Come Back To Me

Chapter 12

April…

The familiar hallways of our high school didn’t seem so familiar at all for those first few weeks of school. Without Reid next to me, I felt kind of lost. Now it’s been about eight months since Reid’s picture was put up in the cafeteria next to other memorial photos of students that had passed away over the years. Sympathetic looks are still aimed at me sometimes, but they no longer look at me like I’m a ticking time bomb. I still miss Reid with every inch of my being, but the thing that makes it easier is the fact that Reid still visits me in my room most nights. I still haven’t dared to share that information with anybody, and I don’t intend to.

For the first few months after Reid’s death and subsequent visits, I would make sure I was in my room every single night, turning down any offer to do anything else. No parties, no movies, nada, because I wanted to see Reid. However, Reid pointed out that if I kept that up, people would start to worry again, and he really wanted for me to live my life as normally as possible. He actually threatened to stop visiting as often if I didn’t, though I think it was an empty threat. Slowly, I started to re-instate myself into some sort of social life. Julia was happy to have her friend back, and Gavin also seemed relieved. The three of us started hanging out together on a semi-regular basis whenever Gavin was able to get time off work. I had tried to convince Gavin to ask Julia out, but for some reason I don’t understand, it never came to fruition. He said it was because he’s too busy, and that he just wasn’t interested in starting a relationship, right now. I had decided to just leave it alone and Julia moved on. She’s been dating a guy named Trevor now for the last two months. Gavin and I hang out sometimes too, and it feels nice to have a close circle of friends to keep me occupied, a nice distraction. Reid thinks it’s nice that Gavin and I have become such good friends. I was relieved because I had been worried that he would think it was too weird. It’s just that Gavin seems to understand me better than anyone, besides Reid of course, and sharing the loss of Reid has bonded us somehow.

It’s Thursday afternoon, and I’m just heading into the cafeteria to grab lunch, when I feel two arms wrap around my neck from behind.

“Hey Hadley, what’s up?” Cole asks, releasing me.

“Hey Cole. I’m good, just hungry,” I tell him, heading towards the counter.

He stays by my side and we both grab some sandwiches and juice. After we’ve paid, or Cole has paid, as I should say since he insisted, we go looking for a table. Eventually we find a free one and sit down.

“So Hadley, what are you up to tomorrow night?” Cole asks me.

“If you’re having another party, I’m not up for it,” I laugh.

His last party was two weeks ago in his field again, and I had played designated driver for Julia, Trevor and Gavin. It was chaos as usual.

“No, no. Not a party,” he chuckles, shaking his head, “actually, I uh…”

He pauses and removes his black ball cap, running his hand nervously through his sandy bond hair.

“I was actually wondering if you wanted to go to a movie with me tomorrow night.”

I stop chewing and meet his nervous, yet hopeful blue eyes. I swallow, but I am lost for words.

“You’re asking me out?” I manage to choke out.

“Well…yeah. I know it might be too soon Had, but I figured everyone has to move on at some point. I just thought maybe…”

“Wow Cole. I don’t... I don’t know what to say,” I stutter.

This wasn’t something I was expecting to happen. I knew eventually it would happen, the day somebody would ask me out. I just wasn’t expecting it to happen so soon, and I definitely didn’t expect it to be Cole. I mean, he sometimes flirts a little with me, but that’s just how he is, or so I thought.

“Just one movie. If it’s too weird, then alright, I’ll wait until you’re ready before we go out again.”

“Huh? Wait until I’m ready to go out…again?”

“Or whatever,” he laughs nervously, “so how about it?”

“Oh Cole, I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” I say, shaking my head.

What would Reid think about this? And even if I was willing to try, is it cheating when your fiancé is a ghost?

“We could go, just as friends, we don’t have to call it a date,” Cole changes tact.

“You’re Julia’s ex,” I argue, and he frowns at me.

“Yeah, a long time ago. She’s moved on, I’ve moved on…” he trails off.

“You’re Reid’s best friend,” I state, and a pained look crosses Cole’s features, but he doesn’t respond to that.

“I’m just not ready,” I say instead, hoping this will deter him.

“You’re not ready to hang out with friends? You do it all the time.”

“Cole, that’s not what I mean, and you know it.”

Cole stares at me, and I stare back at him, the silence stretching between us.

“Hadley, I like you. I think we would have a good time. Don’t you think that Reid would want you to be happy and live your life? He’s not coming back; you have to give yourself a break. It’s not like you’d be betraying him, it would just mean that you are trying to move on with your life. It doesn’t mean that you’re forgetting about him,” Cole says with an intensity I didn’t know he had.

I fight the urge to say to him that I could ask Reid exactly what he would think about this, and it wouldn’t be approval, that’s for sure.

“Would you be more comfortable if I invited other people and we went as a group?” Cole then asks.

“Maybe. Like I said, I’m not ready to date anyone Cole. I just can’t do it,” I say adamantly.

Cole sighs and his shoulders slump.

“I understand I guess, but you can’t blame a guy for trying.”

That night, I sit on my bed, with my window wide open, waiting for Reid to appear. I feel the breeze pick up, and I close my eyes and smile to myself.

“Hi,” he breathes in my ear.

