And since I have no previous experience in these feelings I don't know what to do yet. I'm hoping an answer will appear magicall
5000 Words
The alternative is to cool this relationship and not fan the fires when we meet. It would be very hard for me to give up that part of our relationship. When we are together I feel so in heaven, so blissful so wonderful. I wonder how I or we could stop. Are we over our heads yet?
So in weighing the alternatives, I know that I meant the red rose I gave you, and I know I meant each and every kiss. And I don't want to stop if we can stand the pain associated with stifling our emotions. Otherwise tell me and I'll do whatever causes you the least pain. At least you'll know how much I've loved and do love you. And I look forward to seeing you and saying "hello" again.
I wish you faith to dream spirit - to live joyfully peace - to enfold you and love - fill your soul me.
Grace sent a cute card to me. On the front there was a calendar of a month of missing you notes and on the inside it read - "as you can see, I've been keeping busy since you've been gone"
She wrote inside:
For the calendar watcher! (See day 22) See also day 29!
Thanks for calling again today! And sorry about all the disconnections! I didn't mean to come off negatively when I say I miss you it's just that the emotions are strong and sometimes overwhelming but the bottom line is that this whole situation is wonderful - getting to know you better and having such a close friend! It's hard, but it's wonderful. I love you. Grace
I replied in a series of letters.
It was a sunny morning as I walked from the parking garage - the birds were cheerful as I walked over the square red bricks up to the tall glassy building where I worked. As I walked through the revolving door I thought of you and wondered what you were doing at 8:10am on a bright Wednesday morning. Few people were around as I walked down the marble steps and held the chrome handrail. The gray carpet muffled my footsteps. Through another set of revolving doors and outside again, the cracking sand beneath my feet resonated between the buildings. It was about 25 F and I could see my breath. I remembered feeling the warmth of your breath when I held you close. But I pushed into my building through still another revolving door, and greeted the guard, and walked up the steps to the second floor. Now I could hear my heart. The hallways were empty and the phones were silent. A good time to talk to you. And so I send my love.
8:50am
I'm a little later than usual, a slow start, I guess. Just now
sitting at my desk. Your last card also looks like my calendar of
months without seeing you. I do seem to be doing better this time
than before. My heart still longs to be with you, but I guess I've
finally accepted certain realities and realized that we just can't
give up that which is most valuable to us. I do love you more each
day, but there are parts of our lives that we will never share. But
maybe they are the boring parts anyway. As I write this I don't
know where this is going. I still can't find the right words to
express how special you are and how I love both you and my
family and I don't want to ever lose either one. I am just so
fortunate and joyous to be able to love both, yet always worried
that it all falls apart someday. I don't think it will, and I'll do
everything I can to prevent it. Your family will give you much
more satisfaction and pleasure than I could ever give you. You
and I will have times together and times apart, and will share as
much as we can. I still do enjoy working with you and enjoy
watching you create, learn, question, and produce good scientific
work. Don't underestimate your talent, you have great potential
(now if you could find the time). So look in the mirror and say
"I'm proud of what I've accomplished and I can do more", because you have done well and you can do more. And while you're there in front of the mirror look at how beautiful you are.
You are an incredibly attractive woman. Hmmmmm.
I've got to get to work now. Remember I love you whole bunches and I hope I can see you this or next month. Bye.
Monday morning
It's a bright sunny warm morning and I just wanted to say "Hi". I kinda feel blah today. I feel a fever and the old muscles ache, think I'm coming down with something. I've been lucky this winter so far. Guess it's my turn. I'm sorry that you were sick last week. Wish I could have been there to comfort you. I'm going to try my best to accomplish something today. I look forward to talking to you. If I put this in the mail today, maybe you'll get it by Friday.
Love and kisses,
Me
I read an article by David Baltimore (Nobel Laureate) who said something like this (I've paraphrased it):
"I have passed my insights and skills to others within my laboratories I had made the conscious decision that I should minimize and ultimately stop working with my own hands in the lab (as much as I loved it, it would be an inefficient use of my time and stagnate my advancement career-wise.) I therefore decided that I could make larger contributions to science by concentrating on questions of direction, of scientific style, of focus, of priorities, and of interpretation and not actually producing the bench work." I guess that kinda sums it up for me too. You always try to rationalize decisions that you have made.
