Love n' Dear

Chapter 1: Choices

Faith Louisse

In life there is no villain. There are only choices that people are stuck on and these choices will result to events that everyone is needed to face and embrace. All are trying to be responsible enough dealing with the consequences of life because life is a matter choice. It's your choice to be happy or sad and a choice to find someone you love and let them go. Everything is choices.

I was ten years old when I learned how my mom had already five children with different father. I witness how she faced every choice she made and I understand everything. Because all that jerk choose to cheat not until my mom was left with a choice of going and running away and to bury the past and act like everything didn't happen. And I'm with her, I chose her over everything.

"What?" inis kong pagtatanong sa paulit-ulit na pagkatok sa pinto. I was in the momentum if I'll upload some of my pictures yesterday or not, then here come an annoying sound of my door, na para bang may malaking problemang nagaganap.

"Ma'am, y-your father is here," the bodyguard said, stuttering, probably nervous that he will be fired because that's my stepfather. Hindi ko alam pero magulo kausap ang asawa ng mama ko. He is not consistent at all. He keeps changing his mind from our bodyguard, chef, maid even his car and such. I don't even want to talk about that. I was just afraid his heart for my mom will change too because I'm tired dealing with another heartaches and pains.

Love is really tiring. You meet people then exchange information about each other, knowing, and liking what is it about them, and eventually fall in love then break up for some misunderstanding. That's tiring!

Halos maihagis ko ang cellphone sa narinig. "You should've told me sooner. Tell them I'm doing my business." Nagmadali akong nagpalit ng suot kong malaking t-shirt at short sa isang kulay puting bodycon dress na lagpas hanggang tuhod ko. Kailangan kong maging presentable sa harapan nila.

Akala ko pa naman hindi sila maghahapunan dito dahil galing na sila sa isang magarbong handaan. Buti na lang may pasok ako dahil kung hindi, bitbit rin nila ako at ipapangalandakan na naman na parang isang bagay sa mga tao.

"Ma'am?" he called me again.

"A minute,” I said, putting some make up. Hindi ako pwedeng haggard at maging pangit sa harapan nila. Tamang powder at lipstick lang ang nilagay ko sa mukha at mabilis na sinuklayan ang malambot na buhok. Itinaboy ko agad ang tsinelas na suot at pinalitan ng mataas na heels.

"But your father is already calling for you."

Umikot pa ako ng isang beses sa malaking salamin bago buksan ang pinto at makita kung gaano kabado ang bodyguard ko.

"I'm done." I sweetly smiled and walk slowly in our glass stairs, acting demure and sophisticated. This is me; I was trained for four years to be with this.

"What you've been doing lately, Louisse?" Wala man lang pakundangang salubong sa akin ni mama. Hinalikan ko muna ang pisnge niya bago nagbeso-beso sa stepdad ko, matapos ay naupo sa silyang nakalaan para sa akin.

Ano bang pwede kong pagka-abalahan? And as far as I know, hindi ko pa naman sila napapahiya. They should be proud of me, dahil hindi ko pa nadudungisan ang pangalan nila.

"I'm busy studying." I want to add what more can I do if I have some bodyguards on me na laging nakabuntot sa akin and I never disobey their rules.

"We can get good news in your finals?" pagtatanong ng asawa ni Mama. The perks of being rich stops the moment your parents expect something for you. They think you can, however it is not. I just want to suggest that go buy my grades so I will never be pressured but I know it is not right. He is rich but he is good.

Pilit akong ngumiti at hindi na lamang sumagot. Mabuti na lang at saktong dumating ang mga anak niya at napunta roon ang atensiyon niya. Pinagalitan ang mga itong walang galang at respeto dahil sa late sila dumating at hindi bumati kay Mama.

I just shrugged my shoulder and we start to dig in and enjoy the food. It is really satisfying and comforting eating the food my mom made. I can only taste this once in a week and only on Sunday because my mom's husband is rich, so we tend to eat outside or hire some chief. He says that money works for him, and he needs to enjoy spending it otherwise, who will? And I want to say of course he can spend it by donating and he replied that he owns a charity.

