If Only: The CEO's Ex-bodyguard

Spectre Of The Past

Kevin's POV

​It’s been a month since Kyle told me he was weighing his options about a guy. I’ve known he was gay for a long time; he even told me once that he was a "top" but could be "versatile" for someone special. Lately, he’s been smiling like a madman. I had a feeling it was because of this same guy.

​"Pennies for your thoughts, big bear?" Kyle asked, stepping up behind me.

​"Just thinking, buddy... anyway, how is that ‘weighing of options’ going?" I teased him.

​He giggled mockingly. "Bro, I’m gay and a top on top of that, you dork."

​I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing.

​"We’re officially dating now," Kyle added quickly, as if reading my mind. "And no, you are not going to go check him out."

​"I just want to make sure you’re safe with him, that’s all."

​"I know, Kev, but you have to stop being so suspicious of everyone. Live a little! He says he loves me. Soon, I’ll introduce him to you, and he’ll introduce me to his family."

​I raised my eyebrows. "He said he loves you already?"

​Kyle nodded, a genuine smile lighting up his face. "Yes, but I haven't said it back yet. I am my brother’s prince, after all. He has to do a bit more than just say the words."

​I chuckled. Smart kid. "Kyle?"

​"Huh?"

​"Can I just... look into him? Just so I can have some peace of mind. Please?"

​Kyle sighed. "Fine. As long as you don't do anything crazy with whatever information you find. I have to go now."

​"Wait! What’s his name? I forgot to ask."

​"Lindon Spectre," he said dreamily. ​The food in my mouth went down the wrong way. I started choking violently.

​"OMG! Kevin, are you okay?" Kyle panicked, rushing over.

​"Did you... did you just say Spectre?"

​He nodded, rubbing my back and cleaning up the mess I’d made while giving me a strange, searching look.

"What made you so worked up? You went pale the second you heard his name."

​I realized then that he’d either forgotten what my former job was where I stayed longer, or he never truly knew the names of my high-profile clients. We didn't talk about my work back then.

​"Nothing, buddy. It’s just... the name sounded familiar. Can we not talk about this until I have the facts?"

​"Okay," Kyle said slowly. He knew I didn't like speaking without evidence. "Are you alright now?"

​"Yes. Go on, have a great time."

​He kissed my cheek and left. This guy was clearly turning my brother into a different person, but my blood was cold. No, it can't be. If my instincts are right, I’m going to kill someone with my bare hands.

​Alexandra’s POV

​"It’s been a week since Linny came home from that dinner with his ‘boyfriend.’ Now he says he’s bringing the guy over so I can meet him. Apparently, his name is Kyle, they’re doing Law together, and it’s their senior year," I said, glancing at Austin.

​Austin was staring at me with a look that said he was fighting back a laugh. "You have something to say, Austin?"

​"No, ma'am. It’s just... you seem very uncomfortable about this dinner. Or perhaps about the fact that Lindon is gay?"

​"What the f**k, Austin? I don't care who he loves. I just don't want Lindon preaching to me about 'love and relationships' all night."

​Austin nodded but began fiddling with his fingers in his lap. "First of all, that's not ladylike, why are you cursing so much nowadays? Anyways I was thinking...Well, ma'am, maybe if you would only consider looking for Mr. Blackwo—" my hand flew up, cutting him off instantly.

"Shut the f**k up, Austin. I told you to never mention that name again," I growled.

​"Sorry, ma'am."

​"Get out. I need to be alone."

​I watched him walk away, his shoulders slumped, and a sharp pang of guilt hit my chest. Austin was the only person who had truly stayed. When Kevin disappeared, no, when Kevin shattered my world, Austin was the one who picked up the pieces. He was loyal to a fault, a constant shadow in my office when everyone else was whispering behind my back. I shouldn't have snapped at him. He only mentions him because he sees me rotting from the inside out.

​I sighed, rubbing my temples. I needed to get ready to meet the 'boy of Lindon’s dreams,' but I had a sinking feeling in my gut. Why was he insisting on a restaurant instead of bringing him home? Was he trying to protect his boyfriend from me, or was he protecting himself?

​I found myself wishing I had what Linny had; that spark, that mystery. I thought about Austin’s own delusions; he was in love with my assistant, and even though she was married, he refused to give up. He once told me, "Just because she’s married doesn't mean she doesn't love me; it just means she doesn't know how to leave the abuse yet."

​I wondered if I could ever have that kind of leap of faith. Would Kevin and I ever be together again, professionally or romantically?

​The truth was, Kevin hadn't just left me; he had haunted every man who came after him. Especially Logan. Logan was supposed to be my fresh start. We were content. He was successful, handsome, and stable. But every time Logan touched me, I was looking for the calloused hands of a soldier. Every time Logan spoke, I wished for that deep, commanding tone that used to make me feel safe.

​Logan knew it, too. He heard from the gossiping girl in the office. He spent our entire relationship competing with a ghost. He would complain about Kevin constantly, his voice turning condescending and sharp.

"You're still obsessed with the hired help, Alexa? It's pathetic," he’d sneer.

​He was right, which made me hate him more. But the end didn't come because of my obsession. It came when I walked into Logan’s apartment and found him with another woman. Not just anyone, the girl who told him about Kevin. Logan didn't even look ashamed. He just looked at me and said, "At least she’s actually here with me. You're always somewhere else, chasing a man who didn't want you."

​That was the last straw. I ended it right there. Austin witnessed everything, he came up with a plan and leaked information about the woman to HR and she got fired without staining my name. But the sting stayed. Kevin had ruined my ability to love a "normal" man.

​What hurt the most was that I couldn't turn the feelings off. I wanted to hate him. I wanted to forget him for the way he betrayed me, yet he remained in my head, my heart, and my very soul. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment with someone else, I would shout his name. It was a sickness.

​I had everything a woman could want, the company, the money, the power but I was miserable. Kevin had been in the army; he was trained to be a predator, to protect and to destroy. He had protected my life, but he had destroyed my heart.

​I wanted him to pay for what he did to me... but as I looked at my reflection in the mirror, adjusting my dress for a dinner that felt like an execution, I wondered, if we were to meet again, was I actually strong enough to pull the trigger, or would I just fall into his arms?