And at some point some noted scientists take this route. Thanks for calling today; I'm glad you are getting along fine. I still feel yuchish today, no energy. Hope I feel better tonight. Today I missed you a whole lot. Me
The following week Grace sent a card with sea shells and sea grass on the front that read
'A special friend is like a rare shell washed upon a quiet beach. One who discovers such a friend, find a priceless gift from God. Inside - "I treasure our friendship"
Inside she wrote
Listening to Vivaldi, parked under a tree, my son is at music class. I have a few moments with you. I wish to express how I feel about how well you seem to fit into my life now. That I can hold these feelings so dear and so quietly. How you fill in needs I have and allow me to express dormant areas of my life to fill in the gaps. You fill me emotionally, intellectually, culturally, and aesthetically. That we can appreciate and share these aspects of our lives. I look forward to sometime sharing my spiritual aspirations with you.... I feel a recent surge of support in my desires - especially how this trip turned up to be in Washington April 1st. And how a few other things are 'falling together" to support other strong desires.
I thank you so much for your love and caring! It is such an incredible time we live in things are evolving so fast. It is indeed rare to find such a friend. One to hold on to tightly as we are swept down the rivers of cosmic evolution!! You see your own life growing and changing so fast things working out for you to be in the very important position that you are. In retrospect seeing how nothing else pursued in the past seemed to work but this did. And there you are doing more and being happier than anywhere else would have been....
...I look forward to our stroll along this quiet beach - at the end of the land at the edge of the shining sea.
Much love to you, my friend!! (heart)_
I wrote back...
I've still got Diana Ross singing in my head. The concert last night was really great. She's an electric performer. Did you hear the music? You were on my mind. At 10 pm she sang "Endless Love"- what a pretty song written for US. Then we went outside in the warm night air and walked along Constitution Avenue and I looked at the Washington Memorial all lit up and remembered another 10 o'clock evening although it was misty and rainy and
you were at my side. Such wonderful memories. The mall will never be the same. Love you.
Late afternoon time. Thinking of you.
"Inside, outside, upside down - you turn me"
It was a hectic day. Thanks for calling this morning, it helped me.
Grace wrote back:
Good Sunday Morning
I am feeling a dreadful lack of communication with you- there are so many things I want to talk to you about but can't find the time or place or words for. I'm hiding in my room pretending to be working on the proposal but really wanting to write to you. I can't use the computer either.
It's Sunday morning and I wanted to go to church but I didn't know which one to go to. I'm having a hard time finding a good church home. I guess I'm too picky & critical. I'm looking for a place that is spiritually uplifting, intellectually stimulating, aesthetically and musically fulfilling and friendly too.....! I feel bad that you've had such a hard week. Besides feeling half sick you've had car problems and tax problems....Cars and taxes! Things we can't live with and we can't live without! I guess you are one of those "things" too, huh?
What I really wish is that I could do is take a long walk with you on this crystal clear cool spring day and let the conversation drift on to the finer things in life and the meaning of life and what we are here for and where we are going... and how remarkable it is that you have come to be such a powerful force in my life! And how I wish to share all my feelings about these things with you.
It is so easy to get caught up in day to day routine & trivia & to be so busy spinning wheels and forget or miss all together the whole direction of life. That's why walks on starry nights help put us in our place to see the infinite universe and compare our little challenges & situations - nothing ever seems so bad after all. What also keeps us in the right direction is the experience & understanding of finer states of consciousness we can begin to appreciate the whole design of humans. Through history there have been philosophies and ideals, spiritual and intellectual of how man fits into the cosmic machine.
