Love TTLE IDEASAddicted to Love All You Need is Love A Love Story A Piece of My Heart Attached at the Heart Be Mine Be My Valent

against it. Living our lives according to laws of nature (Ayurvedic principles) will provide us with more successful progress to

towards perfect health.

It is a passive process in a way process of letting go- of turning inward finding strength in silence.... the principle of the second element" that's the topic of the next discussion To me, life, science, and spirituality are inseparable. Here endeth the lesson for the day.

I received a card written sometime in June 1990 - outside is a black and white "Yolanda" drawing of a harried person amidst piles of papers, notes, and books, and calendars, some of which have CAB, Protocol, Lab, Quarterly, Chem Report % Trans, R. Orion, etc., and a bright yellow sun colored in. The inside of the card Grace says: You bring light to my day, A smile to my face, And great joy to my heart! Hope the sun is shining where you are! Thank you so much for all your inspiration! Love (signed with a red heart with curly tail)

I received a note written on PDQ memo paper written in June, 1990

Thanks for sharing this with me! The memories of saying this by the sea give me strength from three strong forces in my life- the sea, my God and you!

I can see how your life follows this quest.

I love you.

Then I received a June 17th, 1990 letter written on the front of a church bulletin.

A brilliantly sunshining Sunday morning. The cool sunshine breezes come thru the wide open windows into the sanctuary. The church is not very full. It is especially void of you and your family. Happy Father's Day! To a man with a big heart. Who is a wonderful guide and model for not only your own children but also others (like me) that look up to you!

12:00 (later morning)

Remembering last week this time at the beach-jumping the waves. Resting in the beach under the rain clouds (I'm playing Yellowstone CD with the Grand Canyon Suite). The clouds were magnificent. The feelings inside me were of contentment, love, and a soft sweet joy. The whole weekend was like that- I feel so comfortable around you - like one feels with family. But there is an element of electricity also...

It's hard to write around this church. Electricity and fire! And an energy that builds while we're together and lasts (and begins to fade) when we're apart. But I'm still on the crest of the incoming wave - riding high - Loving and Missing you.

I received a Houston post card - skyline with full moon over the city. (postmarked 16 June 1990)

Hi- This card goes with a similar card sent last year with a full moon over Washington Memorial. I'm on the plane- ready for take-off - you're already gone. Thanks for a sweet time. An unforgettable time! SO back to work to do great things-..lead a great life in a great generation in a great world under a great God"...And I'll try to do

the same! Take care of yourself (hello Mr. Postman, I know you're reading this too!) P.S. We really need to focus on the spontaneous transformation in the assays......

I then received a card send about June 20 1990 with white dove on front saying "It's me" inside "...just checking in on you".

You listen to this tape for a while. If I could, I would sing to you like this? So these are my love songs to you.

(Notes from Grace - no date given but sometime in June 1990)

Hi,

Just a few thoughts on "data disk" also it's backwards thoughts at end are resolved on earlier part of disk. Password is spring fair of this town Missing you Loving you.

(On an Easter Card I received from her)

(Front of card is two bunnies - one eating chocolate)

(Inside it says 'I love you!') I hope this isn't a chocolate mess when it gets to you. I send you love & chocolate because the rest can't be stamped & mailed. I hope to deliver more love personally later this month-which when this gets to you will be "next week"! See you soon! Grace (signed with a smiley face)!

Do you know what I am thinking about NOW?

(Inside was a package of Sweet and Low that we used at a restaurant in a dessert guessing game)

At any point in time you can guess what I am thinking. And if you guess that I am thinking about you then the probability is 60%. (Waking hours only included:-).

(The other 40% of the time I am thinking about mousse pies!)

(A card probably sent in early March 90)

(Front text says "I know that a million tomorrows, could never teach me, everything that love has to offer").

(Inside "may a million tomorrows be ours....") of two tomorrows.

Thinking of you always,

Grace

Grace wrote to me a July 15, 1990 note after my visit.

Thanks for being here, for taking care of us, and me. Thanks for the rose. it's been very unique being here this time feeling more comfortable on one hand and my heart aching on the other. Emotional gymnastics. I have a feeling these little trips may come more often than we expect. So I'm optimistic - looking forward to the future. Grateful for the past. And happy in the present knowing you are nearby.

Last nite this all seemed so impossible This morning - the sun brings warmth and love and optimism. Love you!

