The weight of the crown

Chapter 2

After the conversation with my mother, I decided to return to my room, which unfortunately didn't manage to block out the sound of the music.

My room was large, a little too big for my taste. I would be happy if I had a balcony where I could go outside and breathe fresh air when I felt like it, but my mother says it can be dangerous and unsafe for a princess like me. I think it's just an excuse because she thinks I'll try to run away from the castle. I can't really blame her for thinking that. There were many times I tried to get out of my room and go outside, even if it was only for a few moments, but I was always caught.

There were several books that were placed on my desk. I walked to the table and arranged the books back into their place in the library. Most of them were books in Latin or Spanish. As a princess, I had to know several languages so that I could communicate with ambassadors or guests who came to the palace. Our strongest allies were Portugal, Spain, and Italy. So it made sense that I could communicate in Italian and Spanish, soon I will be adding Portuguese to that list.

I walked slowly toward the bed and sat down, still wearing my pink dress. I couldn't stop thinking about what happened moments ago. My mother's words didn't stop echoing in my head, 'I'm so disappointed in you Alexandra.' I hated the fact that my parents had the strength to talk to me in a harsh tone and to influence me long after they said it, making me even more self-conscious. They always expect me to be the best and to never make mistakes. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't act like them, or like Thomas. I don't know how to be charismatic, how to speak with confidence, or how to fake a smile even if I feel deep frustration. I wish I knew how.

I wish I knew how to fulfill my job demands without feeling frustrated, without having to behave like someone else. I felt as if everyone I knew in the palace weren't themselves anymore, as if they lost a part of themselves. Maybe it was because of lies that had been told, maybe because of so many lost wars or maybe because of fears that no one knew how to cope with.

Everyone decided to repress their feelings, to think in a rational and almost automatic way. I was afraid that I, too, would be affected by everything, that one day I would no longer be me, but what people wanted me to be. Perfect outside and completely broken inside.

***

When I woke up in the morning, I was surprised to see Marianne, my maid, wandering around the room and putting a cream-colored dress on the bed and shoes in a similar color on the floor. I looked for a moment at the window while I rubbed my eyes; the sky was dark blue.

I heard her mumble to herself as she took things out of one of the drawers.

"Marianne," I said wearily, she paused for a moment, while she was holding a white rope and a brush, "why are you here so early? And what is all this?" I asked, looking at my clothes and then at Marianne. She looked way too energetic this morning.

"Your father has requested you to be in the throne room in about an hour, so you need to be ready," she said while I yawned.

"Do you know what it is all about?"

I was afraid he might have decided to scold me for my inappropriate behavior, as my mother did. But I didn't think he would want me to get up early just for that. I looked at Marianne as she walked to the bathroom and began to fill the tub with hot water.

Marianne has been my maid since I was a child. She is a bit older than my parents, but because of her energy and her kind smile, it seemed like she had never gotten older. Despite the wrinkles and her gray hair, she still looked youthful.

Her blue-green eyes reminded me of a quiet sea; one look at them relaxes you and gives you peace. As strange as it sounds, Marianne has always been a person I could talk to, especially about how I felt trapped in the castle. 

Even though my life as a princess has never been easy for me, sometimes I feel a little selfish about complaining too much. Marianne has to worry about supporting her family and taking care of me.

She pushed the sheets off my body, allowing me to rise slowly from the bed and walk toward the steaming bathtub. After I got dressed and Marianne had styled my hair in a braid that came to my shoulders, I walked slowly out of my bedroom toward the throne room. 

When the guards next to the door opened it for me, I saw members of the parliament standing around a long table with some maps and papers, while my father was at the head of the table.

As soon as the door opened, the noise stopped and everyone's heads turned to look at me. I felt a little embarrassed by the attention and darted my eyes to the floor.

 I remembered all the times I have done this; I realized that I'm not allowed to show embarrassment. I looked up at them, and they weren't really threatening me in any way so that gave me enough confidence to continue walking into the room.

Of course, it wasn't actually true; they had a threatening demeanor under the surface. I saw clear anger in the eyes of some of them. They didn't want me to be here, they didn't want a princess to take part in their discussion, and it wasn't customary or proper. But my father decided I had to come here, and just because I was angry with my parents right now, doesn't mean that I didn't know that he had called me here for a justifiable reason.

My fellow parliamentarians bowed to me lightly. I sat down on the chair nearest my father and the MPs sat down as well. "Gentlemen, I called you today on a very serious subject," my father began, as everyone looked at him and waited for him to continue.

