Come Back To Me

Chapter 14

After dinner, Gavin and I dropped off his car and now we’re walking the five blocks to Brad’s house. Gavin has been pretty quiet since dinner, and now I feel kind of awkward. The revelation of Gavin’s growing feelings for me, have thrown me. Now I don’t know where we stand. I have a feeling that Gavin regrets even saying anything about it at all. Not that he outright said he likes me, but I got the picture. On top of that, I hadn’t outright rejected him either. I just said I wasn’t ready to date, not that I wouldn’t ever date. As far as everyone else knows, Reid is gone, but to me, he’s really not. I’ve gotten to be with him most nights since he died, so I’ve never had consider moving on from him.

The sad truth is though, that Reid will never be able to really be with me. He says that he can only seem to make himself known in my room. What kind of relationship is that? That’s not a future, and I don’t think it’s his heaven either. I know I can’t live in my room forever, and I will have to let him go eventually. The scary thought that I can’t let go of is, what if I move on, and he can’t? What if he’s stuck there in limbo for eternity? Will he still be there when I’m gone? How could I do that to him? Will it help him move on if I do too? Is it painful for him to be stuck in there, while the world moves on without him? Have I been horribly selfish?

“Hey,” Gavin says softly, breaking the silence, “what are you thinking so hard about?”

“Reid,” I say honestly, “I know I have to move on Gavin, but it’s a lot harder than it seems.”

“Nobodies expecting you to move on completely Hadley. I know that his loss was devastating, trust me, I know it was.”

Gavin stops walking and reaches out and grabs my arm to stop me, and pulls me around so that I’m facing him.

“And maybe it is too soon, but Hadley, I can’t help the way I feel about you.”

“You’re my best friend Gavin,” I whisper, scared to say more.

“And you’re mine too. I’d like to think I’ve helped you through all of this, and you’ve helped me too. I know you probably feel like you’d be betraying Reid somehow if you were to admit that your feelings for me run deeper than friendship as well.”

I can’t seem to meet Gavin’s eyes as he says this. I try and look inside myself to see if what he says is the truth, and I just haven’t allowed myself to admit it.

“I don’t know, I just don’t know…” I breathe; and Gavin takes my face in his hands and forces me to look at him.

“Look, I don’t expect anything from you. I just want you to know, because I can’t keep pretending otherwise. When you told me today that Cole asked you out, it upset me. I felt instantly jealous, and I knew if I never told you this, I run the risk of being put in the friend zone forever.”

A tiny, unexpected giggle escapes my lips.

“The friend zone?”

“It can be a guys worst enemy,” he says, a hint of a smile playing on his lips.

“Well I wouldn’t want to put you up against your worst enemy,” I try at a joke, and luckily Gavin laughs.

“So how about this? We won’t worry about this for now? I can be very patient, but when the day comes that you feel ready for something more, you look to me first? Until then, we’ll stay the same as we are now. I don’t want to rush you into something you’re not ready for. Just do me a favor? Don’t let Cole or anyone else take you out on your first date, I’d like to have that privilege.”

“You already have the privilege,” I whisper.

Gavin gives me a look of confusion, so I elaborate.

“Dinner and a party, sounds like a date to me.”

A wide grin spreads across Gavin’s face and I smile back at him. I wasn’t expecting myself to say it, but for some reason, it felt right. Gavin is still holding my face in his hands when he sucks in a deep breath and releases it.

“One step at a time,” he murmurs, to himself I think, then we start walking again.

We make it to Brad’s house, and we can hear the music pumping out through the open front door. There are vehicles lining the street, some are even parked on the lawn. I recognize Cole’s truck parked nearby. Tonight should be interesting. Gavin places his hand on the small of my back as we walk through the door, and it sends an unexpected current through my spine.

“Shall we grab a drink?” Gavin asks me.

“Um…sure,” I say with a nervous smile.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I say unconvincingly.

Gavin smirks down at me and leans in to whisper in my ear.

“If it helps, we can keep the fact that this is a date our little secret. I don’t feel like answering any questions tonight either.”

A feeling of relief washes over me, I hadn’t realized I was so nervous about that. I nod in agreement. We head into the kitchen, and are met with a myriad of greetings. Brad give’s Gavin a manly, back tapping hug and hands him a beer.

