A Whirlwind of Color

21

James ran his thumb along the back of my hand. I found it oddly comforting. It pulled me out of my thoughts. I stared into his eyes, willing myself to remember a past I wasn’t sure I even believed was real.

“We were happy, Penny.”

That wasn’t what he had said to his brother. He said he caught me crying all the time. It sounded to me like I had been depressed. “You used the past tense. Is that because you’re not happy now? Or does it go further back than that?”

He glanced over at the tree. I could tell that memories were flashing through his mind. Glimpses of us.

I felt like he was lulling me into a false sense of security. He was making me feel safe. But I felt like whatever he was about to say was going to terrify me. “James.”

He pulled himself out of his memories and looked back at me. “I’m going to start at the beginning.” He continued to rub his thumb along the back of my hand. “We met outside of class. You literally fell into my arms.”

I laughed. “I’m not the most graceful person.”

“I don’t think it had anything to do with that. I think we were meant to run into each other that day. I needed you in my life. And I like to think that you needed me too.”

His words made my chest hurt. I had never heard anything so romantic in my life. “You’re a believer in fate?”

“I wasn’t. But then I met you. You changed everything, Penny.” His Adam’s apple rose and fell. “Every single thing.”

“How?”

“I…” He leaned forward slightly. “I wasn’t whole before I met you.”

Everything he was saying was romantic. Yet vague. And rather cliché. I wanted to hear him out, but he wasn’t giving me any details. “So…you were a single professor looking for love on campus?”

“No.” He looked like I had slapped him. He let his hands fall from mine. “It wasn’t like that.”

“Because we met outside of class? After you found out you were my professor, shouldn’t you have forgotten about me?”

“You made that impossible.”

“Me? I find that hard to believe.”

“We kept running into each other outside of class. And when we were in class, you flirted with me. You showed up at my office hours unannounced. You ingrained yourself in my mind and wouldn’t leave.”

“You’re saying that it’s my fault? You were the adult in the situation.”

“I’m not saying it was your fault. This is coming out wrong.” He grabbed my hands again. “Penny, I tried to do the right thing. But I couldn’t stop thinking about you. You completely possessed me. It was hard enough keeping you out of my thoughts during the day, but then at night I’d dream of you in my bed with me. I couldn’t control it. And I didn’t just want you. It felt like I needed you in my life. Like you were the answer to all my problems. It wasn’t your fault at all. It was mine. I could have squashed your flirtations. I could have ignored you. I could have not flirted back. But I didn’t. I wanted you to want me despite how wrong it was. And I still have a hard time thinking about what I did. I know it was wrong. But I don’t regret it either because I don’t know how to live without you.”

I didn’t have the heart to tell him he should regret it. That he tore me away from the school I loved. From the town I loved. From everything I knew. “If you loved me as much as you say, why didn’t we just wait? I could have finished school there.”

“We were going to. But it got complicated rather quickly. I was going through a divorce and…”

“You’ve been married before?” I never in my life thought I’d be someone’s second choice in the end. I had been second my whole life. The thought of Austin blowing me off made me want to cry. I'd gone from one jerk to the next.

“I never loved her. It wasn’t like our relationship at all.”

“If you didn’t love her then why did you marry her?” I didn’t know why I was jealous. I didn’t even like James. But my mind was already running a million miles a second. Was she prettier than me? Skinnier? Did she still have all her memories intact?

“My parents were very controlling. And I…” he let his voice trail off. “I was numb to the world. I had given up on happiness at a pretty early age. My life was laid out for me. And I didn’t fight it like I should have.”

“Why were you numb to the world?”

“Penny, I wanted to talk about how in love we are and how perfect we are for each other. I brought you here to try and help remind you…”

“I don’t want to be given some lies about how our life was a fairytale, James. I overheard you talking to Rob. You said I wasn’t happy. I don’t want to hear some dream you made up…”

“I didn’t make any of this up. We were happy. Baby, we were so happy.”

“Then why were you numb to the world?”

“That was before I met you…”

“But it’s still a part of who you are. You can’t tell me the good and keep away the bad. You said you’d be honest with me. And I want to know about this.”

“I was depressed, okay?” He stood up, like the idea of being so close to me made it hard for him to breathe. “Before I became a professor, I was working at a job I hated with a wife I loathed. I contemplated ending my miserable life.”