Love doesn't Demand

CHAPTER 2

I line up to the counter and look up at the menu on top. Black coffee, latte, cappuccino, americano, espresso, macchiato, mocha, irish... hmm... After thinking about what to order for about a couple of minutes, I still stick to their hot brewed coffee as usual. I just didn't want to sacrifice my stomach for anything this early.

"Take out, please," I said, smiling at the barista. I gave my payment and received my change.

Since it's early in the morning, I thought about having a cup of coffee to boost my day. I need to feel alive. I need fresh ideas, creativity, and inventiveness! I need those so bad to become a better artist.

While waiting for my order, I focused my eyes on the cafe. The interior is beautiful by how they depict proper colors which exactly align with what a coffee shop should be, the lights they install, and the music they put on sets the soft mood that makes me at ease. Even the scent of fresh bread and coffee smells great! Everything was decorated in a crafty manner and I'm already in love with how comfortable the chairs are.

I do believe we can see art everywhere and it makes me delighted to realize how art can be so flexible. The world is a design itself and I can't be more excited to attend art class today. I looked at my hand watch and I still have 30 minutes before it starts.

"Julia?" a tone of a familiar voice called. I look up to see my former classmate, Fiona. She approached me with a smile and greeted me, "Hi! How are you?"

"I'm fine! How about you?" I asked, back.

She stands so confident. The diamond earrings she wears and the golden necklace around her neck give her the millionaire vibes. She doesn't dress like this nor speak so confidently before. She was the shy type of person in the class and always been the one bullied for being a mere scholar. I wonder where life gets her.

"I'm feeling great! Do you know I had franchisee different restaurants now? I have 30 restaurants and cafes all over the city. You should visit them sometimes."

"Really? That is so cool," I said, sounding so excited.

"I know right, my business is growing big! I'm just here to pick up my order with my brand new car. I'll be visiting the subdivision I launched, though I'm still hesitant if a middle-class family can afford it," she responds as she flashes her diamond ring right in front of me.

Her first approach was okay, but the way she talks on the second one is a red flag to me.

"I'm happy for you," I said, forcing a smile. I just want to get out of this cafe. My whole mood was completely ruined and my patience is about to burst. She didn't have to brag and make me feel the need to be intimidated by who she is now. I didn't know people like her still exist. This is not even a reunion yet she boasts like this.

I'm not being a plastic person for saying that I'm happy for her, because I'm indeed glad for all her achievements, but the way he put her words into is not okay. Anyhow, I didn't want to start an argument and ruin my day. I have a lot of plans for today and I wouldn't let someone trouble me just like that.

"Here's your order," the barista said, placing my order on the table. I grab my things and bid goodbye to Fiona. She smiled sweetly and waved her hand.

"Bye, Julia," she said, "I hope we see each other often."

I forced myself to smile for the last time before getting out of the cafe. Finally, I felt relieved until a shining black car springs up to me that I assume is Fiona's brand new car. I pass by across it and walk towards the art studio as it is just one street ahead.

Once again, I became insecure about myself. Fiona and I are just the same age yet she's so out of my league. It's like looking upon the top of the mountain while I'm still at the very bottom, figuring out how I will get there or if I can even go up halfway through.

I grabbed the door's handle heavily and shook my head to refresh my inner being before entering the art studio. I saw Marco preparing the art brushes for today's activity and I slowly approached him.

"Good Morning," I greeted, and peek at him. His dimples appeared and it bestowed a soft feeling in my heavy chest.

"Good Morning," he said. He stopped at what he was doing and turned around to look at me. I lent the paper bag to him with the coffee that I bought earlier for us. He looked hesitant to accept it at first but he eventually grabbed it.

"You didn't have to."

"It's a treat," I said and sat down to enjoy my hot brewed coffee.

"Thanks."

Marco started to sip on his coffee while I suddenly fell deeply into the state of frivolity. It drained all of my energy for today and my heart became as sad as a black stone under the blue sea. I shut my eyes as I sip on my coffee, it gave me the hot sensation on my chest and I let out a heavy breath.

"You seem troubled."

I shook my head.

"It's nothing, don't mind me."

He didn't seem content with my answer but he tried to smile anyway. The door opened and one by one the art studio was filled by the members. I settled on my designated position at the back and concentrated on today's art activity.

"Are you okay?" Marco asked, leaning near my shoulder.

"Yes," I said and gave him a thumbs up.