“What can I get you lil’ lady?” Brad asks me, “we’ve got beer, wine coolers, whiskey, vodka and everything in between.”

“I’ll take a wine cooler please,” I say with a smile.

“Coming right up sweetness,” he replies, reaching into a cooler on the floor and producing a strawberry kiwi cooler.

He twists it open and hands it to me. Julia and Trevor appear next to me then.

“Hadley!” she squeals.

I can tell she’s already had a few drinks. She pulls me in to hug her.

“Hi,” I laugh, “drunk already?”

“No way, just buzzed,” she declares proudly.

I look over at Gavin who’s talking to Brad and Trevor, and he winks at me. I can’t help the blush that warms my cheeks. I look back at Julia, who has caught the interaction and is now staring at me with a knowing smirk on her face.

“Come with me, we need to talk,” she orders, pulling on my sweater.

“What about?” I ask.

“Oh, I think you know,” she says, shoving past a few girls about to head into the bathroom. They protest as we duck in front of them. Julia turns on the light and locks the door.

“So, tell me everything,” she says excitedly.

“Tell you what?”

“What is going on between you and Gavin? You know, I’m surprised I didn’t see it before, but it all makes sense now.”

“What makes sense now? There’s nothing going on between me and Gavin.”

“Oh honey, you’re either lying to me, or yourself. Which is it?”

She crosses her arms and taps her foot, waiting for me. When I don’t answer her, she sighs loudly and sits on the edge of the bathtub, and pats the space net to her. I take the seat.

“Hadley, we’ve been best friends since we were little kids, please talk to me. I feel like we don’t really talk as much as we used to, and I think it’s because Gavin has kind of stepped into the role as your confidant, and I get it, I do. Nobody would understand Reid’s loss better than he would, but I think I could help too if you let me.”

“I still tell you stuff,” I argue.

“Not like before.”

She shakes her head and jabs a finger in my chest.

“I know there’s more going on inside there than you let on.”

I look at the serious expression on her face, and her eyes are slightly glassy. I wish I could tell her the whole story, but I can’t without looking like I’ve gone completely insane.

“There are things that I don’t even talk about with Gavin, things that I can’t talk about with anybody,” I admit.

“Tell me Hadley. You can trust me, and you know you it. I have never given you any reason not to, and I never will.”

“It’s complicated,” I shake my head.

“So complicated that you can’t tell a single soul? What is it? Drugs? Alcohol? Are you thinking about hurting yourself?” she chokes out the last sentence and tears start streaming down her cheeks.

I grab her hand quickly.

“No, no, nothing like that,” I try and assure her.

“Because Hadley, you have so many people who love and care for you, there’s help for you if you need it. The only way it’ll get better is if you tell somebody…”

“Julia, I’m not considering suicide okay?”

I grab her face and look at her with all the conviction I have.

“It’s nothing like that, I promise. It’s not drugs or alcohol either.”

“Then what is it? You’ll feel better if you just let it go.”

“That’s the problem, I can’t let it go, and if I tell anyone what it is, you’ll lock me up in a padded room and throw away the key.”

I lift my drink to my lips and take a long pull. Julia grabs some toilet paper and dabs at her face.

“I can’t imagine what could be that crazy Hadley, I’m sure that’s not the case.”

“Wanna bet?”

“Try me.”

“I tried to tell you once, but I chickened out,” I tell her.

I think back to the day when I almost told her, but told her it was a dream instead. She frowns, obviously searching her brain for what I could be referring to. Maybe I should just tell her. If I can trust her like she says I can, then maybe she’ll take it better than I think she will. Maybe this could be a part of the moving on process, admitting that I haven’t had to really move on yet.

“You’ll never get it,” I chuckle.

“This isn’t funny,” she says, “tell me what the hell is going on.”

“Okay, I’ll tell you, if you promise not to laugh, call me crazy, or completely blow off the fact that what I’m saying is the truth, whether you think it is or not, because it is my truth, and I’m not crazy.”

“Sounds…heavy.”

“I’m serious, Julia.”

She nods and holds her right hand over her heart and her left hand up like she’s taking an oath.

“I promise not to laugh, call you crazy, or blow it off.”

Satisfied, I just let it out.

“Ever since Reid died, he’s been visiting me in my room at night, and not while I’m dreaming. He’s able to be there in some kind of energy form, and I can see, feel, hear, smell and talk to him, just like he’s really there.”

