A Whirlwind of Color

20

I slowly stood up and started pacing back and forth. James wanted me to fall in love with him again. But I wasn’t sure I knew how. I had never been in love. I couldn’t just turn a switch in my heart and make myself understand that I needed him. And what if I had been unhappy as his wife? Why would I want to trick myself back into being miserable for eternity?

What I needed was to get out of this apartment. I needed to find some cash and get as far away from New York City as possible. My gut told me to go to my parents. But they seemed mixed up in all of this too. I needed to get away from everyone and clear my head. Yes. That’s what I had to do. Maybe one day I’d remember, or maybe I wouldn’t. But it would all be on my own terms. And then I could decide if I wanted this life or if I needed to make a new one for myself.

I ran over to the closet and searched around for a backpack. I knew I couldn’t run right now, but I could prepare for whenever I had the opportunity. After rummaging through the drawers, I found a small duffel bag shoved in the back of the closet. This will have to do. I stuffed it full of workout clothes like I’d actually be running the whole time I was running away. I even found a spare toothbrush to throw in. And then I hid it behind my extravagant shoe collection.

I took a deep breath. A go-bag. I felt like a criminal when I walked back out of the closet. But I wasn’t sure why. Everything in the bag was mine. I think.

***

“Do you want to go for that walk?” James asked.

I closed the nightstand drawer I had been searching through. Where did he keep all the loose cash? I couldn’t exactly leave without any money. Identification would be nice too, but James had definitely hidden my purse from me. Probably the same place he hid my phone. “Um. Sure.” I stood up.

“Everything okay?” he asked.

“You mean before or after the fighting match downstairs?”

He shoved his hands into his pockets. “I tend to be a little possessive.”

“Why don’t you trust your brother though? He’s married. And you know…your brother. I doubt he’d ever do anything to purposely hurt you.”

“He may have used to have a thing for you.”

“Well, now I’m fat and old. I don’t think you have anything to worry about.” I smiled at him.

“You’re young. And beautiful. And not at all fat.”

I looked down at my stomach. “Then you’re blind.”

He laughed. It wasn’t as carefree as his brother’s laughter, but it still made me smile.

I stared at him. “Are you going to answer all of my questions?”

“I am,” he said. But he didn’t add anything else.

“So…what happened to me?”

“I want to show you something first. I think it might help jog your memory.” He put his hand out for me.

“We’re leaving the apartment?”

“We are.” He kept his hand outstretched.

What’s the worst that could happen if I take it? I slid my hand into his and let him lead me out of the bedroom. He was wrong when he told Rob that I cringed at his touch. I wasn’t cringing. I was scared of the energy I felt when I touched him. I wasn’t repulsed at all. I was terrified.

Friday

I looked over my shoulder to see the two security guards following us through the winding paths of Central Park. “Do they always accompany us when we leave the apartment?” I asked.

He nodded.

“So we’re always in danger of something? Or someone?”

“Not necessarily. I may be a little overprotective of you. And especially when we’re apart, I worry.” He squeezed my hand.

I think he meant the action to be comforting. But his words made him seem overbearing. I hadn’t been allowed to leave the house today without him. What else wasn’t I allowed to do without his permission?

“But are we in danger now?” I asked.

He sighed. It sounded so heavy, like he had been holding it back for years. “I honestly don’t know anymore.”

“You promised you’d answer my questions, James.”

“And I will. Are you hungry?” He had stopped in front of the restaurant he’d pointed out yesterday. The one with the huge tree that we apparently got married under.

It really was breathtakingly beautiful. There were a few wedding pictures in our apartment and I truly had looked happy. Painfully happy. That was the only way to describe it. I had been smiling so much it looked like my face probably hurt for days. And it was painful now to look at, because I couldn’t remember a single second of it. Weddings were known to be one of the best days of a person’s life. My best day was still when I got my acceptance to The University of New Castle. I had never been so excited. Did my wedding day top that? Was it as perfect as everyone claimed it would be?

“No, I’m good,” I said. I didn’t want to sit under that tree and eat lunch with him. Not just because not remembering made me uncomfortable. But because it would be hard for him. I got why he brought me here. I understood what he was doing. Even if I hadn’t overheard his conversation with Rob, I would have known he was trying to trigger my memories. But I had no memories of him. I just…didn’t.

He looked pained that I wasn’t trying. Or maybe he was just in pain.

“What happened to us, James?” The expression on his face made me want to cry. I wanted to hug him and fight away all his demons. I wished that everything that came out of my mouth didn’t hurt him so much.

He pulled me over to a bench outside of the restaurant and we both sat down. He grabbed my hands, cradling them between his, like he was worried I’d try to flee if he let go. I thought about my go-bag hidden in the back of his closet. Would it crush him when I left? Would he eventually heal?