She was Her Desire

She cheated!

“Yes, it is about James. I don’t know how to say this without making it really bad.” Stacy said. She was still reluctant, she wished she had stayed home that night.

“What about him. You are giving me too much anxiety.” Jess said. She sort of felt that this as not going to be exciting news at all.

“I think something happened between us.” Stacy said, “On New Year’s Eve, I really don’t know what exactly happened but I think something did. I really cannot remember anything.” Stacy said. She didn’t have the strength to tell more. She wanted to tell her that she had cheated on her too. And that she had done so with a man. But she was afraid that jess would be disgusted in her. She didn’t know how to live without her. She had gotten to the comfort and love she had been offered by this one girl.

“What’s that supposed to mean Stacy? Did you just confess to cheating on me with James?” Jess didn’t want hear herself say those words out loud. She wanted to believe that she was overthinking it all.

“I’m sorry baby.” Stacy was all she could manage to say. After all, she was guilty as charged. She had cheated on her with James. She admitted to herself.

“I just can’t deal with that right now. I thought we were good babe.” Jess said. The painful words cut through her flesh like a sharp knife, like she was used to cutting her enemies in the video games.

“We are babe, I was drunk, and I don’t remember much of anything from that night.” Stacy explained. She would do anything to prove that it was a mistake, probably the worst mistake of her life.

“I don’t even know what to say.” Jess said, she stood up and walked out of the apartment. She didn’t know what to do. As much as she couldn’t live without her, she couldn’t get over the fact that she was cheated on, cheated on with a man. She wanted to clear her head and forget anything ever happened. She wanted it to be just but a dream. Sadly, she had felt it, she had known something was wrong. She didn’t have anywhere else to go and she was not going to make the same mistake again. Not this time. She wanted to deal with this head on, without alcohol, but with sober mind. Leaving without Stacy was going to blow her life big time.

Stacy was left in the house. She was not sure whether Jess would come back, she didn’t know whether it was going to be the same again. She had cheated on her with a man, she thought to herself, a man she didn’t like. She had only liked one man, and that was it for her. She had been gay all the time and when she admitted it to herself, she felt like a heavy load was lifted off her shoulders. She remembered her high school years. She hadn’t known who she was, if anything, she was used to normalcy, the societal way, that every female, should be attracted to a male counterpart. She had been told it was despicable to like someone of the same s*x. She remembered her grandma, who had brought her up. She had been brought up well, her family, living in a large estate in Boston, was respectable. She had to do right by everything her family stood up for. She had been first attracted to a girl, right after high school but she had resisted it. She thought something was wrong with her. She couldn’t tell her parents about kit, or anyone else for that matter. Over the years, she had been approached by new boy in the neighbourhood. She had felt at ease, she was normal. She didn’t have to hide it and all but she wasn’t happy either. There was something missing in the whole mix, and so they broke up.

Stacy was still sitting on the couch, staring at the front door, hoping that Jess would come back to her, come back and say that she wanted her, that all was not over. She stood up and walked into the bathroom. She needed to relax. She started the shower and waited for the water to warm up before letting her silk dress fall off her shoulders as she got in, letting the warm water fall on her body. It was supposed to feel better, to feel warmer but it felt empty, cold and she desire something, something that only Jess could offer. Her eyes were teary but she didn’t want to cry, she didn’t want to admit that she had lost the trust of the only woman she ever loved this deeply.

Jess had gone back to the club. She wanted to think, she wanted to get a little drunk. She didn’t know what to do. She had sworn that she was going to fight for Stacy and that is exactly what she was going to do. However, she didn’t know how to deal with this. It hurt as deeply as she loved her, it felt like something was pushing and pulling at the same time. There was no way she was going to lose her. But how was she going to forgive this, how was she supposed to move past this? Was she every going to trust Stacy after all this? She kept wondering, her mind racing. She kept drinking, one after other until the bartender announce that it was the last round. It was almost morning. How time flies, she thought as she struggled out of the high stool at the bar. She had taken a few too many. She could barely walk. Luckily for her, she had been to the bar regularly and the lady bartender had always noticed her. She had never seen Jess that drunk. She dragged her to the empty but cozy lounge before she blacked out.

Jess woke up a few hours later that day, neither she nor Stacy had gone to work. The bartender had always known Jess was dating and living with Stacy. Everyone in the neighborhood had always seen them together. She had looked for Jess phone in her pockets. Luckily, it was not locked and she called Stacy, who was in speed dial. Stacy had come to the club to pick Jess up and took her home. She had put her to bed and slept right next to her. She was going to wait for her. After all, she hadn’t slept either.