I wrote to Grace:

Thursday July 19, 1990 4pm

Thanks for your very thoughtful call today, you really brightened up my day with your voice. It was a sweet feeling to have you so close, yet still difficult not to be able to see you or touch you. I'm trying to resign myself to accepting these difficult times when I miss you so much, in exchange for those rare times when we can share a closeness that is so heavenly and blissful. I guess we want our cake and icing too.

I really have troubled times when I want to be more a part of your life and you more a part of my life. Mentally you really are but physically not there is a great imbalance. And sometimes I think we are so blessed to have loving families AND each other. And I hope we can co-exist and not become paranoiac about it.

So I've tried not to think too much about you being so close today, and hope that you call me for lunch on Monday. I was transferring your notes on my Colorado disk to my disk and noted that three of the files were recorded past 12 midnight on your computer at home (your date stamp is off). Maybe you should get to bed earlier. I occasionally lay awake thinking of you, but mostly I sleep and dream sweet dreams about you. You have really been in my dreams lately. I awake happy and smiling after

these dreams.

I wanted to comment on some of your notes on my Colorado letters. Please don't worry that your basement isn't finished before we come. We can sleep anywhere, we don't want to put anyone out of their bed. Except I know where I'd like to sleep. I remember going over to your house when you were finishing it and being happy that you finally would have such a nice house to live in. And it really is nice. I guess I also wished I could give you something equally as nice someday. I hope my gifts have and continue to be as important to you even though they're intangible. The real cosmic coherence of numbers will occur at 6:45 am August 7, 1990. That is the 45th minute past the 6th hour of the 7th day of the 8th month of the 90th year past the turn of the century.

I love numbers too. Math is the only thing is ever got straight A's in school.

I guess I didn't recognize all the codes in your business letter, but I was really impressed with the quality of your letter, you are becoming quite the writer. I hope I had something to do with your writing style. You wanted to know how I did it all. I worked 50-60 hrs a week. I don't know how you keep up. I sometimes felt that in trying to do so many things I wasn't doing any one thing very well and that was frustrating to me. You have had that feeling, haven't you? I know who I miss the most, but I guess I've been married longer. We are celebrating our 22nd anniversary tomorrow and we're going out to dinner, but I'm really not excited about it. I hope the food is good. I am excited about seeing you on Monday for lunch. Is that wrong? Will we tire of each other after 22 years?

It is a really tough decision about another family member for you. I know I had to be talked into it. When I think back, if it had been left up to me, Casey would not have been born. I was into my career thinking about great scientific things not more children. Now I'm glad I was talked into it. Casey has been such a joy in my life; I wouldn't trade her for anything. True, you wouldn't be able to go to many meetings for a few years, but look at the long term. Remember always keep your eyes on the horizon, not down at your feet. We'd probably find a way to see each other, and

communicate with each other. They say that love finds a way.

Besides I remember how incredibly sexy you were when you were pregnant. I could never tell you then. And seeing you happy would make me happy. You were so happy in the hospital after KD was born.

I'm planning a trip to Birmingham for a site visit this winter, probably mid-December. I would like to stop in NC for a day or two on my way, OK?

I do miss you every day, some days more than others. Even

after an entire year, the big hole is still there in my heart.

Sunday's seem to be harder. I guess it's because it's the second

day I haven't talked to you. I wish we could talk like friends on

the phone at home at night. But because we're the opposite s*x, it

makes it suspicious? I could have bought you a thousand gifts in

Colorado, but I bought you some seeds for the Colorado State

Flower, the Columbine. These are elegant, stately, and such a

beautiful flower. They remind me of you. So that's why I brought

them. I hope they grow for you. We got some of our pictures back

yesterday, they are good, a few very nice ones. I'll bring them to

Chapel Hill next Thursday. The card says what I want to say this

time. Like a rose bush, our love has blossomed and grew more

beautiful than I could have ever imagined. And it keeps on

blooming and blooming, I hope forever. The secret rose I gave you

may need to be dried if you want to keep it. I don't know how it

will keep in that little bag.

I can't wait to see you. And when I rub my eyes, it means I love you. I hope we can get some time alone. For just a moment, for just an hour, "Just to be close to you....." I'm sorry this is so loooooong - you just do that to me."

