Two

CHAPTER 2

CHAPTER 2

Glances at the bar The alarm clock rings just like every morning when I have already been awake for at least fifteen minutes, basking in the bed and feeling the first cold of the morning sneaking in under the goose down duvet.

A little moment all for myself in order to think about how the day will go, even if in the last months the first thought is him. It is absurd to think that the first thing I think of is a perfect stranger who though is part of my everyday life. I am so taken by this person that every preparation is focussed on him, trying to understand what he may like and how to catch his eye. At the end of the day this is what I want, to catch the eye of the mysterious man, stalling it all to this first approach hoping that nothing is ever going to go further as it runs the risk of ruining this magic early morning moment. At our café where we see each other every day always at the same hour, I always sit at the same place towards the counter in order to see him properly. He knows that I am there and the first look as soon as he arrives is addressed to me.

I get up, barefoot and with my nightgown to the knees even in wintertime to feel the freshness of the sheets with the warmth of the duvet. Also the pillow, scrupulously perfumed with the fabric softener, must always be fresh. Therefore, until I fall asleep, I twist it as soon as it gets a bit warmer because of the warmth of my body to feel again that refreshing sensation that only coldness can give to my cheeks.

Before taking a shower, I warm my little bathroom, my own private room in which anyone but me enters. My little shelter, treated to the last detail, complete with music in wire broadcasting and shower with

colour therapy. I put my favourite playlist on, I turn the shower on, and I soak into the hot scented water. After a while I am already out, today I chump at the idea of seeing him again after a weekend spent outside Rome.

It's incredible how a simple thing like an eye contact could make my heart beat that fast. It is enough for me and it fills me with so much energy that I flee any next step. In this crazy affair I involved my flatmate Camilla too. We met when I was given a new project of pregnancy counsellors with her, and a great sympathy kicked in right away and quickly thereafter a great friendship too. Both single, we could easily manage to see each other at least once a week in order to go to the cinema or to see some little exhibitions throughout the centre.

She knows so many people that she always has an invitation to some event and we always enjoy it, whatever the style of the evening is.

Yesterday evening I’d already prepared what I would have worn this morning, jeans and a white lace blouse with a light sweater that envelopes my shapes in a firm dark purple. I wouldn’t be able to go to sleep if I had not prepared all the things for the day after. The kitchen must be tidy too, with the latte mug ready on the table, on the blue American-style place mat. It’s a way of not rushing in the morning looking for what I need before going out and also a way to have a perfectly tidy home in every minute of the day. Opening the windows, I notice that the sun is ready to warm this cold day and a smile pops up on my face. The fine winter days always put me in a good mood, the sun recharges me, and I just need to look outside the window to get through the tough moments. After a few minutes I am already on the road ready to catch the bus that takes me to work. I am lucky enough

to live not so far from my working place that I could even walk to it, but today I’m racing to enter the café before he arrives. I also want to catch up with Camilla, who has to tell me the latest news on her ‘boyfriend’ met a little more than a month ago at the gym she always attends during the lunch break. An affair more ordinary than mine and that I hope will be a success. Last Saturday they had their first date and I still need to know all the details about the evening. The happiness for her story is mixed with a bit of jealousy for my friend who I will have to share with the newcomer…

She is already waiting by our usual meeting place and from the smile that warms her face I can immediately tell the evening must have been better than expected. As soon as she sees me, she rushes over me risking falling in a pit on the sidewalk that wraps around her very high heels that she usually wears with great aplomb. In no time I feel myself surrounded by her tight embrace and her blonde and long hair is all over my face. I am imprisoned by her joy and for a moment I feel like I was living her same happiness. When she releases me from her embrace, I can tell she is so excited, her eyes sparkle like never before, and for a moment I felt like I am about to lose her. I blow my miserable thoughts away and I restore my usual cheerfulness to the extent that I grab her by the hand and I quickly make my way towards the café: ‘You must tell me everything!!!’ My friend’s evening has been performed by the book. He picked her up on his flaming motorbike, she got caught up in by the euphoria to rush towards the seaside of Lazio to spend an evening by the sea, in a little seafood restaurant that stays open during wintertime. Definitely romantic, it would have won any woman… Therefore, removed the helmet, a glass

of wine accompanied by a range of seafood delicacies while holding hands during the whole evening and during a stroll by the seaside he finally gave her the long-awaited kiss. So now it seems like they have been together since forever. They spent the day after telling each other their stories and tonight they’re going to meet again, surrounded by the magic moment of first dates. But our Wednesday meeting for our cinema night remains only for the two of us, so I feel more relieved.

While I’m relaxing at the thought that I didn’t lose my adventuring companion, here he comes, more casual than usual. He looks at me and smiles and then makes quickly his way to the counter in order to have his regular chat with the early morning costumers. As usual, there is the nice grandfather who has just left his nieces at school and who is ready to spend the morning around the city free from any commitment.

After a while, it comes the couple always all dressed up to have a coffee before leaving again in a hurry to reach the car parked nearby. It is not missing the girl who studies at university and who needs to take the metro to get to attend her classes, with her boyfriend who works at the supermarket around the corner. And then there’s us, always sitting at the same table that seems to be waiting for us every morning to hear about our new brief stories to tell in fifteen minutes before leaving again for our life. Hearing about Camilla’s new affair made me think about how much did I suffer for my latest affair with Carlo. We were a couple for ten long years and we get to nothing but boredom and distance even if we were always together. The final blow of our relationship has been moving in together and after two boring years we broke up realising that we were better as friends than as lovers.

Therefore, we met really often indeed and the time we spend together

is definitely funnier than it was before.

