Finally (A Law Enforcement Romance)

Chapter 10

My chest ached at the panic that was in Jodi’s eyes when she woke up. It had taken her nearly a full minute to come out of her nightmare.

I heard her wracked with sobs in the bathroom and the sound of her falling and sitting against the door. I put my underwear on, walked over and knocked lightly. “Jodi?” I tried the door but it was locked. “Jodi, please. Are you okay?” I wasn’t going to ask her to let me in. I didn’t want to pressure her.

Nothing. Did she have a nightmare about work? Did she have these nightmares often? I had experienced it, too, and could see the same look in her eyes as I had. I pushed the questions away and sat down with my back against the door. I imagined the door slowly disappearing and allowing me to pull her over and hold her. Ok, here goes nothing.

“I used to get nightmares, especially about a case I did many years ago. It was one of my first and I hadn’t really experienced anything more than pulling my gun on somebody. I was given the lead on a guy that had been terrorising people around town, dragging them into his car then driving around for hours, dropping them off in remote locations, s**t like that.”

The crying had softened a bit, and I heard no movement, so I continued. “One day one of the victims called me and said that she thinks he’s been following her again. I asked her to come to the station but she refused. She wanted me to come to her apartment to check for any signs of a break-in.” The images started coming in again, but I suppressed them and pushed forward.

“I got there and heard screaming. I busted the door down, my gun drawn and she stood screaming at her bedroom door, she was holding a shotgun. I tried to get her to put it down but she refused. I couldn’t go into the room knowing she was pointing a gun there and she was hysterical.

“I called out but no one responded. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to call for backup or not. Anyway, after going back and forth between her and the closed door, I realised that there was no one else in the apartment. Turns out she suffered from paranoid schizophrenia and she was so traumatised by what this fucker did to her that she was hallucinating. It was so fast but she suddenly pulled the gun on herself and...”

I couldn’t bring myself to finish, the scene still fresh in my mind. I had dealt with suicides again but it was still the worst I had ever seen.

I heard her move and the door unlocked. I stood up quickly as Jodi opened and stepped out, her eyes red and puffy.

She came up to me and hugged me tightly. I could feel her tears falling down my chest. I wrapped my arms around her, trying to stop her shaking.

“I’m so sorry, Gabe. That must have been terrible.”

She pulled back and brushed my cheek with the back of her hand. “Why that story specifically?”

“Nightmares are completely normal, Jodi, especially in our industry. We see the evil side of humanity, the destruction and heartbreak it can cause.”

“How did you know-“

“I just had a feeling. I saw you with this child pornography case; I saw the anger, the sadness. I could see when you hadn’t gotten any sleep. I know the feeling all too well.”

She looked down to the ground and loosened her grip on me. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“Don’t you dare apologise.” I tilted her chin to look at me. The uncertainty in her eyes made my chest ache all over again. God, this whole scenario, recalling those events, wanting to hold Jodi and chase all her nightmares away was stirring up so many mixed feelings.

Her expression softened and she kissed me. There was so much passion, so much emotion. It felt like my turn to panic was approaching. I gently took her shoulders and put some space between us.

“It’s not necessary to get worked up over these things.” She furrowed her brows and stepped back.

She got dressed in a pair of tracksuit pants and a hoodie and started for the kitchen. “Do you want coffee?” Just like that, it’s as if she hadn’t been crying at all ten minutes ago.

“Um, sure, thanks.” I followed her cautiously. I had upset her. Dammit.

“Jodi, I just meant...” I stuttered. I couldn’t justify what I had said. I hadn’t meant it to sound like I was invalidating her but at the same time, I was pushing her away because I was a coward in the face of all the emotions suddenly surrounding me. The heat in her eyes increased, but it was with anger this time. She poured two cups of coffee and roughly placed one down in front of me so that some of the liquid spilt.

“Don’t, Gabe. I know. Dealing with your emotions isn’t exactly something you’re familiar with. That doesn’t mean you have the right to invalidate others,” she spat out.

I felt my own anger rise in my chest. “I am not invalidating anything. I just meant that you shouldn’t let it have that power over you. And don’t accuse me of not having any feelings. You have no idea who I am or any of my business. You’re not exactly one to be open with your feelings, either.” My bitterness matched hers. This was heading in a bad direction but the panic just kept rising and bursting through.

“Because you never talk about anything that involves the slightest bit of feeling! Any time we talk, the moment it goes below the surface, you put your mask on and retreat into the little wall you’ve built around yourself.”

“I just told you one of my biggest secrets! No one knows about my own nightmares, or how scared I get when I have to go into the field. How terrified I am that one day I’ll go out and never come back.”

“And I appreciate that Gabe, but that doesn’t explain what your problem is with showing emotion or God forbid, feeling it. It doesn’t explain you always being so aloof and off with me. First, you have your hand down my pants then you’re acting as if you want nothing to do with me. Do you have a problem with committing to somebody? Is that too much feeling for you?” Jodi’s bitterness coated all her words and it felt like a knife had been twisted in my gut.

How f*****g dare, she?

She put her unfinished coffee in the sink and leaned against it.

I stood up and approached her, now furious. “I don’t have a f*****g problem with commitment.” I slammed my fist on the counter next to her, causing her to jump. “I have a problem with having the same fate as my parents. One day my mom left and never came home, killed in the line of duty at some botched robbery. My dad to this day has not recovered.”

Jodi had tears falling again. She was shaking and looked scared. Frightened. My sudden reaction scared her. She was scared of me. I was fuming, though. It wasn’t good for me to be here right now. A tragic silence hung between us.

“f**k this.” I briskly walked to her room and got my clothes. This is what happened when emotions got in the way. This is exactly why I avoided them. Once I was dressed I walked to the door and looked at her. She hadn’t moved from the sink.

“Obviously this won’t work, Jodi. I can’t do relationships because there’s always something about my past that gets in the way.”

She looked over and had an expression I couldn’t quite place. “You can’t do relationships because you let your past get in the way.”

Jodi was right. However, something bothered me, too. “You ran from me when I opened up to you and was willing to help. I may not be good with expressing my emotions but you constantly hide yours.”

She looked defeated. We were both wrong, here, neither one of us willing to admit it. I ran a hand over my face and opened the door.

“See you on Monday, Detective.”

I drove home with a heavyweight on my chest. f**k feelings.