I wrote again on Monday July 23rd 9:15am

"I'm really looking forward to seeing you at lunchtime. I still remember my last birthday very clearly. It was a hot Sunday in your new office. I think we were soaring into heaven and thru the clouds. I remember being in awe at your beauty. I never realized how wonderful being closer to you could be. The roses you gave me were so beautiful. I still remember how surprised that anyone would give me roses. I guess there is a first time for everything. I

enjoyed the roses for weeks. I told the folks at my office they were from a "good friend" back home. Don't know whether they bought this explanation or not. You were so sweet!! Yes I remember now you were so sweet! Hmmmm....

Hope we can get away Saturday morning. I've got Monday excused from the family visits. And I think I've got Saturday morning, OK to go to the lab. I think we can "gracefully" be excused to spend some special time together, at least from my family.

If not, I'll see you in September (sounds like song lyrics). I think my eye will be very itchy today (that means I love you a lot)! I can feel you getting closer this morning. Until our next Hello on Thursday night!.

IN GOD WE TRUST

Grace wrote a poem to me on July 6, 1990 with rock enclosed in the envelope)

Let me be a rock in your pocket! And take me with you to Colorado. Let me go where you go, And see what you see. If you need me, you'll know where I'll be, Just reach in and give me a squeeze.

Take me to the top of the mountains, Get me wet with you in the river. Sing me a song at our evening o'clock Pull me out for a kiss-when and where ever you need one...

But don't bring me back home with you. Let the rock be a symbol of our secret love. Find a special place by the river, Or at the top of a mountain Overlooking the universe. Seal it with a kiss and plant the rock there. (Take a picture if it is appropriate).

And let the geologists of the future figure out how a little rock from Galveston Beach got to the top of the Rocky Mountains. Only then our secret may be discovered...

I love you.

I wrote a note to Grace on July 7th, 1990. Hi,

If you've been a good girl and restrained yourself this should be a sunny hot Saturday in Chapel Hill and a somewhat cooler sunny day in Denver. My Continental Airlines jet left (will leave) National Airport at 11:05 am and will fly 5-7 miles over your head to Denver by way of Chicago or some city (not a direct flight). I should land in Denver at 2:09pm MST or 4:09 EST. I've got to remember the time change so that I spend 8:30pm sending my thoughts and fond wishes to you. Probably won't be any stars out by then, but I'll look to the east. Hope you feel the "summer breeze" especially the warm moist little puffs. I'll blow extra hard to get them to go all the way to NC. After I land I'll try to find the rest of the family and get the car rented. I remember walking out to our white Ford in Houston, I was hoping for a LeMans but got a Taurus, and I wanted to carry your luggage or pick you up at the office. But you followed me to the car. As we were trying to figure out how to get out of the airport, I remember somehow being led the right way even though my memory was fuzzy since the last time I was there. I was so happy to see you, I remember the anxious feelings, and I couldn't wait to say a "real" hello. Anyway it's July now a new month and I'm driving to Estes Park, about a two hour drive up into the mountains. I'll probably say a zillion times (to myself) that I wish you were here to share all of this natural beauty that GOD created. You will be in my heart -

and I will close my eyes and imagine that you are standing next to me. I'll try to take lots of pictures, so that I can show you where you've been. I'll try to direct some of the cool mountain breezes toward you in the evening. So if your window is open they will cool you at night.

Tomorrow is travel to Vail day. The password for tomorrow is "vail". Can you wait to open my daily letters? Anyone with our kind of will power can surely wait a day!I really love you, Me

Grace wrote back to me a day later

Back to you. I am terrible about anticipating your words...I read

Saturday's note on Thursday and Sunday's note on Saturday. BUT I

won't go any farther. So you see, I really don't have much willpower.

I thought of you often today about your journey. I felt or imagined I

felt you getting farther and farther away. You will have a beautiful

time and I hope you have some special moments with your family. We

have been plugging away at the work in the basement in hopes of you

all being our first special guests to stay there. After making a list of

what is yet to be done, I don't know....

The carpet is here so we have to work fast but is a perfectionist and won't rush. I put the third coat of varnish on the door trim and baseboards today. Tedious but they come out so nice. I don't know where we ever got the patience to do the upstairs to this house. I do clearly remember the times you came out to the house while we were building and being very proud to show it to you. I also have this picture of standing looking out my unfinished kitchen window to the driveway, listening to Lionel Ritchie's "Hello" and thinking of you...

Tonight is the full moon. The full moon of July is called Guru Purnima. That is when thoughts of those that gave us the wisdom of transcending come to mind. We remember them with fullness in our hearts and souls. Especially Maharishi's teacher, Guru Dev. He must have been an incredible man.