“Hi,” I whisper back and open my eyes. Reid is sitting next to me now, and he reaches for my hand.

“How was your day?” He asks, as always. I usually tell him how school went, what our friends are up to, and every other tidbit of the day, whether it was important or not.

“Interesting,” I tell him, staring at our interlaced fingers, feeling Reid’s skin on mine.

Sometimes, I’m still unsure if he’s real or not.

“That’s a change. What happened?” he asks.

I shuffle back onto my bed until I lean against the headboard and he follows suit.

“Somebody asked me out today,” I start, testing the waters before I dive right in.

I watch Reid’s face, waiting for his reaction, expecting anger. Instead, it registers amused surprise.

“Who?” He asks simply.

“Cole,” I say.

A low chuckle escapes Reid’s throat.

“Cole, huh? So, what did you say?”

“I told him no, of course.”

I give him a ‘what do you think I said?’ look.

“Why?”

What?

“What do you mean, why? Reid, I’m not going to date somebody else. I’m with you, I love you.”

“I love you too, of course. But here’s the thing Had, you’re not with me. I mean sure, I’m here now…but I’m not truly here. I’m here in some state that I don’t fully understand, but me, the true me, is six feet under at the Clearvale Cemetery.”

“You’re here, and I can talk to you, and feel you, and that’s all that matters,” I argue, feeling tears beginning to form behind my eyes.

I can tell by the sudden drop of temperature in my room that Reid is agitated.

“At some point Hadley, you will have to move on with your life. What are you going to do? Live at your mom’s house forever so that we can continue to do whatever this is?”

“Reid, why are you saying these things?” I say with a lump in my throat.

“Because Hadley!” Reid nearly shouts, showing his frustration, “if I don’t, you’ll never let me go.”

“I’m never going to want to let you go Reid,” I sob, “I won’t.”

“You have to, and you will at some point,” he barks.

The growing iciness in the air makes my teeth chatter.

“You want me to go out with Cole?”

I can’t believe this.

“That’s not what I’m saying.”

He shakes head and drops his head into his hands.

“Of course I don’t want you to be with someone else Hadley. But I can’t be selfish like that. It’s important that you try to move on, because we can’t do this forever.”

“I don’t want anyone else, I want you.”

Tears are steadily flowing down my cheeks now. I reach out for Reid, but he quickly pulls away and stands up.

“What are you doing?” I whisper, feeling panicked that he’s going to leave.

Reid doesn’t answer me though; he just starts pacing my bedroom. I keep my eyes glued to him, waiting to see what he’s going to do. Reid stops pacing and drops to the floor on his knees. I clamber off my bed and join him on the floor. I wrap my arms around him tightly.

“Reid, don’t leave me.”

“I don’t want to Hadley,” he murmurs.

“Then don’t.”

“You have to leave me Hadley. Let me go. Go on that date.”

“No, and besides, I don’t even like Cole that way.”

“You won’t open yourself to anybody as long as I’m around.”

Reid takes my hands and pulls me to my feet. I can’t make myself look at him, so he pulls my chin up so I have no choice.

“I think I have to stop coming around so often.”

I start shaking my head at him.

“No.”

“Yes Hadley. So here’s the deal. You’re going to go on that date with Cole, or if not him, anybody that piques your interest.”

“Or what?” I snap.

“Or I’m going to stop coming altogether.”

“You can’t do that. What? You don’t want to see me anymore?”

“Of course I want to see you Hadley. I love you, and I wish this wasn’t happening. But I’ve come to realize that my presence here isn’t helping you, it’s holding you back. You see, normally when somebody dies, they disappear, they’re gone, their loved ones can move on. Except in our case. I keep hanging around, making it impossible for you to heal.”

“So you’re only going to come back…if I move on? How does that make sense?”

“What, in our world, makes sense anyway?”

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing.” I groan.

Reid lets out a loud sigh and pulls me into his arms. I rest my head on his chest, and I feel him running his fingers through my hair.

“I’m not doing this to hurt you Hadley,” Reid says, “In fact it’s the opposite. I know you don’t understand that right now, but you will.”

“So, let me get this straight. If I want to see you, then I have to consider going on a date with somebody?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s only been eight months Reid. Even if I didn’t see you almost everyday like this, and the situation was like everyone else’s when they lost the love of their life, I still wouldn’t be ready to move on romantically. Nobody can replace you.”

“You’re not replacing me,” he argues.

“Reid!” I half-shout at him in frustration, and he actually flinches.

Reid pulls away and stares at me with surprise.

“Do not force me to date when I’m not ready. It hasn’t even been a year. I’ll try to get out there more often, but that’s all I can promise right now.”

“Okay Hadley. Even so, I mean what I said, I can’t be here every night.”

His words awaken a hurt inside me that I haven’t had to feel since before he first came to me. Then I feel mad. Mad at this whole situation. Selfish anger, that Reid will leave me all over again. Before I even realize what I’m doing, I pull away from Reid and push him away from me. His face registers shock then hurt.

“Fine! Just go then, get it over with!” I cry, turning away from him.

“Hadley,” he whispers, voice pained.

“Just go,” I order stubbornly, but I know deep down I don’t mean it. Him leaving is the last thing I want. Processing this, I turn around to tell Reid that I’m sorry…but he’s already gone.