We got rid of the heaviness of a relationship that wasn’t tailor-made for any of us to discover ourselves under a new light more suitable for the two of us together. The first thing that comes to my mind is that I need to call him as soon as I got to the office in order to tell him about Camilla and her new love. Luckily, we have been smart enough not to be carried away by the events, being able to stop in time.

We even thought about getting married, getting until the choice of the Church to find ourselves in the main aisle, into the silence of this little but massive house of God with the scent of the incense floating into your bones with a stranger by our side. Both of us had this feeling. Ten years together to find ourselves strangers inside a Church, finally realising that we were going on only because of the habit and to simplify our life. All we had to do was looking ourselves in the eyes to burst out laughing and then like two children in tears we ended our story saying goodbye on the stairs where usually you would prefer to be thrown some rice on the wedding dress instead of receiving an embrace that dissolves everything for good. The first night in a now empty home was not easy and for the first time for me a sleepless night had a totally different meaning from the usual one. As I always say, sleeping steals time to life, but that night staying awake without sleeping a wink helped only to come to terms with myself, finding myself alone again but stronger than before. I came to terms with a ten years more mature woman, a baggage on the shoulders made of beautiful things but also of empty and wasted moments, finding myself with a few sand grains between the hands that was gradually vanishing between half-closed fingers. After a first period of solitude sought with

all my strength, here comes Camilla, who was able to bring me back to life… The social one, and in a little time I recovered what I had lost during the years spent with Carlo. In the meantime, he found a girlfriend and he is about to get married and this new affair allowed us to become great friends, abandoning the memories of a relationship built in the wrong way. In this latest period, changing the job, finding new friends, started a series of changes that made me discover myself as a person and not only as Carlo’s fiancé, his addendum.

I changed my haircut, I am more careful about my outfits, and I try to be always cleaned up even if I am going to do the shopping down the street. In other words, I love myself more than ever. I do it for me and now also for that morning look that waits for me in order to start the day together. Then we immediately separate to leave room for the mystery of such a special ‘non-affair’. Between me and my mysterious he it is the opposite. After the first eye contact and the awareness of a mutual interest, it all stopped to ‘nothing has to develop’. It almost seems to me that I am always going through the same day and on one side this gives me a great safety and peace of mind. I know that sooner or later it must stop and maybe it will also disappear the interest in a look that doesn’t lead to anything. But now I don’t want to think about that and I enjoy that something that gives me a thrill that gets me through my day with a smile on my face. Today we are leaving the café more charged than ever and tomorrow is going to be another morning full of tells to hear and of looks to wait for. Our day starts that way, even if all the enthusiasm for the good sunny day ends up in the usual cold and musty counselling centre room that we manage to get after many efforts, to be able to work on our laptops having at least a

chair and a table to lean on. Today is the birthing classes day, so at 9.00 AM the hallway is already crowded with women with gymnastic outfits and marked baby bumps. There are women who caress their belly and other who are looking for a place to sit down and relax after the first backpains. Most of them are handing a bottle of water in one hand and a towel in the other. Many of them already know each other and so there is a whisper made of tips and opinions, who is living more or less the same moments that are going to result in their biggest change, giving birth to a brand-new creature who will reflect them at least partly. Many of them have seen their body change, letting themselves go, while other seem ready to a maternity runaway with the latest fashion clothes and hair and nails always perfectly done. We get always across the room with a bit of distress, almost trying not to disturb the big group of pregnant women ready to listen to the midwifes who are there for them. Finally in our room, we close the door behind us with a sigh of relief, even if with a bit of bitterness and desire of staying in that room one day. It would be nice to have a baby simultaneously in order to face it all together. We hope so, even if it is not the most probable and easy thing of the world. Our office is gloomy and I miss that beam of sun that I left at the entrance. Every season is the same here and except for the great winter cold and the warmth of the summer, we could easily not be able to distinguish which period of the year it is. When we come out at 6.00 PM, it is terrible to enter with the light and then step outside when the dark has already set in. It almost seems like having lost a part of our lives between paperwork and statistics not so useful to our existence. After a while after our arrival, the silence falls on all the counselling centre: as

soon as the class begins, the future mums are completely taken by breathing exercises and birthing gymnastic in the room next to the entrance and in the distance you can overhear the dim voice of Anna, our favourite midwife who leads women in the most beautiful moment of their lives with her soft and gentle voice. Therefore, we can start to turn our laptops on and try to get some work done, as tomorrow there is going to be the meeting with the delegate of all the counselling centres of the area who wants to have all the login information completed with demographic statistics and names of who performed services in the last months. As soon as the laptop is turned on, the image on the desktop leads me inevitably to dream for a few minutes.

Out of the blue, any noise that adorn my life disappear and I only live in my mind with the memories relating to that picture. I took it, any character is on the scene, but I know who is behind the camera and this makes it even more special and unique, with a meaning that will be well-rounded only for me. You can see a beautiful valley almost as endless that its termination blends with the sky at twilight. Red leaves of trees and the meadow that starts to turn golden until that night light that shows the red sun and the moon on one side, which shyly embraces his hours of the day. Anyone, any animal, any noise, but a sense of peace and calmness that only such kind of pictures can give. I still feel my hands on the camera and the look lost in the lens for then going back to the other side and getting lost in the endless nature. The door that suddenly opens brings me brutally back to real life: a new face looks out and for a second we ask ourselves who could it be, until we discern a conspicuous belly and we understand that it was a straggler who entered the wrong room. I accompany her and I take the

opportunity to get some fresh air (I don’t know why, but today it feels like I can’t breathe) and to call Carlo, since in our room there’s no signal and make a call becomes an unedifying undertaking. A few minutes and I go back to the room, I want to have the job done to avoid being trapped here until late.