Heart of Steel

Moving Forward

Kendrick's trip out of town was a relatively short one, lasting only 4 days, during which I took the time to grow closer to Rosalie and find a regular routine. Since I was able to get dressed and shower on my own, she decided to start coming every afternoon to assist me in my physical therapy. Luckily, it was James who administered her paychecks and arranged her work hours, and he didn't mind us changing things up. James practically ran the whole house in Kendrick's absences. We decided that I would work out every day for at least 30 minutes and go for a walk a few times a week. I also convinced James to let Rosalie drive me to my therapist appointment that week. Dr. Wimble was highly interested in the dreams I had been having. After the ones I had experienced the first night following her weird hypnosis, I had dreamt of my mom when she was alive, playing with friends on a playground when I was really young, going on a cruise to the Bahamas when I was 15, and of course, my mystery man. The problem with the dreams with him in them was that I still couldn't see his face. I saw myself holding his hand, running from him playfully and giggling when I accidentally on purpose allowed him to catch me, and even sitting on a dock with him overlooking the ocean at sunset, our legs dangling a few feet above the water. I felt the love and admiration I had for him, recalled the butterflies in my stomach each time we touched or looked at each other, and even dreamt once of me actually telling him I was in love with him, but I never once saw what he looked like. Sleeping was becoming more and more frustrating because I saw him in my dreams every single night but still had no answers as to who he was. Dr. Wimble thought I was blocking him out for a reason, although she couldn't pinpoint what the reason was. But since the situation was causing me to lose a significant amount of sleep, she decided to take a break on the memory exercises for the time being. To be honest, I had mixed feelings about this. While I was relieved that the dreams might slow down without her stimulating my mind and trying to coax the memories out, I wanted more than anything to remember something that would help me discover why I was in this mess in the first place. I was convinced that the answer was somewhere in my brain; a tiny treasure hidden in the vast maze of my thoughts and memories, waiting to be uncovered. I also wanted so badly to see the face of my lost love. On the other hand, what would even happen if I did remember who he was? Would Kendrick allow me to see him, or even talk to him? Could he have been the reason that all this had happened to me? I didn't believe that the man in my dreams would ever, or could ever do anything to harm me, but he must have been involved somehow. It was the only thing that made any sense.

I finally got to see Lilly on the last day that Kendrick was gone. James brought her to work with him because his babysitter had bailed at the last minute and his mom was visiting family in Maine. She let out an excited squeal and jumped into my arms when she saw me, nearly knocking me to the ground.

"Lil! I told you to be easy with her!" James shouted as he grabbed my shoulders to steady me.

I laughed vehemently and squeezed her affectionately.

"Hi Lilly!" I said when I returned her to her feet.

"I missed you!" she said, beaming up at me, then flinging her arms around my waist for another hug.

"I missed you too, sweetie!" I said, returning the wide smile.

We played with the toys she had brought and watched a couple of Disney movies before Rosalie arrived to help with my therapy. We were going to try swimming today, and I was pretty excited about it. Although it was just laps in a small exercise pool, I remembered how much I had enjoyed being in the water and was eager to get back to it. Rosie had to practically drag me out when my allotted time was up, reminding me that I needed to pace myself and that I needed to save some strength for our scheduled walk. Two days before that, on our first walk, she had insisted on bringing the wheelchair in case I got tired before we could make it around the property. Luckily, I didn't need it and we both felt confident enough this time not to bring it. During our stroll I discovered that I had been right in thinking that Sam had invited her to the dog park the day that he went with Bash. She had accepted his offer, and even brought her dog, Carl. Carl was an English Bulldog and he and Bash got along great. At the end of their doggy play date, Sam had asked Rosalie on a real date to dinner and a movie! I teased her a little and asked if they were going to bring their dogs as buffers. She confessed that she was a little nervous and had no idea what to wear. Although I knew my brother wasn't the least bit concerned with her wardrobe, I took the opportunity to convince her to let me help with picking out an outfit. Rosalie and I had complimenting personalities and rather enjoyed each others' company. Neither of us had female friends, or at least ones that we hung out with on a regular basis. She had recently moved to Leesburg from Richmond and barely knew anyone there outside of work. We made plans to go shopping the next day and then take Carl to the Leesburg Animal Park. She had talked it up so much when telling me about her first unofficial date with Sam that I wanted to check it out.

Kendrick got home late the next night while Gladys, Sam, Rosie and I were gathered around the coffee table in the living room playing Spades. He asked if Sam and I could join him for dinner the following night, but that was the night of Sam and Rosie's date, so I chimed in and said that Sam had already told me he had plans. I wasn't sure how he had felt about telling Kendrick just yet what was going on with him and Rosie. He shot me an appreciative grin that Kendrick didn't seem to pick up on.