Jess couldn’t remember anything that happened the previous evening but she remembered about Stacy and James. She turned to see Stacy who slept with her arm around her. She was still a beautiful and Jess wondered why she had to be the one to hurt her this much. Her head hurt, she had drunk a lot last night, she remembered. How she got home was a mystery though. She rose up slowly not to wake up Stacy and went to the bathroom. It was around noon

“s**t!” She said out loud. She was supposed to be at work but it was too late. She had to call in sick. She didn’t have to worry much since she didn’t miss work a lot of times. All she had to do was call in sick. She needed the day off.

“You okay in there?” Stacy’s voice came from the outside.

“Yeah” Jess simply said. She didn’t know what else to say. She wanted to know how she got home though.

“Hey, how did I get here?” She asked as she left the bathroom. Stacy was standing by the door.

“You don’t remember, do you? I brought you home. You kind of blacked out at the club and that girl called me to get you. What were you thinking?” Stacy asked. She had been worried but didn’t bother to follow her. She should have looked for her but she had figured that she wanted to be alone; even her would have wanted to be alone.

“I just went to grab a beer.” Jess said. Even as angry as she was, she still respected her. She would always explain herself to her and no one else.

“Well you drunk all night.” Stacy said. She wanted to yell at her asking her why she was so careless but she remembered that she had been as careless too.

“I am sorry I got you worried.” Jess said, as she sank on the couch. She reached out for her phone which was lying on the table.

“Are we going to talk about this or we are going to ignore it?” Stacy managed to ask.

Jess eyes became dull, her face pale. You could read the hurt in her eyes, she couldn’t blame Stay but she was worried about their relationship. She wasn’t sure whether it was worth fighting for. Could they go back to what they used to be? She kept wondering. Were they about to get into a very toxic relationship having to forgive that much? She thought, or did she drive Stacy to cheating?

“I don’t know babe. I for sure don’t want to lose you and at the same time it does hurt too much.” Jess said. She couldn’t look up to see Stacy. She hated to see her sad.

“But I am going to fight for us. We both have hurt each other.” Stacy said. She realized that she was suggesting that they were even. “I don’t mean it like that” She continued. “I mean I was stupid about all this but can you please let me explain?”

This was the hardest thing Stacy had to do. She had to fight for her lover, for her woman. She was not letting her go, she would show here her worth, she would remind her of every good memory they had together. She was going to get her love back, she was never going to let her go.

“I know baby but this is hard. I can’t blame you either, I did the same thing.” Jess wanted to say but she couldn’t. Her ego wouldn’t let her do anything like that. What about her? What about her pride? How was she ever going to trust that Stacy was the one for her, while she slept with anyone? She wasn’t going to make it easy for her either.

“What happened Stacy?” Jess was all she could manage to say. She didn’t know how else to talk to her. “I thought we didn’t revenge things. I made a mistake but I was working towards repairing this, for us.” Jess continued. She was getting emotional but she didn’t want to show it.

“I am sorry. I swear I never meant for all this to happen. I didn’t.” Stacy said. She knew that she had messed up.

“How did it happen?” Jess needed to know. At least she deserved to know.

“I wish I know. We were just drinking and then I think I just passed out.” Stacy said.

“So he took advantage of you?” Jess asked. She was capable of doing anything to protect her from any harm.

“I don’t know babe, I was wasted I swear. I wish I knew anything about this” Stacy said honestly.

She had never wanted to hurt her even though she had cheated, not from alcohol intoxication. Maybe she had done it willingly, maybe she had been seduced or maybe she ha been stressed out and made a mistake; like she did. However, bottom line was that she had cheated and at least she remembered it.

“Did you like it?” Jess was tempted to ask but then there was no need of making it worse. She wasn’t going to ask her. She was going to try and forgive her, she was going to be okay. She tried to convince herself.

“That’s it?” Jess asked. She was convinced that Stacy couldn’t have done it out of spite.

“That’s it according to me. I still don’t know what happened and I don’t wanna.” Stacy said, sinking on the seat right next to her girlfriend. She hoped that she had been forgiven, she wanted to be.

Jess reached out to hug her girlfriend. There was nothing else she could do. She was going to forgive her, or better yet, she forgave her. After all, hadn’t she done the same thing when she needed the forgiveness most? She held her tightly. She felt like they had been apart for ages.

“It’s okay.” Jess finally managed to say.