Come Back To Me

Chapter 6

I wake feeling more rested than I have in a long time. I feel happy and peaceful for about two seconds as I leisurely stretch, and reach over to touch Reid. When I’m greeted to nothing but air, the happy and peaceful feeling I had quickly disappears.

I sit up quickly in bed and look around my small room, the early morning light starting to stream through my window.

“Reid?” I whisper out to him, but I am met with silence.

It was exactly what I feared it was, a wonderful dream. Of course it was a dream, there is no other rational explanation for Reid’s presence last night, it’s also a good explanation as to why I feel so rested, I was asleep the whole damn time.

Even though I already know the reality, I still can’t help the sinking feeling that comes over me. The dream was so vivid though. A teeny tiny piece of me thought that maybe, just maybe he was really here. I feel chilly, so I lay back down, pull my comforter up and over my head, and bury my face into my pillow, and I’m hit in the face by the overwhelming scent of Reid that saturates my pillow and blanket anew. How can that be? I must truly be going insane because I can imagine smells now. I hear a soft knock on my door.

“Hadley, are you awake sweetie?” My mother asks softly through the door.

I don’t feel ready to face the day yet, so I don’t answer her, hopeful that she’ll just leave me alone.

“Okay Hadley, well if you are hungry, there’s some breakfast ready.” I feel a little bad for not answering her, but I don’t want to get up, I don’t want to move, I don’t want to talk to anyone, except Reid. I squeeze my eyes shut, and will myself to go back to sleep, desperate to see Reid again. If this is the only way I can have him, then I hope I can just sleep forever.

It’s been five days since the funeral, and five days since Reid visited me in my dreams. Ever since then, I’ve pretty much locked myself in my room, only coming out to go to the bathroom. Then I’d go straight back to bed, waiting for him to come back to me. My mom has been leaving food outside my door, and I would bring it into my room just to get her to leave me alone. I would take a small bite here and there, but eventually I just end up throwing most of it out. I have absolutely no appetite. I lay curled up underneath the covers all day, all night, waiting, hoping, praying, and obsessing.

The few times when I have slept, it was nothing but black, dreamless sleep. No Reid, no beautiful memories played out in my mind, reminding me of him. My phone has been buzzing non-stop nearly everyday, probably Julia trying to get a hold of me. She hadn’t been at the funeral because she was still on vacation, traveling Europe and Asia all summer as a graduation present from her parents. She was due back this week. I’m sure she’s been filled in as to what has happened, and wants to talk to me about it, but I just can’t, not yet. I’m startled by a very loud knock on my bedroom door.

“Hadley! You’ve got to come out of there, please,” I hear Gavin’s loud voice through the door.

What is he doing here? Did my mother call him? I stay quiet…please go away!

“Hadley, come on, I want to talk to you,” he pleads.

Still, I ignore it. I hear some activity outside the door, like someone fiddling with the door handle, and what I think is my mother’s hushed voice. Yes, I have locked my door; I think I’ve made it quite clear that I don’t want to talk to anybody, so get the hint already. Unfortunately, to my horror, my bedroom door swings open and Gavin strides in, I gape at him from underneath my blankets, how dare he just walk in here?

“Gavin! What the hell?” I protest.

Angry tears start filling my eyes at the total lack of respect for my privacy. It only takes him two long strides until he is at my bed, and he sits down, gazing at me with a sad look on his face.

“Hadley, you can’t stay in here forever,” he says softly.

“I can, and I will,” I reply stubbornly, “I just want to be alone.”

He stares at me, seemingly trying to figure out what he can say or do to get me to leave my bedroom.

“What did I say about you eating Had? Your mom says you’ve barely taken anything she’s given you, and as I can see…”

He leans over and glares into my trashcan.

“What you have taken, you aren’t eating. Why?”

“I’m not hungry,” I pout, wiping my face with my arm.

He just shakes his head and stares at the floor for a moment.

“Hadley, this is really unhealthy for you. You need to shower, get dressed, eat some food and get some sunshine. You cannot continue to just lock yourself away in here, expecting us to just leave you alone, it ain’t gonna happen. You have people here that care about you Hadley, we can’t just sit back and watch you waste away,” he lectures me.

I keep my mouth shut, and turn away from him, thinking he’ll give up for now, but I am very wrong.

Suddenly, Gavin pulls my blanket off of me and tosses it aside. I screech at the blast of cool air that wafts over me, thankful that I’m wearing pajamas.

“What the hell Gavin!” I protest, but he ignores me.