And many great thinkers of the past have had moments of great peace and serenity glimpses of transcendental consciousness, and this experience enhanced their life and understandings. Thoreau & Whitman wrote of such experiences. This part of our life is almost forgotten in this busy age. One wonders if that is the root of so many problems we see of so much dis-ease:
And this experience is so simple so natural it is a built - in physiological and psychological response.- like the shift of consciousness from waking to sleeping SO is the shift from waking state to transcendental consciousness. It is so beautifully simple - and profound. (did you know you were going to get a lecture today!?!) To me it makes so much sense. It answers many of my questions. This is why I am so anxious to share this knowledge with you, to allow you this experience in your life, and so how you would integrate this "Science of creative intelligence" with your own brilliant intelligence. I've enjoyed the last few nights outside at 10:00pm. The air is so fresh and balmy and warm breezes from the north east blow around me. I miss you I love you.
I want the absolute very best for you my good friend - "the cisco kid"! I love you!
I quickly wrote back:
Just a note to get this map out to you. I'm so happy that you can come to see me in my own new environment. I really hope it will not strain you mentally (traveling and being away from your family) and fiscally (it costs money to travel). If you do decide to come I've enclosed a map to guide you to my house. I guess you know how to get to my place. You take the second right and follow your heart. Our house is on the corner. It's brick and a two car garage and has a warm heart radiating from it. You'll find it.
I hope we enjoy our time together, even though we may not get time alone to share our more intimate feelings. We'll do the best we can. I really look forward to any time spent with you. Saturday we can go to my office and work on our project. Usually no one is around. Nobody works there on Saturday's. We should be alone at least. We will have to find a nice park for a picnic lunch. Sunday we can go to the Johnson Foundation's meetings. And maybe a trip to the mall, and dinner. Monday a business
meeting at my office and whatever else we can think up. It won't be a wasted trip. We'll make new memories.
I was sitting with my wife on Saturday night watching 20/20 and Bryan Gumble said that he missed working with Jane Pauley and that after working with her for 6 years they were kinda "joined at the hip" and that he did miss her a lot. I said "I understand the feeling!"
I miss you whole bunches every day. And I still love you. Me
Grace came up to Maryland to visit me supposedly on business, but
really to see me. She also wanted to teach me and my family
Transcendental Meditation. My family went to the TM center in
Washington, DC for the required lectures and training. It was
enlightening to see Grace teach TM as I knew she had done in the
past. She was a good instructor. I enjoyed the one on one time with
her. But she remained professional and warded off my advances for
kisses. The next afternoon we went to Brookside Gardens, a world
famous place I wanted her to experience. We walked and enjoyed the
roses and azaleas. The Japanese Tea gardens was my favorite place.
We kissed in the Gazebo. I found it difficult sleeping in my room
thinking of her sleeping in my guest room. When she arose early to
take a shower, I imagined myself washing her body in a steamy
shower. One morning I crept downstairs early to wake her up with a
soft sweet kiss. She was so soft in the morning and smelled so sweet. I
wished we were alone so I could kiss her all over. So I restrained
myself and went back to my bedroom where my wife was just getting
up. She seemed annoyed that I was up so early and woke her up. The
next day I took you to Lake Needwood, a place I frequented often and
we walked around the lake and talked and enjoyed the water, trees and
nature paths. It seemed just so natural walking with you in a place so
familiar to me. The last night I was able to hold you in my arms at
10:00 pm our special time of togetherness how often I had
dreamed of doing just that... The next morning you had to leave and
we drove to Lake Frank to a desolate parking lot and I got into your
car and we kissed passionately until other cars arrived. Then we said
goodbye and drove off in different directions, I to work and you back
to NC.
After Grace's visit to see me at my new home and new office, she wrote to me:
11:30 Tuesday night-
One more moment to reflect on this very special visit. It's almost unbelievable to have my dearest wish come true to teach you -to give you to key to enlightenment - that's all I could ever ask and ever want only the absolute very best for you. My love for you and your family is so strong tonight. I feel so sad to leave - You have made me feel so at home. Your wife has been so good and generous - please take good care of her I now really wish we didn't live so far apart, I'm really going to miss your daughter too. What a beautiful child! And your son has such incredible potential. He'll do much better and enjoy much more, if he can balance his rest and activity.- He's too young to be so off balance.-(sleeping so much then staying up so late...). God bless you all! The technique you have is very powerful. The knowledge behind it is equally powerful. Thank you for having an open mind- Keep asking questions - just like you tell me to do. Don't be satisfied till you know the answers.
