Addiction

19

I watched him as he walked back up the stairs. When he disappeared from view, I let myself out of the frat house. That had gone better than I had ever expected. I actually felt like for the first time ever we were going to be just friends. I took a deep breath. Professor Hunter wasn't going to like that. It didn't matter. We were going to be honest with each other from here on out. And I could honestly say that I was just friends with Tyler.

The autumn sunshine felt good against my face. I crossed Main Street and began to walk toward Professor Hunter's apartment. There was a lot more I wanted to talk to him about. I was exhausted. Part of me wanted to go back to my dorm room and just talk to him tomorrow. But it needed to be now. He needed to know that I was choosing him. There were just some contingencies. I shook my head. Guys hated ultimatums. But I didn't know how else to do it.

I stopped at a bench and sat down. I felt out of breath and my head was pounding. Maybe I should call him and ask him to pick me up. I reached in my pocket and felt the envelope. I looked down at it as I pulled it out of my pocket. I ran my fingers across the top of the envelope. There was a small rip in the center of it. I gulped. This was the envelope that I had seen him with on my birthday. He had looked so distraught that night. And I had convinced myself that it had nothing to do with me. But it had everything to do with me. I pulled the envelope to my chest. Whatever was in here had upset him. Could it be worse than him sleeping with Isabella?

I pulled it back down to my lap and stared at it. In the center of the envelope was my name. Even his handwriting was sexy. It reminded me of the note he had left me in my syllabus. I smiled. I took a deep breath as I opened up the envelope.

I pulled out the contents. On top there were two tickets. They were VIP tickets to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Thanksgiving? Is he asking me to meet his family? I had watched the parade on television every Thanksgiving morning with my parents for as long as I could remember. I always wished I could go.

I quickly unfolded the note beneath the tickets. It was dated October 14th, the day before my birthday. I took a deep breath and read.

Penny,

I woke up late the first morning that classes started. I wouldn't have come into the coffee shop at that moment unless I had forgotten to set my alarm. Who knew that such a small thing could change the rest of my life? You've captivated me from the very start. You're timid, yet bold. You're humorous, yet sincere. You're young, yet wise. You're gorgeous and you don't know it. You're contradictory, and challenging, and passionate. And I love you. I love you with all I am.

These past few weeks have been the hardest of my life. Because you have captivated me, body and soul. I eat, breathe, and dream you. And when you're not beside me, I feel such loss. When I see you in class, I can no longer breathe. When I think about you, I can no longer eat. And only nightmares of losing you accompany me in slumber.

I thought I knew what love was. But I was wrong. The love I have for you is something that I have never known. It is constant and all consuming and it terrifies me. The only thing scarier than realizing what my love for you is, is the fact that I have lost that love.

I wanted to protect you. I didn't want to drag you into my darkness. But I realize that when I am with you, I am not the man I once was. When you look at me, I can feel the way you see me, and I become something better. I want to be the man that you need. And I feel like I can be everything you want.

But you need to know that I have many flaws. And one of them is weakness. When I realized my feelings for you, I left. I left you, and I have never regretted anything so much in my life. Because without you, I am not living. Only with you am I strong. Only with you am I good. Only with you am I whole.

And I am selfish. Because I want you to be with me despite my demons. I want to kiss you every morning when you wake up in my arms. I want to whisper I love you in your ear before we fall asleep at night. I want my days to be consumed by your love. And I want you to love me back even though I am telling you that I am not good for you. Because it is your choice. I tried to stay away from you and I cannot. I am not a good man. But if you choose me I will not push you away again. I will trust your judgment. And every ounce of me hopes that you'll make a mistake and come back to me. Every fiber of my being wants you to make the wrong choice. And if you do, I promise to be the best that I can be for you.

I don't care that you lied to me. I don't care that you only just turned 20. I don't care that you are a student in my class. All I care about is you, Penny. My greatest love.

Tears were streaming down my cheeks. He opened up to me. He finally opened up to me. He had written this before my birthday. He had almost ripped it up that night because he wanted to protect me. But I was so glad that he couldn't stay away. Because I loved him too. I loved him so much. I couldn't seem to stop my tears. I wept for a long time, sitting there in the middle of Main Street.

I went to fold the paper to put it back when I realized there was another sheet behind it. I put the tickets and the note back into the envelope. I wiped my eyes so I could read what was on the last sheet of paper. It was a bunch of legal jargon. I scanned it. New York City Supreme Court. December 29th, 2014. It felt like my heart stopped beating. I looked down at the bottom. James Hunter. His signature was above his printed name. And beside it was Isabella Hunter. There was a blank line above her name. His divorce papers. She hadn't signed them, but he had. Last year, just like he had said. This was the proof that he was done. It was the proof that I needed to trust him. He was getting divorced. I quickly stood up and began walking back to his apartment. I needed to see him. I needed to tell him that I still loved him.

The street began to wobble in front of me. I slowed down and then stopped completely. My vision was blurry. The pain in my head seared. I tried to reach out for something to steady myself but there was nothing there. I gasped for breath. I reached into my pocket for my phone. Oh God.

"James," I mumbled as I fell to the ground.