A Whirlwind of Color

15

My eyes scanned the closet once more but I didn’t see a better alternative. God, please already be asleep. I stepped out of the closet, tugging at the hem of the shirt, hoping to lower it even more.

James was sitting on the edge of the bed, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. He looked exhausted. But his eyes lit up when he saw me. Like I had done something to make him happy, even though all I had done was stolen one of his t-shirts.

“I’m sorry, I should have asked.” I stopped pulling on the fabric. “It just seemed more comfortable than those…nightgowns.” I had almost lost my words because he had chosen that moment to sit up straight. He had lost his shirt and was only wearing a pair of boxers. And he was perfect. Every cut of muscle on his stomach made him look like a Greek God. His arms were lean and strong. His skin was even perfectly tanned.

“It’s fine. Really.” He smiled at me staring at him. And this smile didn’t look concerned or tinged with sadness. He looked genuinely happy.

“Alright. So…” my voice trailed off. “I guess that’s my side.” I pointed to the opposite side of the bed that he was sitting, trying my best not to keep ogling him.

“Unless you’d prefer here,” he said.

“No, that’s okay.” I walked over to my side of the bed and pushed back the sheets. I figured once he fell asleep, I’d slip out of bed and go sleep on the couch downstairs. Or maybe I’d take the time to figure out how to unlock one of the doors down the hall. Or find some of the pictures that had been removed from the walls.

I slid into bed and pulled the covers up to my chin. I felt him staring at me before he switched off the lights. The bed sagged slightly when he climbed in, but he didn’t try to come on my side.

I kept my eyes open, waiting for them to adjust to the darkness. Hints of his cologne swirled around me. I'd had too much to drink tonight. Or maybe it was his cologne intoxicating me. But words spilled out of me to fill the silence. “I’m glad I married you,” I said. And not Austin. What a nightmare that would have been.

“Me too.” His words sounded harsh and broken, like maybe he was holding back tears.

The sound made tears well in my own eyes. “I’m trying. To remember.” I wasn’t sure if that was true. But it would be tomorrow. I needed to do a better job pretending. I didn’t want to break him any more than he was broken.

“This is hard for me too,” he said into the darkness.

“I know.” My voice was quiet. I remembered waking up in my hospital bed with his arms wrapped around me. I had thought he was Austin. But if I was being honest, I had never felt that content in Austin’s arms. It was like my body knew it belonged to this man, but my heart and head didn’t understand. But I wanted to feel comforted again. And I didn’t have any sweatpants in this apartment. I slid my hand into the middle of the bed.

Even though the act had been silent, it was like James could tell I was reaching for him. His hand slid toward mine. Just the tips of our fingers touched. But it felt momentous to me.

Friday

I half expected to wake up in the cocoon of warmth that only James’ arms seemed to provide. But I wasn’t tucked into his side when I opened my eyes. His smell was still all around me though. I sighed. So I was still stuck in this alternate reality. I took a deep breath. Why was I comforted by the smell of him?

“Morning, hot stuff,” said a deep, unfamiliar voice.

I screamed at the top of my lungs as I fell off the bed in a pathetic attempt to get away.

“s**t. You okay?”

I looked up at the face staring down at me. It was the man that looked similar to James. His brother. I couldn’t remember his name. “What are you doing in my bed?” Was this a brother thing? Them showing up in inappropriate places?

“I promised James I’d watch you. And when I got here last night you were already sleeping.” He climbed off the bed and stuck his hand out for me to help me to my feet.

I ignored his outstretched hand and scrambled to my feet by myself. “That doesn’t answer my question. Why were you sleeping next to me instead of James?”

“Because I was tired.” He pushed his hair away from his eyes. “Geez, lighten up, will you? It’s not like we banged. Even though I’m sure you wanted it.” He winked at me.

“Excuse me?”

“Don’t get your panties in a bunch, Penny. You’re acting like we’ve never joked around like this before.”

“Because we haven’t joked around like this before. Wait, do we usually?”

“Always.”

“Oh my God, am I cheating on James with you?”

“What?” He laughed and stared at me like I was a lunatic. “Of course not. We’re both happily married. To other people. But don’t look so shocked. I would have thought we’d have ended up together too.” He winked again.

“Stop winking at me.”

He proceeded to wink a third time.

“You’re juvenile.”

“Me? I’m not the one strutting around here pretending to be 19 years old.”

“I haven’t been strutting. And I am 19 years old. Everyone around me has lost their freaking minds.”

“Cut it out.” He started walking away from me like he was frustrated.

It was my job to be frustrated, not his. “Cut what out?”

“This whole woe-is-me thing you’ve got going on. It’s like you’re not even trying to remember. And stop attempting to distract me from how annoyed I am by not putting pants on.”

I knew my cheeks were turning bright red. I tugged on the hem of James’ shirt. “I’m not even convinced that there is anything to remember. As far as I know this is all just a really awful dream.”

“Exactly. You’re not trying. Meanwhile, James needs you. You’re the only one that can fix this.”

“I don’t know how to fix anything. He’s an adult. I’m sure he’s fine.”

“Earth to Penny. You’re an adult too.”

I’m a teenager. My fingers abandoned the hem of the shirt. “Why are you so angry with me?” All of this was hard on me too. At least he had all his memories intact.

“I’m…” his voice trailed off. “I’m not mad at you.” He lowered both his eyebrows just like James frequently did. “You just freaked me out, Penny. I thought I lost you.” He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me. “I thought I lost you,” he mumbled into my hair.