I watch Julia’s face, but it remains blank. She doesn’t speak for almost a minute.

“Hadley, are you trying to tell me that Reid’s ghost is haunting you?”

“That’s right, though I don’t know if I’d consider it haunting.”

She’s quiet again, a look of deep contemplation on her face.

“Okay,” she says, “that is totally not what I was expecting…”

“I shouldn’t have said anything.”

I shake my head, suddenly feeling stupid. Of course she thinks I’m crazy now. I stand up, but she grabs my arm and pulls me back down.

“You’re not going anywhere,” she says, “As luck would have it, you are talking to somebody who happens to believe in this kind of stuff. I watch those Medium shows with my mom all the time.”

“You believe me?”

I give her a dubious look.

“Obviously something is happening Hadley. You’ve never been the type of person to believe in this kind of stuff. When we were younger and would watch all of those horror movies, you always just laughed at the idea of the supernatural or paranormal or whatever.”

“I totally thought you were going to call me crazy. Believe me, I thought I was too, and I’m still not completely certain that I’m not. Maybe I’ve been hallucinating this whole time.”

“I don’t think you’re hallucinating. I think that Reid is stuck somewhere between this world and the next, and he’s not ready to let go yet, at least not until you are too.”

“You’ve got this figured out already?”

“Like I said, I watch a lot of ghost shows. The type of love you and Reid had doesn’t just go away, so that would explain his lingering.”

“I can’t tell you how much of a relief it is that you know now. I’ve been keeping this to myself for so long.”

“I told you that you could trust me Hadley.”

“Thank you Julia,” I reach over and hug her tightly, “I feel like a ton of weight has lifted off my shoulders.”

“So, what do we do now?” She asks.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, both of you need to be set free. How do we go about this?”

“Actually, Reid and I got into a little fight last night. He told me I had to start moving on or else he wouldn’t visit me anymore.”

“That’s a little confusing. I understand the part that you need to move on, but if he visits you again, won’t that set you back all over again?”

“I think he means it as incentive.”

“Incentive?”

“He said I’d never let him go if he keeps coming around. He said that it was selfish of him, so he was going to stop coming until I opened myself up to dating somebody else.”

“Wow, and I thought my relationships were complicated.”

“It’s hard Julia. Reid is the love of my life. How do I just let him go?”

“Reid is already gone Hadley.”

“I know he’s gone physically.”

“I agree with him though. This isn’t something you can keep up. There’s more out there for you, this isn’t any way to live, for either of you.”

“I know you’re right.”

“I can help you. Whenever you are having troubles, talk to me about it. I wouldn’t mention this to Gavin or anyone else, this can be our little secret.”

“Another little secret,” I smirk, and Julia catches it.

“What?” she smiles.

“Gavin and I are sort of on a date tonight, but we aren’t telling anybody.”

“Hold on! You and Gavin are dating?”

“No, not really. I didn’t think of this as a date at first. Just friends. But Gavin told me tonight that he has feelings for me, and that when I’m ready to date, he’d like to be the first one to take me out.”

“How’d this happen?”

“Well, I told him that Cole asked me out yesterday, and I guess Gavin didn’t like it. So I told him that this could be a date. I’m still not quite ready to move on romantically of course, but I’m going to try.”

“Wait…Cole asked you out?”

“Yeah…I’m sorry, is that weird?”

“Maybe it’s a little weird. You’re not interested are you?”

“Not at all,” I say.

“Then it’s a non-issue. I actually think you and Gavin could make a really good couple, once you’re ready of course.”

“Just one thing though. Wouldn’t it be weird to date Reid’s brother? I feel like I’m betraying Reid.”

“Why don’t you ask him how he feels about it?”

“What if it makes him upset? Then I’ll never be able to be with Gavin knowing that Reid would never be okay with it.”

“You want to be with Gavin?”

“I’m not sure. It’s a confusing situation. I feel like I’m cheating on Reid with his brother.”

“Ugh! This is so friggin’ complicated Hadley.”

“You’re telling me. I didn’t even realize that I had feelings for Gavin until tonight. I don’t think I could admit it to myself, let alone Reid. They are new feelings, and I don’t know how this all works.”

“Yeah, how to tell your dead boyfriend that you might like his brother. It’s a pickle.”