June & July

Chapter 2

JULY

2. Hopeless wishes :

"If you are different means that you are exceptional"

I slammed the door behind me and hurriedly locked it. Soon running footsteps approached my bedroom door, hastily and swiftly rotating the knob, but then realizing that I had already clasped it, as assumed, the banging started.

"July!!! Darling please open up" it was my mother as reckoned.

She was always there for me when no one else was and always understood me, unlike others ... of course, she was my mom. But I didn't have enough gallantry and audacity to open up. I was fed up of facing people, bored of being a responsibility, exhausted of trusting others and hackneyed of sharing something. Too tired.

Breathing hard, I freed my shoulders from the heavy satchel on my back along with snatching my school tie from my collar and threw both of them on the floor. She was still there, waiting for me to open but I didn't even care to riposte. Sometimes, I felt like that I was more of a load on her rather than being a dependent because she doesn't treats my elder siblings in the same way.

I wish I wasn't like that.

Holding my head in my hands, I leaned against the wall. Releasing another breath, my trembling hands came from my head towards my knees. Fortuitously my hands stiffened on my knees, rubbing my fingers again and again on my school pants and trying to dig my nails somehow, even though I knew they didn't even existed. So small since I had a habit of biting them. I was shivering badly. The thoughts of what happened in the school today maddened me and made me felt that I was nothing.

I wish I was different.

Tears watered my face turning into sobs and while whimpering I tried to stop my hiccups several times by covering my mouth but how could someone like me fight back anything ... wasn't I a loser??

Because that's what everybody told me.

Puffed, I took a lungful of air, removed my glasses and wiped my tears. Breathless, the grip of my sweaty hands stiffened on my glasses. I was nearly out of breath. Still quavering and panting, I stood up from the floor and wiped my face, once again. Sitting on the edge of my bed, I calmed myself in a few minutes shutting every memory that was still torturing and agitating me. Finally, when I unpredictably allowed myself to open the door, unexpectedly my eyes traveled towards the mirror and when I looked at my figure, a sad look appeared on my face. Running my hand through my silky hairs I missed my sister that married last year. I missed the way she touched them and fancied them and always told me that she hoped she had hairs like mine. Standing still, thinking about her, a weak smile appeared on my face and I made my way outside, but before that another willing desire skipped through my mind and released my quivering lips.

I wish I wasn't a stutterer.