I know you're taking your shower in your bathroom on the other side of the wall. I wish I was your bar of soap - I love you. - I will miss you very much this time.
I wrote back a few days later..
A late afternoon, a time for reflection. It was a wonderful 6 days of being with you. I can't find the words to describe the feeling I have when you are with me. I tried to re-experience the feeling I had when I saw you in my parking lot outside my window going to the back door then turning around and going to the front. I think I felt so anxious and excited and happy. I think I was not aware of my body or surroundings in my office, only hoping you would hurry on up to my office. I'm sorry my office is not as private as yours. I can't even lock it. I wish there were more private places to spend time with you. I guess we did all right, but I wish I had more time alone with you.
I'm happy you got to a service station with your car problem. I
was concerned that you would have a safe trip, I guess when you care about someone, as much as I care about you, it is natural. I really did worry about you, such a beautiful woman, alone on a highway. Thanks for calling in the evening. It helped me sleep better. I did dream about you last night. We walked through Brookside Gardens again. I hope you can visit again, when all the flowers are out in bloom. Especially the "Secret Love" roses, they were so big and red and fragrant. I just hope it is not too obvious when we are among other people, the fact that I see only you, and that I radiate such happiness.
Grace sent a postcard to me a week later.
The card is an autumn scene of country road and the Gaelic blessing: "May the road rise to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, the rains fall soft upon your fields and, until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand." somewhere, Virginia
Hi,
I miss you already, & I'm not even home yet. I see the advantage of driving gives you a chance to think & remember. That was your advantage. This time you plunge into activity while I sit & reflect. My life feels very full now, after this visit. I hope yours does too. Only the heart feels the pinch. Love you! (This traveler's prayer is an old Gaelic verse).
I wrote back on April 6th, 1990
I just tried to call you and your husband answered and I just clutched and hung up. I guess I could have talked to him. But I hadn't planned what to say. Anyway I'm sorry if he was disturbed.
I went past the place on the road where you turned off Wednesday and said 'Goodbye' again. It was so nice having you here. Month's with no circled days seem so long. The note that you gave me on Wednesday was so sweet. Thank-you. You are very thoughtful and kind to me.
You were such a good teacher when you gave us our class on
Monday night. I had never seen you teach like that before. I think
I'm doing it right, but I still feel tired in the morning after I
meditate. I feel good after the evening meditation. My wife is still
skeptical that it works. She is getting along OK and will try to
make it work. I hope it helps her attitude and outlook. She is a
good mother and homemaker. She has stuck with me through a
lot of rough times. And followed me all across the eastern coast
from New York to Georgia. I think once she makes some friends
and gets involved in activities she will feel more at home. I don't
know if you picked up on her negative attitude about everything
in Maryland. I find it grating. I try to point out the positive things
here and try to make things sound better.
I wish we lived closer together too. The amplitude of my emotions would be less. I get so high when we are together that I want every minute to count. That when I don't see you for months it gets very low. I'm still not sure you would like the area or to move from your very special home in NC. I'll keep my eye out for opportunities here - you just never know.
Thanks for calling back, this morning. It was so good to talk to you. Your voice sounds so nice in the morning, Hmmmmm.. I hope I'm making plans that fit our schedule. I want everything to be perfect when we are together. There will probably be a reception on Tuesday night at the meeting so if you come in the evening we could meet there. And you are most welcome Saturday night at our house. I will make reservations for our celebration dinner cruise on Wednesday nite or Friday whenever I can get a spot for two.
Go out and do good things today. Turn your energy into great deeds. I miss you so much. Yesterday was hard for me too. I love you deeply and want only your happiness above all else. We are very strong people and great actors, but I think our souls really were meant to be close together in perfect harmony. Bless you, my love Me
On a card Grace sent to me next was a watercolor mountain and stream.
She wrote inside-
Good Sunday Morning!
A week ago we were having breakfast and getting ready to go to the conference. This week I'm up before the rest. Catching sunrise as it pours in thru the dining room, trickling thru your prism and all the way to the living room. It is a golden morning! I like to share it with you.
