Sweet His

chapter one

“Harder than any rock,

My shell,

Barely crumbles.”

July, Summer of 2018

I drive the car from a speed of forty to seventy-five miles per hour. It was something I’ve been wanting to do for months now, ever since I got my driver’s license. I just wanted to test out how it really feels. I just want to scare myself a little, too. Maybe if I do this, I can finally change my perspective of existence by being on the edge of death. But instead of being scared, for some reason, I feel more liberating. It’s like I can do anything. It’s not really something near dangerous, though. I’m on a highway with only a few cars around, but I am over the speed limit. That must count as something, right?

I just feel a little scared and nervous. But still, I wasn’t. 

I’m nearing the border now, and I’m still not going any slower. I’m crazy, but I don’t feel wrong. Should I crash myself, then? Maybe it would make me feel something. I don’t know anymore…

I just want to escape this reality. I just want to feel more like myself again. Who am I, really? What am I doing? Why am I doing this?

Why can’t I feel anything but anxiety? I just don’t want to keep pretending I’m this person when in fact, I’m like this.

And only, if not because of him… If not because of that kiss.

His kiss…

No. I want to forget it. I don’t ever want to think it happened at all. It never existed.

Did it even really happen? Or was it just a mistaken reality? Maybe, it was really just a dream and I’ve been just fooling myself all this time.

But why? Why does every time he appears in front of me, I would find myself looking back to that memory that seems so wrong yet felt so right?

I want to forget him. I want to forget myself. I want someone else’s life. I want a different identity. I don’t want to do this anymore.

Stop.

As if on cue, my feet voluntarily release the gas pedal. Immediately, my car finally slows down back to fifty… then forty… until I find myself pulling over to the side of the road and stopping. A car honked behind me. I only ignored it. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a second.

What the hell am I doing?

My phone vibrates on the dashboard, the caller ID shows his name. My heart stopped and I could hear the ring of my conscience. Should I answer it?

I’m scared. Whoa. Now, it seems like I finally felt something. And it was because of him. Why do things in my life always have to be about him? I felt irritated by even realizing it. And because I just want to prove something to myself, I immediately man up and answered on the third ring.

“David,” I say, trying to sound calm when I said his name, but my voice almost hitches. Then after a few seconds, as I hear his breathing hum from the other end, he finally speaks up.

“Timmy… please,” his deep voice sounded hoarse, “Can I see you now?”

I closed my eyes again. I counted to three… Just to make myself stop.

But I just don’t know. ‘Cause as soon as our call ended, I found myself driving to where he was. Like the fool I was.

I don’t know. But maybe, I’m really just that stupid. 

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Present, 2021

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DAVID

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I HAVE BIG DREAMS for myself. Big dreams of success... A florid kind of success that will drown me in rapturous pleasure and intoxicating satisfaction that no one will ever understand but for me.

"Give me hot as hell!"

The loud squealing voice of the photographer spouting demands from where she stood a couple of meters away from me, had my entire nerves rolling into an automatic flowing motion. 

I have big dreams...

I instinctively put my hands on my partner's waist without even trying to ask, pulling her closer to my body. She tensed under my touch, meeting my intense stare directed on her face. But she soon recovered and tried to level her eyes at me, our heated gaze clashed in a stimulating tension. 

"Yes, that's it! Give me more intensity! More desire!"

My beautiful partner eventually succumbed to the orders of our photographer as she openly put her soft hands on top of my shoulders, letting her smooth fingers ran from the side of my neck down to my clavicle. I partially opened my mouth as a response, feeling the sudden chill of her touch spreading warmth all the way down my spine. I gripped the sides of her hips, holding her closer, and our chest touched. Then I leaned my face down to hers, attempting a more provocative pose but she nervously took a step back and hesitated. I could even see the slight reddening of her cheeks.

I smirked at her reaction. And it made me feel more daring. 

"That's so on point, David! Make her submit to you!"

"You're clever, huh?" I heard my partner muttering to me under her breath. But I ignored her and chose to focus more on the angles of my poses. She soon let her hands roam down to the sides of my body and up to the skin on my back. Her sharp nails dug and left a scratching trail against the smoothness of my skin and the mere sensation earned a hissing sound of arousal from me.

Feeling thrilled with the sudden challenge she started, I tried teasing her back by slowly inching my lips just above her nose. And at the moment it touched her, her pupils dilated with excitement and I flitted my eyes down to her plump lips. I could not help but feel the innate masculine desire springing out of me. It must have been caused by her skin rubbing against my stomach and the way her hands danced all over my chest and back. And as I let myself be devoured by this overwhelming power of attraction while being in front of the camera, I began to feel like a completely different person in front of these people.

"Hotter than that! Closer! More sensual!"