He grabs me by my shoulders, pulling me up off the bed. I am absolutely horrified; who does he think he is? I try to jerk away, and in a move that is very childish, I let my legs go limp so that I’m dead weight, but this still does nothing to deter him, he easily keeps me upright. So I straighten my legs out and try to get away from him, jerking away, trying to get him to release my shoulders from his strong grip. Tears stream hot and steadily down my face as he finally releases my arms, and I start hitting him in the chest.

“How dare you Gavin, how dare you!” I scream at him loudly, my dry throat protesting.

He just stands there in front of me, allowing me to hit him, not trying to stop me. It doesn’t even look like I’m causing him any pain at all. The lack of nourishment in my system though, makes itself known, and I can fight him any longer. I drop my arms limply to my sides and stare back at Gavin, his green eyes watching me carefully. He steps forward and wraps his arms around me tightly, holding me to him, and I feel his chest heave, and hear a choked sob escape his throat. I look up at him through my teary eyes and see that he has started crying too.

I realize then that I am not the only one in this room that has lost somebody they love. Gavin has lost his little brother, his family, his blood. Yet, here he is, trying to help me, and I just want to fight and be angry with him for it. I am not the only one in pain. My heart constricts, and I feel so badly for him, that I wrap my arms around his waist and hug him back, feeling him shake from the silent sobs. My tears start anew, and we just stand there in my room for I don’t even know how long, holding each other, trying to release some of the pain that consumes us.

“I’m sorry Gavin,” I say to Gavin as we sit on my bedroom floor, with our backs against the wall, facing my bed.

“Don’t be sorry Hadley. I understand what you are going through. It’s just been really tough at my house too you know? I’ve been trying to be the strong one for my family, and I’ve just kind of been holding it all in,” he admits quietly.

“I’ve been so wrapped up in myself, that it hadn’t even occurred to me how you all must be feeling,” I say, feeling ashamed by my behavior. Gavin shoulder bumps me in a way reminiscent of Reid.

“Hey, really Hadley, don’t feel bad okay? We know you loved Reid just as much as we did, we know you’ve lost just as much. Everyone has his or her own way of coping, and right now this is yours. But Hadley, I really can’t just stand by and let you continue doing this to yourself. You’ve got your mother worried sick, and she didn’t know what to do for you, so she called me. Reid wouldn’t want this for you either.”

I look over at him and he stares intently back at me. I look down at my hands and nod.

“I know. It’s just hard Gavin. I miss him so much that I can’t find the strength to live my life without him in it. I’ve been with him pretty much every day since we met; he was my world, my life. I can’t fathom returning to a daily routine, because he was a large percentage of it. All that time that he filled, what do I do with it now? I don’t want to fill it, I can’t just let him go,” I weep into my hands.

Gavin puts an arm around my shoulder and pulls me into his side.

“We’ll figure it out Hadley. You’re not expected to just return to normal like nothing happened, but we can take small steps forward, and I can help you with that. You’ve got to at least try, don’t just stay hidden away in here.”

He gestures to my room with his hand.

“And also, it kind of smells in here too.”

I am taken aback by his comment and look up at him. Gavin’s nose is scrunched up, and he chuckles lightly. I look in the direction of my trashcan, and now that Gavin has pointed it out, I realize that it does, truly kind of smell in here.

“Oh gross! Oh, I’m so embarrassed,” I moan into my hands, hiding my reddening face.

I feel Gavin shaking with silent laughter.

“Don’t be embarrassed, I’ve smelt worse. But you know, a shower, and maybe a change of clothes might help as well.”

Gavin moves to stand, and offers his hand to me. I look up at him doubtfully, but take his proffered hand, getting to my feet.

“You’re probably right I guess, I’ll try and pull it together,” I admit defeat.

I need to try, for my mom’s sake at least. I hate to think about how worried she must be feeling.

“ Good girl. You go do that, and I am going to wait for you in the living room,” he tells me as he makes his way to the door.

“Why?” I ask.

“Because I told you, I will make you eat. So, once you are cleaned up, you and I are going to go get some fresh air, and some food.”

I open my mouth to decline, but the look on his face tells me that he will not be taking no for an answer.

“Okay Gavin. I’ll just be a few minutes then,” I relent.

Gavin smiles and nods, and then he heads out into the living room to wait for me. The nasty aroma of my food filled trashcan is becoming stronger, now that it has been brought to my attention. I guess living in my own filth for nearly a week made me used to it. I quickly find some clean clothes in the closet, and head to the bathroom.