Her Protector

Not So Perfect After All

I've been here six weeks now and it's been pretty great. Joseph is a little strict but mostly nice. Our days are mostly free while he's at work but he insists we have dinner together as a family every night, even Johnathan. Curfew is six pm which gives us an hour to clean up and get ready. That's not a problem for me since I don't have any friends yet I don't really go anywhere. Not that there's a lot to do in this small town. The few kids who do stick around for the summer spend most of their time in the city. I guess some of Johnathans friends could be considered mine to, they're all nice to me when he let's me tag along, but that's mostly only when they're hanging out around the pool. I can't go out with them, mother says I'm to young. So I mostly stick around the house or go on shopping trips with her.

Tonight at dinner Joseph announced he'll be going on a trip for work. The company he works for is expanding and opening a new factory in Lousiana. They mostly make medical equipment and as the president he has to be there to oversee that all the pieces fall into the right place. He'll be gone all week apparently. I just smile and tell him to have a safe trip. Mother doesn't look happy, she's got on the smile that I know is her fake one and her hazel eyes have clouded and become darker. She's mad and she's glaring at me. Uh oh. I rack my brain trying to figure out what I've done wrong but nothing comes to mind. I know what's to come but I don't know why. I set my fork down next to my barely touched plate of spaghetti "I'm not feeling very well today, may I be excused" I ask Joseph and he agrees. I look around telling everyone goodnight, mother is fuming but only I can see it in her eyes, she still has that plastic smile as she says "go lay down baby I'll bring you some tylenol after dinner" My eyes flit to Johnathan, is that worry I see in his eyes? I must be imagining things.

An hour later I'm laying in my room staring at the ceiling. I'm not tired and I actually feel fine but I know that look, mother is gonna snap soon, I can feel it. As if on cue she walks through my door, mother never knocks. "I brought you some tylenol dear, how are you feeling" she says. I wonder why she's still smiling like that and see that Joseph is behind her, that explains it "I'm fine mother, just a slight headache, I think maybe I overexerted myself today" I lie. Joseph comes to feel my head "no fever" he says, "just get some rest sweetheart" and he kisses my forehead before leaving the room. We've actually got a pretty good relationship, he's been good to me since I arrived. As soon as he exits I feel a pinch on my side and flinch from the pain. A small whimper leaves my lips as I ask "what have I done mother" I refuse to cry. Gone is her plastic smile replaced with the evil smirk only I know. "You know damn well what you're doing" she hisses at me. "I don't understand mother, I'm following the rules, I know my place" I reply as she twists a little harder. Cry or fight back, that's what she wants. so she can play victim and tell everybody that I'm being unruly again. I'm the bad one, I'll always be the bad one. "He's my husband" she replies and I look back at her pure confusion on my face. She looks back at me indifferent and says "Your flirting will never work, he's not interested in an ugly, pudgy little girl like you" I can feel the tears welling up but they don't fall, I somehow manage to hold them back. I've never looked at Joseph like that and don't understand why she's thinking this but I must have done something without realizing it. "I'm sorry mother" I choke out "I didn't mean to, I will try better". Finally she releases her pinch, there's definitely going to be a bruise. The plastic smile returns as she goes to leave the room "sleep well doll, hopefully you feel better in the morning" she says sweetly as she closes the door. So fake. I hate her, but I also love her. She's my mom.

I remove the tank top I'm wearing and look at myself in the standing mirror beside my dresser. A small bruise is already appearing on my side. I check myself out head to toe, I really don't think I'm all that ugly so why does she keep saying it? I have a few freckles across my nose, dad calls them angel kisses. I wave my arms out at my sides to see how much they flap, hunch over slightly to see how many rolls appear, and squeeze my thighs to check the flabbiness. I guess I've been indulging in the delicious dinners a bit much. I step on the scale to check, ninety eight pounds, I've gained three. I want to cry and I can't, my breathing is getting heavy and now I really do feel a headache coming. I lock my bedroom door and turn to pull out the bottom drawer of my dresser reaching behind the back panel to grab my treasure box. As I head outside to my balcony I'm aware I'm still in just my bra and pj shorts but I don't care I need air and I need this. I open the box to reveal my kit, the one and only thing in life I have complete control over. I lower my shorts just enough to reveal my hip and look for a spot not already scarred, grab the razor, and cut letting out a breathe I didn't realize I was holding and finally the tears silently fall. Something moves and I strain to see out into the darkness. I could swear there was a shadow but now nothing. I want to watch a little longer but I can feel the blood starting to drip down so I grab the antiseptic out of my box and fresh gauze to tape it up. As I turn to go back into room the guest house lights come on. Was Johnathan the shadow? Did he see me? Does he know my secret?