There is an image of you from last week that is still in my mind. It is the silhouette of you sitting on the side of your daughter's bed - back lit by a nite light, leaning over - saying goodnite. It is a picture of love and security. And the feeling that goes with it is: I'd like to be that little girl reaching up + saying Goodnite Daddy! And now at almost any point I can try to imagine what you would be doing-after seeing you in your home, with your family-
3:00 same day
I can't seem to do anything today - I feel a real hole in my heart -I miss you badly today. It is a beautiful brilliant day but I can't shake this feeling. Life is not complete, without you. I just need to say that "I Love you" - now maybe I can get some work done. I wonder how you are feeling right now.
Mon AM
To add to the list on the front of this card- You now also have a quiet place that you can go anytime- from anywhere. That quiet place inside yourself.
Thank you for the happiness you have given me you are very
much with me today -
I love you!"
Signed with a Smiley heart.
She continued on a Sunday morning:
It is a warm, comfortable feeling, of having our two families together, getting along so well. Why not? They are extensions of ourselves. And if we are compatible, then all our families, put together should also be compatible. It is sad and unfortunate in one way, and wonderful in another that we become friends after you move
away. I was never as close to you or your family especially during the seven years we lived in the same town, including the 12 years we lived down the street, as we are now that you are 300 miles away. And it happens not only in this situation, but also with other friends. I have enjoyed these last few visits, seeing you in motion with your family in your routine. I am very impressed with your routine and how you all stick to a set schedule for getting up, getting out, a time for everything... I feel completely chaotic by comparison. Maybe that is the difference of having your wife at home to keep everything in order, so that schedules can be maintained. I can't remember a time while I was there either visit that your wife did anything for herself. All was devoted to the family. I am mentioning this in a positive way, in a way of admiration. I know you wish she would do more for herself, and I'm sure she will, once everything is in order on the home front. Anyway I've appreciated these times to see you at home, at work. Keeping a healthy distance from you has helped to get a good perspective. Other times of being close to you and getting overwhelmed by that, were balanced by these last few visits of "neutral cordiality".
SUN NITE:
The sky was beautiful tonight as the crescent moon arose. My son and I went for a run down the road and made a wish on the evening star. Tonight I had to wish for my husband's dad's health.
She continued in another email.
I will rewrite here what I scribbled in my notes while at your house in early April. By day I was calm and orderly but shut up in my room at night. I was tired and all confused. So read this with that in mind.
All crazy and mixed up now, on the absolute top of it one day, and by nite, so confused. Feeling great highs from achievements and teaching and feeling close to this family and then feeling like a wedge right through the middle of it. I love them all too much to love any one so much. What is all this?? I tell myself it is all okay, we are just best friends who somehow psychically, physically and emotionally have a special bond. And that's it? So what is this long distance exchange for so many months? What are these times of emptiness when I think of voids without you? I can't believe I'm here in your home-living here
-seeing you in everything you do, feeling very comfortable on one hand and a real intruder on the other. I'm a fly on the wall, living your life with you. Seeing your family pictures everywhere, so happy that you have such a good family and now you will grow together even stronger....Yeah-maybe that's what I feel, I'm just tired and a little mixed up...but then why do I want you to come in here so badly?
In hopes of getting this out today, I will stop now. Sent with lots of love!!
Later she wrote some various cards and notes.
It was an all-white card with a single heart on the front, and inside the inscription - "that's all is wanted to say" and she wrote inside not really -I have a lot to say just no time to say it all... miss you - - like crazy lots of love
Grace
Just a quick note to add to this disk. It's Thursday, 5-3-90
Be my 5 min. dinner companion. Thanks for your card and the thoughts with it. I'm sorry your cold was getting the best of you last week and your allergies are getting you this week. I remember wondering why are you so quiet and reserved, wondering what you were feeling, even when we were somewhat alone. I suppose even with my son around, we still need coded language. Kids pick up more that we give them credit for..
I had a surge of missing you yesterday, being in the office, looking around at all the things that reminded me of when you were here, thinking of all the things you have taught me, thinking of the directions you have gently guided me into, thinking of your goodness and kindness, and lovability, and then 'Somewhere' came on the radio, thinking of the time I held your hand, listening to that song, in February... These feelings still come, although I've adjusted to life
- Writer
