Thorns of Roses

Hallucinating

Song for this Chapter:

Yeah Right-Joji

CHAPTER 93

BLAZE

It was late at night once again when I got home. But this time I am not drunk.

This will be the first time that my son will see me sober going home, but unfortunately, he’s asleep.

As he’s sleeping soundly and peaceful with a bit creased on his forehead, all I can ever do is watch him.

The thought that my father raised me with love and affection is something I looked up to right now. I am wondering how he ever did that when his heart is dying and broken at the same time.

That is when I come up with the realization that I am not my father, no matter how much I wanted to be him as a leader, I can’t be him as a father.

I miss my son so much, in the four years since he was born in this world, I have not seen in his eyes that he is comfortable around me. Yes, from time to time I see the joy in his eyes every time he looks at me, but there are always barriers and walls between the two of us. I admit my lack of affection to my son. And I can't do anything to fill that because I have no idea how.

Maybe one of this day, I will figure myself out. I will figure out not just to be a great leader, but to be not a perfect father, but maybe just a good one.

A sighed beside me broke my trance, and it is Hannah leaning on the door frame as me, looking at our child too while her hands is on her chest, but her face is calm this time.

“I am so sorry about last night—” she looks down, fidgeting with her nails. “—I didn’t mean to snap like that.”

I put my hands on the front pocket of my slacks, and sigh “It’s okay, we both didn’t mean to.”

“Maybe we should try communicating in a nice way?” she suggests.

And I couldn’t agree more to that suggestion so I just nod “Yeah, we can do that.”

She smiles half and look to Von once again with her eyes glistening. “He heard us—”

Her voice breaks and I let her just speak. “—this morning he asked me if we’re—” this time her tears fall, she’s having a hard time speaking, “—if we’re breaking up. And I told him we’re not, he said he heard us getting mad at each other. And I couldn’t say or explain why.”

This is the first time I had ever seen Hannah Evans so broken and torn, and it was because of her and I’s fault. We made this. We f*****g made a mess that both of us didn’t know how to escape.

Instead of saying another word, I let her head lean on my shoulder to comfort her and she did. She just cried on my shoulder, pouring her heart out.

As much as I am so beyond mad at her for doing things, I wish she didn’t, she’s still the mother of my child. And my child loves her more than me.

“What if—” she starts again.

“What if what?” I pressed.

She looks up at me and wipe her tears, she looks miserable, like she couldn’t sleep much at night just as I am. “What if we try to fix our relationship?”

I scoffed “I can’t do this right now.” I start to walks of our hallway but she follows.

“Blaze? Why can’t we? For our son?”

I turn around to look at her once again “I can’t.”

“Why can’t you love me just like before?” she sounds desperate right now.

“You know I didn’t, Hannah. You know what is it between us since day one even before.” I start fixing my suit my sleeves and get my watch on my wrist.

“But she’s dead—”

She stops and I stopped, she knew that she had crossed the line. But I am trying to calm myself down because don’t want Von to hear another argument from us again.

“Blaze, look at me.” she was being pushy.

“Stop, Hannah. I am trying my best here. I am trying to be present as much as possible to this conversation but I don’t want you to even go there.” I pointed at her “You and I, we’re nothing but a f*****g fake couple just for the sake of my child. Nothing more and nothing less.”

Her eyes start to get wet again “But she’s been dead, Blaze. For f*****g five years. Why can’t you just accept me and our child whole?”

I just scoffed “I have somewhere to be. Get some sleep, maybe you’ll stop hallucinating.”

It may sound cold and broad, but it is what it is.

I just spare her her head five years ago because she’s f*****g pregnant with my child.

And the nerve she’s even asking me to give her the relationship she wanted is f*****g absurd.