Tonight I will also remember an incredible man that has brought much fullness to my heart and joy to my life. That's you sweetheart! Goodnite!

Grace then continued to write....

There won't be any one here this afternoon to help me celebrate the passing of time at 4:56 7-8-90. A cosmic coherence of numbers. I've always been fascinated by numbers.

Just another note to you. I'm at work and have taken two days to compile a package for you. Things about changing the assay. There are a few codes in there. Hope you find them. This project is getting to be overwhelming at this point. As soon as I get organized and caught up, it will be smooth sailing. HOW did you do it all??

Been missing you and missing talking to you. It has been unique,

both you and Howard being out of town this week. I'm hard pressed

to answer who I miss most. I feel funny about that. Another thing I feel

funny about is something I need more time to explain then I have right

now. It is something about how you inspire me so much

professionally, and how much this job is occupying my mind and

energy and how addicting it is...that I really question my desire for

adding another member to the family. And I know this probably

sounds ridiculous, but I feel that as a full time mother again, I would

be farther away from contact with you. I guess we would adapt, shoot!

I could spend all day typing to you, with baby in my lap.... Just

strange feelings that come and go through my head.

I missed Grace so badly I decided to try to give her a phone call at 8:30am EST, so I got up unnoticed and tried to call at 6:30am MST from the hotel lobby. I thought that Howard would be gone to work by 8:30 am. OOPS- Howard answered, I should have hung up, but I asked to speak with Grace. The conversation was short and stilted.

Grace wrote back to me...

I feel AWFUL!

Bless you for calling this morning.

I wasn't asleep, WE were meditating. Howard was right there and I couldn't say a thing. How would I explain you getting up at 6:30 AM to call me from Colorado? There was no discussion of your call except I said, "that was Richard, calling to say hello".. I know you felt funny, I felt funny.

I really wanted to talk to you. I suppose we gracefully weather these awkward times but I wonder if they are completely forgotten by spouses.

I often stop during the day and close my eyes and try to see Colorado through your eyes. It's hard. I'll have to wait for the pictures. Saw Dianne Brenner yesterday. She's lost 50 pounds and looks great. She wants to see you when you come in to town.

Well, got to run and do errands and go to work.

I have a heavy heart today because I couldn't speak this morning. I wonder if you feel the same.

Phooey.

Miss you.

My letter for Sunday that I left behind for Grace to read on this day.

Today is Sunday. We'll be driving to Vail today. Across the tall mountain peaks. I guess you could say "we're taking the high road". I'll be thinking of a Sunday only 4 weeks and about a thousand miles away when we walked in the ocean waves and talked about great things and wished time would stand still. And took a thousand mental videos. I'll admit I didn't keep my eyes closed the whole time we were meditating. I wanted to see and remember the sunlight in your hair and all over you. You looked so healthy! and so good. But I most remember the feeling of being so comfortable, so relaxed, so whole. I know my heart was happy and full. Today I can see the very high mountain tops, covered with a white cap of snow or ice. The sun is really hot on my driving arm. The air is so thin. One can be out of breath in a second, if I just walk uphill a ways. The trees are so green against the rich blue sky. The air is so clean, I wish I could bottle it up and send you some. I thought a lot about you today. And I'll probably think about you a lot tomorrow. We had a light breakfast today, and now we're driving on this two-lane road. The only wildlife we've seen have been small chipmunks and squirrels. I can see the photo of you. Setting up your tent by the river in 1974. You didn't look too much younger than you look today. You looked happy and like you were having a ball. Idaho? That is a long distance off. In 1973 I was in Rochester, New York, probably working in my lab raising planaria and moving into my

new lab.

I was in Chapel Hill last year at this time. It was a hot Sunday

afternoon at the lab. I remember driving back and meeting you in your new office on Friday night. We turned off the light and spent a few moments alone in the darkness. Hmm... We didn't know what the year would hold. I remember going over to your house on Saturday to do some work. Then a Sunday afternoon "good- bye".

I don't know if last summer had anything to do with it, but Sunday evenings are when I miss you the most. You may have noticed the longest letters are written on Sunday evening. This evening I'm at Vail just walking about town, getting ready for the opening scientific session which starts at 8 pm. At 8:30 I run outside and spend 10 minutes with you in the still warm mountain air. Hope there's time for a mountain wildflower hike tomorrow. I'll try to bring back some souvenirs from Colorado.

