But is it a Miracle?

Chapter 9-I Need to be In Charge of Me

Marigold POV

I could swear this cat understood every word I said, and every emotion I was going through. It was eerie, but didn't bother me at all. Little Jin resettled and waited for me to continue, his tail curling around his legs as if it had a mind of its own. He began to purr, as if encouraging me. He would keep my confidence.

"I met my ex, Colton, at this massive graduation party. He was two years older, an architect. Why he was there, I still don't know, honestly. I had thought maybe he was scouting for a naive woman, but given how much he seemed to dislike me, that seems not to fit the situation. Anyway, he love-bombed me into marrying him after just a month of dating, insisting that I stay home and not work. He said it was because he wanted to take care of me, but looking back, I think that was just a line." My tone wasn't very confident, but Little Jin chirped.

Keep going, it's okay, he seemed to be saying.

"He... wanted me to have s*x before marriage and I said no, which made him extremely angry. I think I should have known just from that something was wrong, but given that my family didn't want anything to do with me, his attention seemed like a beacon of hope. He was..." I swallowed. Why it was so hard to tell this cat about this part, I wasn't sure. It just felt wrong. Like it would hurt him, somehow. "He was my first and only until just before you came to my home."

He didn't deserve such a gift, Little Jin seemed to growl, but I knew it was directed at Colton.

"Every day, I kept the house spotless and cooked exactly to his taste or he exploded, even if he never came home that night. His dinner was to be wrapped and placed in the fridge so that he could check it later. At least three nights a week he was out overnight. He said he was working on projects, but now I know he was with his mistresses... Which still leaves the mystery of why he married me to begin with. Once the ring was on my finger, the man that wooed me was gone, replaced by an extension of my family, apparently."

I'm glad that's over, the sleek black cat, my sole comfort at the moment, seemed to say as he rubbed himself on my hand.

"I was so mentally and emotionally beat down that I was practically a recluse in our home. I had no job, no friends, nothing. Everything was provided by him and under his control. He would occasionally grab and shake me, but stopped himself from actually hitting me several times, saying I wasn't worth even his anger. I can't say I was shocked when he gave me divorce papers, telling me he was leaving me for his pregnant mistress, ten years younger and in his words, more attractive than I could ever hope to be."

At this, Little Jin hissed, and paced a little before nosing my arm and plopping in my lap. He is wrong, I'm certain, was the message. Too bad so many seem to agree with them all. I sighed, stroking him yet again.

"Obviously, he got everything. I suppose given that he'd forced me to stay home, had I been able to afford a good lawyer, I could have gotten at least a little spousal support, but no. I'm grateful now that he refused to try for children, even if it means at this point I will never have any. He never let me freeze my eggs, and I'm afraid I'm just too old. That might be the hardest part. I really want to be a mother." Tears slid down my cheeks yet again, as I mourned the fact, finally.

I had been afraid to face it, that my chance at having a baby was over. I was not averse to adoption, but I think most women have this part of themselves that really wants to genetically have their own babies. Part of how we are made as humans, I suppose. Little Jin placed a paw on my toned belly over my womb, and purred. I sighed, appreciating his attempt to soothe me.

For all that my family and ex called me fat, I had always been health-conscious, ate well and exercised, keeping my body quite fit. According to the doctor, anyway. It was just hard to accept when everyone around me seemed so very certain.

"No Little Jin, it's far too late, I'm afraid. Maybe that's part of why I didn't accept Jin-Yeon's offer. He's so young, you know? Probably wants a family, and I can't offer that." I sighed and flopped onto my back. "I miss him so much, Little Jin. How can that be? I just met him last night. As amazing as he is, it's too soon to be this attached, right?"

Little Jin pounced on my chest, his front paws just above my breasts, his back legs on my hip bones. He was quite a large cat. His golden eyes stared into mine as he chirped at me, as if he wanted to let me know something very important. His nose touched mine gently, and I had the strongest feeling come over me of comfort and love.

You will be fine, you are not wrong to love him, you can trust him, he seemed to be saying. I ran my fingers through his silky fur, which strangely reminded me of Jin-Yeon. I'd really love to be able to put my faith in that, but I was still hesitant.

