A Twist In My Story ( girl x girl)

The tenth chapter

It"s the morning on a Saturday. I get to wear Saturday clothes yay! Away from those lousy uniforms, I get to wear pants/shirt and just be comfortable moving around and I have sneaked to this different, smaller, quieter library in a different building, I may have just found a new hangout spot for my dear self . I didn"t know I wasn"t allowed if I"m not practicing majors yet. But I have still went in anyways, and everyone is wearing the same Saturday clothing whatever their standings are so I may have camouflaged in. I wanted to waste time there and be productive that way, just that I have so much time to spare and it was peaceful in there than the usual library everyone can go to stay for a while.

Still behind the shelves, I found torn out book pages for how old they were bought, sold and placed there. They were golden of age/years have been published, stocked, turn to brown/yellowish, golden pages quickly soon enough to turn to dust. I brought my hefty gadget with me and found a free service. Yassss! I get to talk to her! "Immediately went into my mind" I mean whoelse could I be talking to, I don"t like anyone else. Or seeing anyone else as well but her.

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"Babe! Guess what? I am in this different library that I just walk pass to most of the time and now I am hanging out here by myself, I think I"ll consider crashing here from time to time :) how are you? <3 and I have free service!! Yay, who gets to talk? Hehe me :") xx "

"Hii, hun xxx that is really great that you found out that the new library has data xo like how I said to do something new and fun and that makes you feel accomplished everyday to keep yourself motivated :)"

"Yeah I know! And I"ve been doing stuff like I think there"s contest going on and I thought about joining and all and being here in this library that I am not even allowed to for long I think? Hahah and lots more :))" "what about you? How are you? I have not heard so much from you, from the past days. We"ve been having opposite schedules and you"ve been busy and I guess school and having troubles with service and social media x let"s hear from you :* ily"

"I know with all the hectic schedule and stuff, school is frustrating and lots of other things like in home and assignments. I am sorry I"ve not been able to talk so much the past few days. But I still try to contact when I can and usually you"re going to bed soon and I could be around sometimes its the opposite Ily x"

"I know, with me also doing school but I still try to reach to you like right now :) and it is alright we all tend to be busy sometimes and school is just really stressful so I get it. And I have a lot of stuff too that I also do for school. Ilym :* "

"Yeah.. :) and I know, thank you for understanding me. I am really sorry for the lack of time. But you know, if you"re actually not having most of your time on, it"s okay you don"t have to be sacrificing your time for me a lot, you know and as well if you find someone else there then you should go with them.."

"You"re welcome :) and it is really completely fine if I am here for you like I always am and you too.

Babe, is everything okay? Like what could be going on haha what"s with the tone there, seems like you"ve gone a bit off. Like of course, there"s no one else and I am all about you. What are you talking about? And I am sacrificing my time for you when you can"t talk or I can"t at times, I am making it up for you cos I love you."

"...it is just that I am telling you to be with somebody else there, there are a bunch of other girls in the sea., at your school you"re in a university. There"s lots of other people you"d meet, Who you could be with them."

"Wouldn"t you be okay with that though? Cos I don"t think so, and even so. It"s not you and it doesn"t work that way. I am in love with you and you are the only one I want to see and want to be with, and there"s not any other girls who could even top you. I have the most beautiful and amazing girl ever. I don"t want to see anyone else here at all."

"..but eventually you have to find someone else, there would be someone. OK"

"But that someone is you, I"ve already found her. Why are you saying this to me? Out of nowhere? Why are you thinking of this? Can you talk over the phone? Please and explain to me, what is bothering you?"

"Okay, let"s phone but I can only do a few minutes."

"Uhm okay? Hun ring me"

*gadget rings*

*fails to hear because of bad reception data not reaching my device*

Darn it.

*rings again*

"Hello?? Babe? Hun? Can you hear me now? Hey.."

"Hii.."

The sound of her soft low voice brightened me up

"Hey!! How are you? Now I can hear you much better and clearer. How bout you? Am I fine?"

"Yes you are. You"re just fine, I can hear you well."

"Yeah? Good. :) what is up? ...I mean when we were talking over inbox. I didn"t really seem to get what was being said and delivered, I guess? Why were you saying those words and thinking about me not wanting you? I am definitely sure about you and my feelings for you. Have I done something wrong?"

"I am sorry, and you have not done anything wrong at all. it"s me. I just really think you should go find someone else who you would like and them to also like you back. Who could be there for you"

"Yea, I read. And it doesn"t sound good. It sounds like you"re saying goodbye or something. Like I told you , I don"t need anyone else, I have found what I"m looking for and I am more than content of what I have with you and of you."