I hope you had an equally nice day. Wish I could share the beauty of these mountains with you.

Just as the electrons shot at this screen, excites and lights up the little phosphorus dots, I hope these words brighten your life and make you shine.

Sent with a big hug and lots of kisses. me

The next password is "calcium" - the reason I'm in Colorado this week."

I wrote to Grace on Monday..

The first day of the meeting is over, and now I'm heading back to the room. I'm taking the long way tonight, so that I can walk along the balcony, looking out over the valley. The eyes kind of glide like a swift skier down the hill across the valley and somehow magically up the other side. Soaring up the side of the magnificent mountain. Up to the melting snow. My emotions have been kind of like that imaginary skier. Down the valley up the mountain to heaven. There were two mountains in May and June. I know I was in heaven twice. At the end of June you came to my house to visit, and I didn't know whether I was up or down. I was kind of like in space, no direction, and feeling very happy and very frustrated at the same time. You were here but it was as if you were on the other side of a thick piece of glass. I could see

you, but I couldn't talk to you or touch you.

I remember on Sunday night last week, I looked into the room where you stayed, and you were gone, without a trace except for the pillow case of sheets at the bottom of the bed. It was 10:30 pm, I had kissed my daughter "goodnite", and could picture you hugging her. How I wished it were natural for you to hug me goodbye and hello in front of everyone.

Oh, it's a clear Colorado night, cool and the air is so clean and pure. How I wish you were here for just one warm hug. I love you today. Tomorrow is another day of meetings. I've met many new people here. Maybe a new friend or two. You never know where a friendship will lead.

I'm now back at my room. Put on my other face, and we'll go out to eat at a nearby restaurant. Then we'll walk about town and go to bed. I'll whisper "goodnite" to you, just as I always do. Tomorrows password is "colorado" - I've always admired your restraint. Love, me

July 10th, 1990

It's another picture perfect "Colorado" sunrise today. I'm up early because the meeting starts at eight. I know it's only 6:30am but I spent the night thinking of you and wanted to see the beauty of the rocky mountain sunrise as a substitute for your beauty. It's surely magnificent, but no match for you. Well I tried. If you could see through my eyes right now, you would see beams of sunlight streaking around the mountain tops, like beacons across the open blue sky. Such a feeling of vastness, of purity, of beauty. And it happens every day. We just have to open our eyes and perceive it. You have certainly helped my perceptions of the beautiful world. I've seen more rainbows since I've known you than I ever saw before. This is the second day of the meeting. (Do you get bored of all my stories in my world of fantasy? - I've never shared any of my fantasy world with anyone else - I think one bares one's soul when one shares a dream/fantasy).

Anyway, it's Tuesday already. Vail is a quaint town of shops and ski slopes. Lots of restaurants, everything's very expensive, the clothes, the food, and the souvenirs. I will bring you back

some small natural souvenirs from my travels. Can you smell the

fresh air here? You see, I take you with me where ever I go.

You're in my heart and I talk to you.

I'm learning a lot here that I can use for our program. Calcium and Vitamin D interact to affect cell division/differentiation in colon epithelia. They interact to slow down the mitotic rate, and hence impede the progression of cancer. It seems that abnormally high cell division in any tissue can predispose that organ to cancer. I think this is an important concept, one that can be proved scientifically at least for one cancer site. I think the same is true for liver, since people with chronic hepatitis (B) have higher cell turnover rates and always have higher hepatic cancer rates. End of class.

I miss you today and look forward to seeing you again at the end of the month. Tomorrow's password is "mountains" I love you today. me

July 11th, 1990

We've left Vail and are heading westward to Glenwood Springs, a place where natural hot springs fill this huge swimming pool. Such a beautiful drive on such a beautiful morning. Can't help thinking about you [sigh...].

Today we're driving to a National Park called Black canyon of the Gunnison. The reason it's called a Black Canyon is that the canyon walls are so steep and the canyon is so narrow and it runs north south, that daylight only reaches the bottom for a few brief hours each day. But it is beautiful standing here on the west lip of the canyon. GOD it's a long way down to the bottom. Almost 1500 feet down to the first ledge and another 2000 beyond that. Hope I don't slip, the first step is a big one. It is incredibly beautiful and I well respect the dangers if such beautiful geologic formations. I never get near the edge and I always hang onto a tree or stay behind the fences. I feel really happy today .