There was a girl at work, Kerry. Her boss was the CFO, so we worked in the same set of offices. The CEO, CFO, and COO were all on the top floor. She was probably the closest thing to a friend I had, since we talked at lunch, but it was not really all that personal. The PA for the COO, Jessica, often asked us to go out with a group of PAs. She was cheerful and friendly, unlike us.

I was worried about Kerry, though, because she reminded me of myself. No matter what we asked, she said she had to run it by her husband. Whether ordering food, getting a soda, or going anywhere at all, even contributing to potlucks... She could do nothing without his permission. When I asked her gently about it, she said he was staying home to take care of their school-aged children, but ran the budget tightly and was difficult to be around if unhappy.

Yup. Sounded familiar, except that he was using her as a cash cow.

She said he had worked before, but when child care costs went up he had started to stay home, since it cost one of their full salaries monthly just for the childcare alone. Might as well leave it to their father. It was not her idea, that was clear, but she was trying to convince herself, just like I did, that he was being considerate and family-oriented. That he told her since she was working, he'd take care of everything else.

However, I had noticed her mention he got mad when she didn't do things around the house, despite bringing in the only paycheck and working 60+ hours a week. She also casually dropped that he was unsatisfied and had to remind her daily when he dropped her off that he felt she didn't make enough money, and he was tired of always not having enough money.

The obvious solution, since the kids were now older, thirteen and eight, was for him to maybe, I don't know, get a part-time job or something.

I did not want to find myself doing this too, all over again.

It was clear that Jin-Yeon was a dominant man, though I'd never felt scared, or as if he would not respect what I wanted. I knew instinctively that he would... I just didn't want to lose myself in another man. And I wasn't at all certain that I could keep myself from doing it all over again. I wanted to please him. Almost at the sacrifice of my own desires, and that was where it got unhealthy.

If I felt more confident that I could get myself out of that mindset, than maybe...

I stroked Little Jin, making him purr even louder. He enjoyed my caresses so very much. It was an immensely healing feeling. So simple. It was no heavy task to pet him, after all. That's it. If I can get myself to a place where I feel confident in choosing my own well-being, I will give Jin-Yeon a chance. Until then, no matter how good or bad he is, I can't trust myself to be healthy. I fiddled with Little Jin's ears as his purring deepened, almost to a growl of sorts.

"Little Jin, I need your help with something. I would like for you to consider this your home, but I won't make you stay inside or hold you here." I got up and walked to the small window over my kitchen sink. Big enough for a cat, but not for much else to fit through, I slid it open. "Just please don't spray inside, okay?" He hopped up on the counter and nudged my shoulder, indicating he understood. "Do you need special food or anything?" He stared at me.

I can eat what you do, he seemed to be saying.

"Alright, fine. So... your namesake, Jin-Yeon... I want to accept him, but I need to fix myself first." He tilted his head for a moment.

Whatever you need. He chirped in response.

"I need to stop letting other people control my emotions and actions. I need to be stronger. Right now, all I can think about is how I need to be and what I need to do to please him. It's not healthy. Gosh I must be crazy for taking this whole... conversation... seriously, but I just feel like it's right." He rubbed on my arm again as I leaned on the counter, showing he was totally fine with it. I giggled, which made him purr as his golden eyes landed on mine. He jumped down, then kept looking over his shoulder at me as he walked back to my bed, flicking his tail in a come-hither way.

I smirked, following the rather bossy feline. Had me following him with hardly any effort. Luckily for him, I didn't mind a bit. I laid down, and he snuggled up against my abdomen, purring like a motor. I had put on the same baking show as earlier, but all too soon between Little Jin's purring and my emotional exhaustion, I passed out, hard. I dreamt of Jin and our night together, reliving every sensuous and scintillating moment. It almost felt real.

I awoke to the sound of Little Jin meowing insistently. He stood on my chest, looking down at me. He rubbed noses with me yet again, and jumped off the bed, looking over his shoulder to make sure I was watching, before leaping onto the counter and making his way out the little window, with one last glance and meow.

I'll be back soon, he seemed to say.

"See you later, Little Jin." I called as he dashed off, probably using the fire escape. I immediately felt lonely. My shiver was not just from the now open window. I was not closing it, though. This is why my throw blanket was an electric one. I could not afford to use the heat as much as would have been comfortable. This studio was costing me $1200 a month, nearly half of my income, leaving me $1400 monthly to pay my bills.

I managed to make it work, but it was tight.

I settled in to wait.