The session was over and I headed out of the art studio the soonest. My days went on and on just like that. In the morning I often tend to think deeply about different matters that I lack. In the evening whenever I dwell on myself, I feel lost on what I should do with my life, at night I constantly overthink if I'm doing the right thing for my future. The loop just never stops and I've been locked by the chains I created.

Hence, it only results in bad ideas, lack of creativity, and pure mental block for the whole week. And today we were tasked to paint our emotions, I tried using bright colors and every glossy tone to fake how I feel but I failed to do that. I felt like I was betraying and fooling myself on something I should express. At the end of the day, my painting results in scribbles, black paints, and highlights that reflect insecurity.

"You seem gloomy these past few days..." Marco mentioned, standing behind my canvas. I was the only one left again from the members. This art activity made me think about why am I like this. I began questioning why am I even torturing myself by society's standards and why not value the way I am today.

Marco stepped forward and looked at my canvas. His eyes tight and worriedly glance at me.

"What's wrong? You can talk it out."

I sighed. I've been grieving in pain and I admit that I do need someone to lean on yet I keep ignoring Marco, the one who has been willing to listen to me but I'm the only one hesitating. I should stop pushing people away and maybe I can start right now after all. He always throws me his troubled face, and I know for myself how concerned he is.

"I was an achiever, an honor student inexact, and I thought academic excellence would be enough but it's not. I've become insecure about our batchmate's achievements throughout the years while I'm still here in the same spot where they started," I said, and cleared my throat. "I just get easily insecure of people like them... like you."

He stared at me, looking confused at things I'm trying to point out.

"You have an art studio. You already have a career as an artist. You know exactly what you want to do with your life unlike me who hasn't proven anything yet," I added and chuckled, bitterly. "You're lucky."

"But Julia," he uttered, "I'm just as lost as you."

His words left me stunned. I was too insensitive to come up with another false conclusion. Just who am I to judge Marco? I know nothing about him.

"I shouldn't have said that," I said. I stood up because of shame and didn't throw him another glance. "I should just go."

I opened the door and was about to leave when I felt Marco grabbing the end of my sleeve.

"Julia, let's talk..."

I turned around and met his brown eyes, pleading for my presence to stay. I closed the door as a defeat and he settled down at the corner. I followed him and sat across on the floor. The studio went so quiet you could hear a pin drop. It became a minute of stillness and neither of us wanted to talk first until Marco got the courage to speak out.

"Dropping out of Senior High School was the hardest decision I ever made. Being a kid, I always loved to draw and paint until high school came. I got good grades, but even how high my grades were, I still feel empty."

I was shocked to realize how much I relate to him. I'm happy to know that someone knows and understands how I feel, that I'm not alone in this situation.

"Day by day, I found satisfaction on every sketch I made because it became my form of happiness and that's when I realized school wasn't for me. After getting out of my comfort zone, I suddenly felt lost. I thought I was this near to self-fulfillment but I wasn't at all. I was easily affected by others' expectations and it ruined my plan so badly..."

I don't know what words shall I say, what advice I should give because I too am suffering from the same enigma. I feel sorry for judging him. I wasn't thinking through when I said those expectations towards him. He must have felt uneasy when I mentioned how I see him just like any other person expects him to be when in fact, is very far from how he views himself.

"Marco, do you have a girlfriend?" I asked, out of blue. He turned his head sideways and avoided my stares.

"I-I don't," he answered.

I opened my arms widely and waited if he'll respond to my invitation. He bowed his head and felt so shy. Even so, he took a step forward as an answer and sat down near me. I embraced him and felt his warmth. They say hugs are the best comfort and I do think it's effective. I didn't want to hug him feeling guilty about it if ever he was in a relationship so I asked for permission first earlier, it's only the right thing to do.

"Julia..." he muttered. His heavy breathing stirred the tiny hairs on my neck, sending a shiver into every cell of my body.

"Hmm?"

"I'm afraid for my future..."

I'm very afraid too... but as much as I want to express the negative thoughts rumbling inside me, I didn't want to tell him that and sympathize with him further, instead, I want to confide in him that everything would be okay too - the same thing I want to say to myself. And if there's one thing I learned today, it is to understand that things take time.

"Let's not be too hard on ourselves," I said as we got comfortable with each other's presence.

At this moment, I'm just wishing for the stars to hear our desires and help us accept that life is not a race to be rushed.