I'm Fine or Am I

Chapter 2

Cody and me have been dating about six months and it has been the best six months of my life. We are always having fun together, either just riding around our small town or riding the back roads smoking those crooked cigarettes. Even though I have been having the best time, my mind keeps throwing around horrible thoughts, that I will never be good enough for him. One day he will come to his senses and kick me to the curb and that day my entire world will come crashing down on me. I cry myself to sleep a lot of nights thinking about that day soon to come, but I keep all those thoughts to myself because I do not want to burden anyone else with my craziness.

One warm summer night we were just riding on those quite dark back roads, when the song “It’s Your Love,” by Tim McGraw and Faith Hill came on the radio, Cody looked at me and started singing it and we both said practically at the same time this is our song. I always loved that song, but now that song just melts my heart. Something important happened that night, and no it’s not what you’re thinking, we have not had s*x! Cody saw a pull off and said let’s stop for a little bit and I was like okay. We sat there talking and kissing and talking some more, like we usually did, but this night felt different, Cody seemed different. It made me nervous. I was like oh no this is the night my world crashes down, this is the night that I just completely crumble, but why would he say we had a song together then an hour later break my heart? Get it together Taylor. Cody looked at me and said, Taylor I would love to know what you’re thinking about when you stare like you do, my first response was, no you don’t. I changed the subject quickly and said you seem like you have something on your mind tonight. He said yes, I have something to tell you. Here it comes, my worst nightmare coming true. I said out loud okay what is it? Cody grabbed my face softly looked me straight in my eyes and said Taylor Renee Grant I LOVE YOU! I was stunned, my heart melted, that bursting feeling that I had felt back in the cereal aisle was not something I should have been worried about, it was a great feeling, it was a feeling of love. I immediately replied I LOVE YOU TOO! We kissed and he held me for the longest time. I loved every minute of it. I never wanted that night to end. I looked at the clock and said s**t, I’m going to be in so much trouble, it’s almost two in the morning! Cody drove as fast as he could taking me home. We pulled in my driveway, and I opened my door, but Cody grabs my arm and pulls me to him and kisses me. I love kissing him, it’s like we are the only people in world. I better go inside before my parents gather a search party for me. I love you Taylor, I love you more Cody. As I was walking in all I wanted to do was run back to Cody and never leave his side.

My mom was waiting for me in the living room, I walked where she was at, she looked at me and said we would talk about it in the morning. I knew right there and then I was in some deep s**t. I was right I got grounded for one month, couldn’t hang out with Cody. I could only go to school, work, and home, but I could talk on the phone and my best friend Brooke could come over. I called Cody and told him, and he said babe I am so sorry, it is all my fault. I was like no its not I should have been keeping an eye on the time. We just talked about life and different s**t. That whole month of being grounded was pure hell. Don’t get me wrong I am glad my parents at least let me have my phone privileges and let Brooke come over, but I really hated that I only got to see Cody at school and work. I feel like me being grounded has put Cody and my relationship to the test. I had heard that there was a party at no ferry tonight and I knew Cody was going to go, but it didn’t bother me that he was going, I just wished I were going with him. I totally trust him. He has not done anything to make me not trust him. So, I asked him you going to that party at no ferry tonight? He said yeah probably. Then silence, I hate when there is an awkward silence on the phone because you just really do not know what to say. I’ll let you go so you can get ready. Okay. He said I love you; I love you too. I hung up the phone. I really was hoping he would have said, no babe I’m good, I want to talk to you longer, instead of giving me the silent treatment. I immediately started crying, something is not right, what did I do wrong, what did I say that I shouldn’t? Oh gosh he’s going to break up with me. Why am I so freaking surprised, this is not added information, I am so f*****g stupid for letting my f*****g walls down? I just laid in my bed and turned Nirvana on and went asleep.