"Yesterday there was an attack on one of our villages on our border with Scotland," he continued as everyone listened intently to his words. Scotland was an enemy, and I knew this without even participating in discussions and hearing about it.

"We have a lot of casualties and their soldiers killed some of the farmers, I sent some of our soldiers to the area, but I fear there is a threat of another attack," he said, and I began to hear whispers around the table. They feared that the next thing that was going to happen was war.

"We have to attack them back," one of the old men said suddenly, rising from his chair and drawing the attention of everyone sitting around the table. His hair was gray and his forehead was lined. "We all know that the Scots will continue to attack us. We are attacking them back, but not enough... the time has come to stop being afraid, we have to take a risk, we have to attack the entire region"

"Sir John, quite please, we don't have enough troops to do that. You don't want us to lose because of your bad judgment," my father explained.

"And what about the soldiers in the area of Ireland, or soldiers I sent to France, we have countries that we need to keep an eye on and make sure they don't attack us!" my father continued, and after he finished, many of the members began to speak angrily and the room was no longer quiet.

I wanted to say something, but I knew that even if I screamed I wouldn't catch their attention. They only barely respected me because I was the princess and because my father was in the room. He made the decisions, and even he didn't listen to me, he didn't even let me express my opinion too much.

I was the princess with the beautiful face that obeyed the laws.

 I wasn't always like this. In the past, it was important for me to take part in decisions made at the palace, to help the people and the citizens, but every time I tried to advise my father or I spoke to one of the advisers to give an idea on how to solve a problem, they maintained a certain level of respect for me, but they always rejected me in one way or another.

There were so many times that I cried or asked to be listened to, but all my parents said was that I wasn't behaving as I should, that I had to grow up and understand the meaning of my role. My job doesn't include offering foolish ideas or suggestions about palace decisions, that's the job of the king, the prince, the advisers, but not mine.

They would never really listen to my opinions, and even if I shout out or try to give them a simple idea on how to solve everything they'll think it's ridiculous that a princess can never offer something that could be effective and wise.

"That's enough, gentlemen," my father said angrily after banging on the table with his fist, silencing everyone in the room. His voice was threatening and low, "we aren't going to attack, we may have some soldiers to send, but that could lead to war. That is final."

Everyone was silent. Maybe they did not agree with my father, but no one wanted to talk against the king's word. After the discussion ended, they left the room.

"When you stand in front of the members of parliament, you have to show that you support my decisions, even if you don't agree with them," he said in an ordinary tone, but I saw anger in his blue eyes.

"Father, this is the first time I've been in a discussion like this, you can't expect me to do much. I'm just starting to learn," I said quietly, "and I think you're wrong."

The courage I had to muster just to say that simple phrase was tremendous. He stopped and looked at me intensely as if trying to solve a complicated puzzle.

"You have to think about the citizens," I continued, "how can you look them in the eye and tell them about the incidents that happen without feeling guilty, you can stop it, you can change the situation, even if it isn't a big change You can prevent the death of many more people, fight your enemies, don't let them hurt us any more than they have already done, "I said worriedly.

As much as I hated the role I still felt obligated to take care of the citizens, they trusted us, we mustn't let them down.

"You have crossed the line, Alexandra," he hissed quietly after listening to my words. "You don't have the right to talk to me like that, maybe I am your father, but I am still the king."

"But father-" I began to say and he cut me off.

"I didn't raise you that way, that's not how a princess is supposed to behave, you have to support my decisions, and not the other way around," he said angrily. I felt a shiver run through my body, now I understood why he wanted me to come to the hearing. 

It wasn't for me to know what England was, not for me to learn more about his role as king, but to support him, to have someone lie to him and tell him he was right, that he knew what he was doing.

"You may go, Alexandra," he said quietly, but his tone was still serious and threatening, I knew there were consequences for my words, so I simply nodded and left the room. As soon as I left, I let out a breath; it felt as if I was suffocating there like I was in a room with no air.

 I didn't understand why my father insisted on remaining in a position of defense. 

I think we should attack the enemy, to at least show that we have strength and power. But I knew my father was too stubborn to listen to the words of others. He also exaggerated and thought things would get drastically worse.

I hope that soon he will realize that you cannot protect yourself all the time and wear a shield. There will always be an exposed point, weak point. Every country has its Achilles' heel, even England; the trick is simply to know what it is and to hurt it.