"Well, just the two of us then?" he asked, looking at me inquiringly.

"Sure." I said with a warm smile.

Despite my best efforts, I was actually growing to like Kendrick a little bit. He seemed to be a lot less cynical and a lot more interested in having a real relationship with me, and with Sam too. Even though I was still having trouble letting go of my resentments toward him, I appreciated his efforts and began to realize that I had always craved a true connection with him.

At dinner on Friday night, Kendrick asked if I had given college any consideration while he was gone. I told him that I had always loved writing and I thought I would enjoy being a Literature teacher or a writer. He chuckled, causing me to blink several times and resist the desire to pinch myself to see if I was dreaming.

"You were studying to be a Literature teacher before your accident." he said in explanation.

"Hmm. Would I have to start over, since I obviously don't remember my studies?" I asked.

Kendrick stroked his chin with his left hand, clearly thinking.

"I'll tell you what. You and I can take a trip to Shenandoah next week and speak to your Advisor. Since your situation is unique, they may be willing to work with us concerning the classes you have already taken. I will have Serina call first thing on Monday and set it up."

"Serina?" I asked, confused.

"Yes, she is my personal assistant. We mostly correspond over the phone, though, which is why you haven't met her yet." he explained.

"Oh, okay. And what if I decide I want a degree in a different field?"

"Then you can start over." he said simply.

I stared at him for a full minute, tears welling up in my eyes, before nodding and giving him an appreciative smile. I was completely floored. Here he was, offering me a future, and allowing me to be to the one to choose what it looked like. This wasn't like him at all. Maybe he really was changing.

"That means a lot to me. That you would support me and allow me to choose what I do with my life." I said shakily.

"Kasey, I know we have had our differences in the past, but your mother always dreamed of you following your dreams and being the leader of your own life. She didn't get that privilege. She and her brother were both forced to do what their parents wanted them to, which is why she never even used her degree after she married me. She was a Wedding Planner because that was what she wanted to do; we didn't even need the money. I wanted her to stay home and raise you, so she did both. She had a fervent desire to do what she wanted with her career, and she always impressed that upon you as well."

He extended his hand across the table a few inches, as if to grab mine, but then changed tact and grabbed his crystal water glass. I believe it was just too much sentimentality for him to handle at the moment.

"Thank you." was all I could manage to say.

It seemed to suffice, as he actually smiled at me! Then he told me that he would allow Sam to teach me how to drive under two conditions. One being that I take another state driving exam, and another being that I only drive the car he provided for me to learn in. Though I wasn't altogether surprised about these conditions, I did think they were a little ridiculous. But I agreed anyway, deciding it was much better than him saying no.

For the first few weeks, we practiced in the abandoned parking lot of an old mall a few miles up the road from Kendrick's house. The car he had provided actually had the driving instructor brake installed in the passenger floorboard. Sam laughed profusely the first time he saw it. I scowled at him and punched him in the arm to get him to stop, but it didn't work. When he finally stopped laughing, he told me to get in the passenger's seat before he drove us to the lot, threatening to back out of teaching me the first time I used the instructor's break to get back at him. Overall, I would say that I did pretty well with driving lessons. Some learned skills came back to me as we practiced, and one day Sam finally said he thought I was ready to drive on the road. Kendrick and I had taken the planned trip to Shenandoah University the week after our one on one dinner and spoken to my advisor. Although I pretended otherwise so as to not hurt her feelings, I had no memory of ever meeting her. She spoke with her supervisor and they ended up giving me access to what were basically crash courses of all of my first year classes. The plan was for me to study them at my own pace and then take the exit exams to see if I could gain my credits back. If I could pass the classes, since they were all basic courses, I would then decide what I wanted to major in.

My memory dreams continued, although they began to get a little more strange, and I realized that some of them weren't memories at all. It was hard to distinguish between what was real and what wasn't sometimes, and my therapy sessions became mostly discussions of my dreams and what they could possibly mean. Dr. Wimble always ended the session by telling me not to focus too much on them though, because a lot of times dreams were simply my mind coming out to play, whatever that meant. Rosie and Sam were becoming inseparable to the point that it was getting difficult for she and I to hang out alone. I didn't mind though. They were so cute together, and I wanted them both to be happy. Luckily, she was still helping me with physical therapy, so I at least got to hang out with her for a little bit every day when we were working out and walking. Kendrick and I had dinner together almost every night that he was home, but lately he had been travelling a lot. Sam always joined us unless he had plans with Rosie, and sometimes she even joined us. Although I began to get used to the idea that I might never figure out why my accident had happened, I was very happy with my life.