and life owed me back a bit now.

I started to notice little things were missing and things had just been pushed to the floor. He really did take all he could, if it had a value I didn’t see it anymore. I was never attached to things, I never had much so I never understood how some ‘thing’ would ever control my actions or determine my mood. If I had a thing in my possession I would appreciate it and look after it but to cry if it broke or went missing; never. My mama would often beat be for that. She used to say “things come and go, hold onto the real treasures in life”. I guess she was referring to herself and my lack of interaction with her but what a good lesson to learn young. Possessions never held a value or a meaning to me and I never felt tied to anything or required to spend spend spend. My attitude always made having no money easier to live with and made the world my treasure and wealth.

I walked around the family room, taking in the broken table the overturned chair and lamp. My throat ached and I never wanted to say another word. It was like I was silenced by the situation and silenced by a boulder in my throat that would turn to helpless sobs if I allowed it to. I got to the kitchen and stared at the unfinished potatoes I was working on when the bell went. I had diced the onions and had steak strips ready to grill. I had looked forward to our fajita night, the one night that always seemed to go well. We all sat down and everyone got to make their own version of glorious steak fajitas. Jason loved the guacamole while Lily devoured the sour cream. Brody smothered his meat in cheese and pickles and loved the super shredded Monterey Jack with jalapeños. I was just looking forward to sitting down and enjoying a moment of bliss, a little time free of demands and full of jovial conversations. Brody never messed those nights up. It was like he viewed it as a weekly penance for the blind eye treatment he enjoyed off me and he would make the most of it, laughing with the kids and telling them stories of his adventures on the road and the not so kind food he met on the way.

I decided to clear that up tomorrow. Maybe I would do it for lunch, keep the kids home from school and celebrate with extra portions and no jalapeños. I’d get Nana to come and sit with us, a thank you for taking in the kids. I walked to the back door and put my slippers on. The back door was still open and I strode out onto the lawn and looked up even though the pain in my neck was burning. The stars welcomed me back to life, and greeted me back to the world I belonged in. Even through the pink haze of urban life, they twinkled and winked, reassuring me of safety and reach I had yet to attain. I had a quick look around and opened the gate to the front yard. I walked out onto the lawn and nodded towards Carlos and Omar sitting in their BMW parked outside and felt grateful for their presence. I walked towards them as they hurried out of the car and raced towards me.

“Soleil, hermana, que te ha pasado?” Carlos asks worried.

“It got bad Carlos. Are they gone?”

“Rigo jumped in with his bat and that piece of s**t and Javier followed in his car. The punk took his car, so Rigo took the bat to it a bit just to send him off properly.”

“Good, keep an eye out, I’m off to see Nana.”