I was awakened by Brooke jumping up and down on my bed. I screamed at her to quit and to get the hell out! She immediately said what did he do? I just covered my head with the blankets and said I just want to sleep. Of course, I knew she would not accept that. So, I got up and sat in my bed and just stared. She said what is wrong. Nothing I’m fine. No, you’re not I’m your best friend and I know when something is bothering you. All I wanted to do was scream, but all I did was cry until I felt like I had no tears left. Brooke just let me cry on her shoulder she didn’t say anything she just let me cry it out. I finally stopped and I looked at Brooke and said why am I so damn stupid? Why would he tell me the s**t he told me when I knew he didn’t mean it? I have told myself from the very beginning that I was just going to end up hurt. Brooke stopped me and said Taylor do you Love him? She said I want you to say your first thought, I don’t want you to think about it just blurt it out. I just looked at her. So, what’s your answer. Yes, I love him with my whole heart and soul, but I know he don’t love me, so it doesn’t matter. I just need to move on. Listen to me. I refuse to sit here and let you beat yourself up. You deserve to be happy, and if the prick wants to act like a total asshole, then by all means please kick his ass to the curb. I knew Brooke was right, but I couldn’t get my mind to believe I deserved better. Brooke had to work early the next morning, so she couldn’t stay long. When she left, I laid back in bed turned my music back on and slipped back asleep.

The rest of the weekend was kind of a blur because all I did was sleep except when I went to work Sunday night. Cody called in, which was no surprise to me, he was avoiding me, of course. As I was walking to my truck after work, I saw something on my windshield, I was like are you kidding me, he doesn’t even have the balls enough to break up with me to my face. I grabbed the paper unlocked my truck and got in. I looked at the paper, it wasn’t from Cody, I don’t know who it was from. Just someone playing a prank on me. The note said Be careful who you give your heart to. Signed your guardian angel. I just crumpled the paper up and tossed it in the floorboard. I drove straight home. When I got home my mom said someone called for me, but didn’t say who it was, but she said it was a boy. Maybe it was Cody, maybe it wasn’t. Who knows? All I know is that I really dread tomorrow.

The dreaded sound of my alarm was going off, I desperately did not want to hear that god awful sound. But I got up jumped in the shower and tried to dress to impress then I was like f**k it if he doesn’t like me for me then I don’t need him anyways. So, I put on my typical grunge apparel and was off to school. Was I nervous, absolutely, but I had to face him at some point, might as well be now? I pulled up at school and Brooke pulls right beside me. Since I had been dating Cody, I really hadn’t been spending time with my own crew, which I felt bad about. I saw them that morning in the parking lot and walked over where they were all standing. Every one of them said, hey stranger, and acted as though nothing had changed, that I was still a part of their crew. I felt free, and comfortable, but my heart was breaking and was not whole it was missing something, not just something, but someone, and that someone just walked up to me.

Everyone that I was walking with had walked on except Mike, he stood there. Mike is like a brother to me, I looked at him and said it’s okay ill catch up with you later. He couldn’t stand Cody, there was some past altercation that neither of them had moved past, but he went on. I looked at Cody, hey. Hey, Cody said with a guilty look on his face. Again, there was that awkward silence that we had on the phone the other night. The whole time standing in that hallway with Cody my gut was saying just end it for him that’s what he wants. The silence was so heartbreaking because I remembered all the nights we had long conversations where we could talk for hours and never run out of stuff to talk about and look at us now, we can’t find a single word to say except hey. Finally, I just said look apparently you came here for a reason, so I’ll make it easy for you, it was great while it lasted. Hope you have a great life. I kissed his cheek and walked off. I had to say it because if I had stood there any longer I would have busted out in tears and told him that he was the love of my life, my soul mate, that he was everything I ever wanted, but I guess he will never know that, but I always knew that, but at least I can say I got a few months to be with the love of my life. At least I can say that I faced my most inner fears of rejection head on. As I was walking down that long hallway tears running down my face, I could not bear to look back at him, knowing that I was walking away from the only person that I know 100% could make my entire heart and soul complete, but I had to realize he did not feel the same for me.