"You would need to have somebody that you could see and be with, you know and that"s not me"

"I am getting sad now.. Why are you always saying that now? Are you leaving me?"

"I am sorryy but I will still be here to talk but not so much and why are you sad? I"m sorry okay?"

"It"s okay baby I am just sad that we are even talking about this and idk why"

"Just.. Okay.. Just do it when the opportunity comes, don"t stop your life just because of me. Don"t be sad pls"

"Do you know what"s making me sad right now?"

"What?"

I sensed her fear, her sighs and uhms between her breaths. jesus

I could all be so broken more than just even hearing her doubting me right now..

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"Is you, keep saying that.."

I started to cry soft, warm tears, not wanting to be heard, or to be caught crying behind shelves and I know by the time I think this gets worse I am already sobbing.

Silence at first.

"....."

"Saying what?"

Really? At the back of my head.

"Saying that I should go find someone else, like you"re trying to push me further away sooner" "why are you saying that to me? Can you stop it?" "It"s hurting me"

"I am sorry, I didn"t mean to I thought it"ll be alright if I tell you that. I just don"t know, I am being a little too frank, maybe"

"Yeah, you kinda are. And its okay just don"t ever say that. And repeatedly."

"I"ve got to go, I have a class to attend to. My break time"s over. Ilysm we"ll talk later okay? Promise me?"

"I promise. :) you should go now, please be okay. I am really sorry x we will talk when you get back and if I am on"

I started to sob thinking about the horrible past I"ve had with Zaxs; from other, that reminded me of the pain and agony of abandonment and more other things that kind of reflects the same situation or feelings I"ve had on situations like this.

I"ve attended my class, thinking maybe it would be just fine and it was just her being upset over some things and of lack of physicality. I hoped and went home.

I couldn"t understand why would she say that all of a sudden while we were so freaking good all the time and together. We"re synchronized through situations, and interests are similar. There doesn"t seem to be any mistake at all and we are truly consistent and constantly, open to each other about our thoughts and feelings were also expressed. So there isn"t really anything I could think of that"s troubling her or me.

We tell each other everything and are really honest and open about everything and of each other.

So, it baffled me.

What could it be that I"ve done?

-

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Flashback

I may have allowed to be kissed by a girl who is bi-curious at the time not that I know of now. There were just the three of us acquaintances. She also came from my town? Or community I guess for her and I to talk get ourselves acquainted and I said yes to hanging out with her and a friend of hers that I don"t know who. So, it was more of her curiosity and she drank a tiny bit of alcohol while I"ve had only a few shots, like two to three, since I can"t be tipsy or drunk on the way home. If you were me, you"d know I drink moderately or not at all. It was a little hangout at their place and they"ve asked me to do a few shots and I can"t stand a chance to say no since I am with them. When I really just wanted to go at the time, really. She drank a few drinks down in her liver.

She"s first was shocked when I caught her smoking with her friend just outside the restaurant we were eating this afternoon and I was no smoker at all. She"d know conservative people like our background, culture.

So then when she drank a little to make her look a bit tipsy now she sat in front of me and faced me closed her eyes and kissed me.

Mushed her lips on mine, I didn"t move my body and my hands were on my back mid-side. I didn"t kiss her back either. I didn"t take advantage of my chance into kissing a girl and her initiating it. I"ve never kissed anyone or EVEN a girl before my whole life. I"m an introverted, geek, music lover. Who has no life outside her own house but manages to still have some few experiences and friends along.

Then, I pretended to kiss her just to give her that joy or to prove that I can kiss

I closed my eyes and opened for just a few times and seconds. I didn"t like kissing her nor I envisioned being with her or anything at all. She was just a girl, that"s why I am okay with trying this out.

After a few seconds, we stopped.

I"VE NEVER FELT MORE DISGUSTED OF MYSELF IN MY LIFE EVER BEFORE.

I wished she was you.

At least there"s that after the kiss was settled.

The whole time I knew..

This time I am really sure of myself that I don"t just involve with intimacy with just any girl that I"d see or get together with on a hang out.. I need to know her better and actually fall in love with her before I"d make love and out. And to kiss somebody like that just for no reason is not me.

I"m not binary; I am demisexual.

It basically means not being involved with a platonic or intimate relationship with somebody if I"ve haven"t formed some sort of emotional bond with them.

So, when we parted, she said I kissed like a god.

Sheeesh

Hahaha kidding.

But really she said I"m a 9/10 ;)

No kidding on that one.

I did made myself proud on founding out I"m a good kisser. Maybe from craving to be kissed someday and meant it.

I just only wish it was somebody who loves me that did.

A cool reference from my favorite book; being kissed first by somebody you love or that loves you.

That s**t is the s**t.