A voice in the wilderness

New feeling

For someone who wanted to die a while ago I was beyond terrified. I felt like the end has come, I would be wiped from the earth and be forgotten in no time.

At the time I felt like the pain I felt when my mom died, the abuse I have to endure each and every day and the deep feeling of failure I feel everytime I look at my life were all consuming me. And for the first time in my life I just gave in. I am tired. I am tired of always fighting, always trying to prove that I am enough and worthy.

In the midst of that I saw my mom. Her face appeared and she was smiling. Ohh how I loved her beautiful smile. She would always smile even when there was not much to smile about, she smiled even when she was on her death bed. Her dimpled smile would make my day but seeing her lying there weak and helpless devastated me so much that even her smile could not uplift my spirit. I remembered saying to her, after feeding her some broth; Mama, why are you looking at me like that? She just kept looking at me and then gave me her million dollar smile. Her cheeks were not as chubby as they used to be and she had lost some hair, even her complexion was not the same anymore but I did not love her smile any less.

The only difference was that I could not smile back and that is when she said; my baby no matter what life throws at you, always keep your head up high and smile. I became even more heartbroken because she used the word "you" instead of "us". It was always us against the world and now she is just talking about me against it.

And that is exactly what I did, I smiled. I felt myself being freed from the terror I felt at first. I closed my eyes and let go. And for a moment, after a very long time I felt relaxed and at peace. When I was still growing up I would wonder why my dad left us, did he not care about us or me at all and that would make me very sad. Then my mom got ill and died, that just made things worse because I wondered if I was unworthy of love or anything good. I was always in pain, wondering and questioning. But at that particular moment I willed myself to accept whatever it is that is happening and that brought with it a new feeling, one that I have never felt before.