I could feel an indistinctive joy seeping into my nerves, out of my skin, and it's letting me lose myself under the blinding lights flashing at me. It's so... exhilarating.

"Magnificent! Kiss her neck, David! That's so good! Look at my lens! Just like that!"

'Keep the compliments coming', I mentally said in my head. I let myself play along to the incessant commands the photographer kept shouting at us and further risked a chance to give her what she wanted. And soon, I heard my partner's breath hitching when I made an attempt to bite her on the side of her neck. Yet she still leaned her back more to give me better access. I smirked again and took advantage of her passive response, then I slowly pulled my head back to stare at her eyes.

"One last pose and we're good!" I heard the photographer demanded.

My eyes remained connected to my partner's. And it's like we're almost having a conversation. With the way she looked suggestively at me, I could clearly read what she was trying to say. Before I knew it, I was already leaning closer, our noses touching. Then, I'm slowly closing my lips on hers.

"Perfect! That's it! Kiss her!"

I felt the tug of her teeth as it gently bit the seams of my lips and my mouth reflexively opened at the sensation. The reaction promptly gave her a chance to put her tongue in, invading me and tasting the nicotine inside. Then I eventually let myself go... I let my brain shut for a few seconds. But even though I did, I could still hear the subconscious voice inside my brain warning me...

Stop it.

What are you doing, David?

I have big dreams.

Colin will get mad.

Big dreams of success...

You're letting her put that tongue inside you?

Big... dreams...

Yuck.

"And that's it! That's a wrap! Thank you, beautiful people!"

The sound of whistles and hands clapping in the background had me instantly pulling away from that pretentious kiss. It was like waking up from a druggy reverie that had consumed me so much, and I was finally turned back to my old self. My partner took time to open her eyes though, and I could still see the lust drawn all over her face as she looked at me with deep longing. I reluctantly smiled down at her, feeling momentarily lost in the situation. Then I cautiously took a step back just to keep things civilized between us. 

"Just what I wanted, Breslin," I heard Annalise, our photographer, telling me this from a distance and I quickly turned to look at her, ignoring my partner. She pulled me into a big hug and landed a pat on my back. "Still no disappointment. You always surprise me, honey."

"Thank you," I said with a smile. 

"And you, Tanya. Gosh, my golden star!" She then turned to look at my famous partner standing next to me and gave her a bigger grin, "The kiss was honestly a stellar act! You gave me so many exceptional shots. I swear, I'm really gonna have fun printing out my negatives after this."

"Really? Well, it won't just be me in those pictures, will it? Tell that to my partner," Tanya said in that seductive husky voice of hers, but she kept her emerald eyes glued to me while giving Annalise her response, "Your new hot guy is definitely one of a kind, Lis. Can I have him?"

I froze and instantly felt a nauseating chill run all over my body upon hearing her flippant remark. That's just a joke, right? I tried to ignore Tanya's serious gaze at me as Annalise only laughed at her words, oblivious of that intonation in her model's voice that seemed to strike something more. 

Annalise returned her gaze to my face and spoke again, "One reason for me to keep you, Davey. You would not believe it. But once people like Tanya start chasing you around, next thing you know... Your face will be all up on the covers of high-end magazines in the industry."

Her words had me imagining cameras all around me, and I instantly grinned at the thought. Not so bad, though. Yet, still could be dangerously tempting.

"But of course, we'll need to work more for that," Annalise added, "And you'll gonna be my best Madonna experiment."

I found myself blindly holding on to that promise as I excused my presence from them and leave. I went straight back to the dressing room in a haste, trying to calm myself. As soon as I closed the door behind me, I searched the top of the vanity table filled with makeup and perfumes for some tissue. I then found a box of it inside the top drawer and quickly pulled a few sheets to rub my lips so hard. The disgust finally hit me. I can still taste the cherry-flavored lip gloss inside my mouth and I took a mental note of brushing my teeth before going home so it won't leave any remnants inside me.

Yuck.

So much for making an impression on those people. If only I didn't have to do this. But I have to.

I looked at the beautiful face staring back at me in vain empathy, from the mirror, and instantly felt an enormous distaste for what I just did. 

"You're horrible," I irritatingly said to my reflection, still rubbing my lips with apparent revulsion. Yet not long after, I spoke again. 

"But you f*****g killed it."

As soon as these honest words left my lips, a smile slowly crept up across my face. Laughter came bubbling out of my mouth bringing me to a hazy euphoria. I could still feel the heat of the lights flashing on me; hear the sound of every click while the camera zoomed in on my beauty. I closed my eyes and held that blissful feeling for a bit longer.

I can't believe I'm finally doing this. 

"You're gonna be famous," I told myself. Like a chant, I played my words over and over inside my head. Like a broken cassette tape. I let it sink in me.

You're gonna be famous. That's right... And I'm gonna LOVE it.