WIDE ASLEEP

THE BIG BLOW UP

Bracing herself for the scene that may unfold before her, Madeleine put her laundry basket down slowly and quietly. Not that there was a chance that anyone would hear her but with Zania’s mood swings, she never new what to expect. With caution, she exited the relative safety and privacy of her room although, in reality there was no such thing in this home. The now already familiar and repetitious sobbing was coming from the kitchen. From the hall, outside the kitchen, against frosted glass doors, Madeleine could recognise her mother’s hunched figure, forearms protectively lined in front of her face in a very dramatic fashion. As her mother’s body was blocking the entrance to the kitchen, Madeleine went to the main salon from where another set of glazed doors led to dining room and again, in circular path to kitchen and then, out to the main hall. The family jokingly named it “The Magic Roundabout”.

In salon, her bare feet gingerly navigated the familiar plush texture of luxurious Hamadan Bidjar carpet underneath, on her way to dining room. She looked ahead, not down. Madeleine felt the sharp pain in her foot at the same time realising that the glass on dining room doors was shattered and large shards were missing from the panel. It was not the first time that Zania broke glass by either hurling something at it or just slamming it too violently. At the other corner, away from their mother, Zania was sobbing in similar manner to Katisa; in front of her an overturned dining room table, contents spilled all over the white Damascus tablecloth, Meissen Soup Terrine broken and soup splattered on the wall behind the table, not sparing once proudly displayed paintings above it. For once, Zania looked lost and broken rather than angry.

It will be many years later and after the extensive therapy that Madeleine will come to suspect Zania’s behaviour as a sign of undiagnosed Atention Deficite Hyperactivity Disorder, ADHD, and quite possibly a kind of Asperger’s Syndrome but, at the time she was seen as simply “unreasonable”, “defiant” and “difficult”.

Zania had difficulty making and especially, retaining friends. She was prone to outlandish lies to elevate herself in the eyes of her peers which inevitably, eventually led to rejection. At 21, Zania hang around with early or prepubescent children, weaving fables of her alleged escapades to the impressionable audience that was hanging on her every word. At the same time, that same behaviour did not escape the notice of local layabouts, and made her a target of local no good lads: a good looking, well dressed girl, from a well off family but obviously simple and naive, ripe for picking with a few flattering words feigning admiration - something Zania obviously craved and fall for.

Reticently, Madeleine stepped forward into the mayhem Zania created in the Dining room and tried to calm and diffuse the situation. Ever the dutiful girl, Madeleine genuinely felt sorry for her mother. She was also cross with her sister but, ignored her at that moment.

‘Mama, calm down. Are you all right? Don’t worry about the mess, I’ll clean it up, you go and lie down, please.’ SLAP! The smack to Madeleine’s cheek was accompanied by her mother’s scream. Madeline brought her hand to her burning cheek confused and in shock. She couldn’t make out what her mother was saying, at first. She tried to focus on Katisa’s distorted face full of hatred and anger staring back at her.

‘Go away!’, she sobbed at Madeleine, ‘I had enough of you too. Leave me alone. Go!’

More shocked than hurt, Madeleine stepped back, glanced at her sister who looked broken, shoulders slumped and turned away from her, hands covering her face. She was crying too. Confused, Madeleine walked back to her room and sat on her bed. It was not the first time her mother lashed out like that. Madeleine was often at the receiving end of her parents’ and her sister’s venting. It was the norm to pass the stress in their culture or at least, Madeleine was made to believe so. She never knew any better. Overwhelmed with shock and sadness, her mother’s behaviour towards her cutting another deep emotional scar, a cold hand of anxiety squeezing her heart and cutting off her breath, she started rocking back and forth in an attempt to smooth herself and to stop the tears that were welling in her eyes. Not the first time, she felt like an outsider and unwanted presence in their home. They only treated her like family when they needed her to babysit Tamera or, in front of the outsiders when talking about her achievements and parading her like a show pony. Needless to say, such treatment created additional resentment in Zania towards Madeleine. There was not a day in their lives that they did not fall out. Katisa made it worse by contstantly comparing them in a misguided intent to motivate Zania to be “more like her younger sister.” From an early age, discord between them was seeded, amplified by Zania’s aggression and jealousy.

Zania had bullied Madeleine as long as Madeleine could remember. There were stories retold shockingly as joke how then four year old Zania, took a newborn Madeleine out on snow covered terrace, unwrapped her and left her out, unattended. In the middle of winter. Their mother went to check on the “sleeping baby” to find the room freezing, terrace door open and newborn Madeleine crying in the snow. How on earth the parents did not connect the dots and realised that their eldest was jealous of an infant!? They never addressed the issue of extreme jealousy and attention seeking behaviour by Zania. In the end, as even negative attention is an attention, Zania’s behaviour escalated to the point where parents could not ignore it nor dismiss it as mischief any more.: they would yell, and even punish her with a few smacks. To their shock, Zania seemed to enjoy getting rise out of them.

Years later, Madeleine would wonder why her parents never observed Zania through the lense of their profession; they were a doctor and a Biology Professor, after all. Was it simple hubris, a denial that something like “that” can happen to “them”? They were both prideful people; was it simple that they saw it as a shame, or were they blinded by love? Probably, all the above played the part in their seemingly wilful ignorance towards Zania’s uncharacteristic behaviour. The reason aside, it was both of them and Zania, that payed the highest price for the lack of understanding and professional guidance during all of their children’s formative years, Madeleine and Tamera included. Madeleine came to understand how it had scarred her for life too, many years later and well into the adulthood. The lack of emotional support, high expectations, the lack of respect, understanding… To compensate for Zania’s academic failures, Madeleine was expected and pressured to excel in every discipline, academically, socially and in extracurricular activities so that her parents have bragging rights at every social, family gathering, work place etc “The Town” talked and her parents saw themselves as “The Elite”; the importance of their carefully self constructed social standing and reputation by far surpassed the individual needs or happiness of their children. The children were both viewed and treated as property: they HAD to choose what their parents expected; the boyfriends, the activities. Their daughters were meant to remain “pure” until the wedding night, to the man acceptable to their parents of course; the man of the same education al level, social standing, ethnicity and the religious group. All strictly controlled to the point where they were inevitably to rebel. After all, Driza and Kasia were from different religious affiliations which caused some friction among their parents, at the time. Driza was eleven years older than Kasia, who was 21 when they got married. However, when it came to their daughters’ dating and socialising, all that was forgotten. If anything, it made them reign in their daughters independent even more ferociously.

Right now, the feeling of hurt made Madeleine bitter towards her mother.