"Would you mind if I ask what course will you take?" Ako na naman? Akala ko ba tapos na sa akin. I slowly chew the meat. I didn't utter any word since the etiquette, to never talk when your mouth is full and they waited patiently.

"I would be happy to hear from you being a lawyer or doctor,” Uncle added, eyes and fingers on his laptop. I don’t know, probably his business again. Ganyan naman siya lagi, gustong sabay kumain pero sa iba ang atensiyon. But what? No way! I won't be any of those two. I have dream, no one will dictate what course I'll take. I acted fine and drink the water.

"I'll make a great and warmth food,” I replied, raising my glass through the air so the maid can refill it. Sa sobrang kaba ko, naubos ko ang isang basong tubig dahil sa suhestiyon niya.

He looks startled, sumilip pa siya sa akin bago ibinalik ang tingin sa bukas na laptop. "You mean a Chef?"

Bago pa ako makapagsalita, si Mama na ang sumagot. "Louisse wanted to be a housewife, who can make a great food for her husband. Don't take it seriously, Hon."

I forced a smile and continue savoring the food. I may lose an appetite, but these foods are rare moment in a week so I need to be stronger. The journey to achieve my dream will never be easy. Ramdam na ramdam ko pa ang pandidilat ng mata ni Mama, na halos ipagsigawang mag-behave ako. Behave naman ako! Siya lang itong oa. I can handle myself.

Laking pasasalamat ko na lang at hindi na muli sa akin napunta ang usapan, dahil hindi ko na kayang sumagot pa ayon sa gusto nilang marinig.

I washed myself and change my clothes to a comfortable one. Binuksan ko ang bag ko at hinanap ang test paper ko. It was crumpled because I don't want my score. Pasado naman ako, iyon nga lang ang dami ko pa ring mali. And I know I will start saving up for my tuition because I doubt, I'll bag the first rank.

Screw good news! Why can't it be no news is a good news? Why it should it be an ace? Top 1? Because I did everything I could. I exerted additional effort and I did coping up with their expectations. I even take the strand they want from me, yet they still want me to take they preferred course in college. I would really fight for my dream. I want to be a chef, like my dad, my real dad, my biological father.

"Sweetheart?" Mom called me, knocking on my door.

"Give me a minute,” sagot ko habang naglalakad papalapit sa pinto so I can welcome my Mom inside my room. Bumungad sa akin ang Mama kong nakasuot ng paborito niyang itim na night dress. I smiled and open the door widely for her. I went back to my study table, and grab my test paper. May choice naman ako, and I choose to be transparent. If anyone in this world can be a diary, it would be my mom. She's my forever human diary.

"I don't think there’s a good news." I handed her my test paper and examine how she'll react but she seems busy checking for the paper.

Hindi ba siya galit?

"You did great!” she exclaimed, still looking at the papers. I look at her, disbelief. What did she say? Tama ba narinig ko? Hindi s’ya disapppointed kasi di ako magiging top 1? But she just nods and gives me her thumbs up. I genuinely smile and hug her tightly. My eyes started to get blurry.

"Time really flies so fast, yesterday you're just a bed-wetter—"

"Mom!" I shouted, trying to stop her for reminiscing the past. Kasi tapos na. Hindi naman na ako umiihi sa kama ngayon. She laughed and I feel her grip tighten. "I know you want to be a Chef."

"Can I not be?" I’m not sure what she’ll say about it. I don’t know if she’ll fight for it or let my stepdad dictates what I need to be, instead of what I want to be. Because for the couple of years that we are living here, palagi akong sumusunod sa gusto nila.

"You can, that's your dream ever since a kid. Naalala mo noong bata ka, ang hilig mong magpabili ng mga laruang pangkagamitan sa kusina, magpapanggap na isang Chef." Naramdaman ko ang pagsandal ng mukha niya sa mukha ko habang magkayakap kami.

"Will you support me?" I asked, sighing.

"Absolutely, Sweetheart! Your dream is my dream. Your happiness is also mine. Do what makes you happy so you won't regret anything." Walang pakundangan niyang sagot. I feel her hand caressing my soft hair. I feel relaxed when she’s doing it. Para akong hinehele.

"Do you regret leaving?" I asked. Kumawala s’ya sa yakap and tuck some flew of my hair, hindering me to see her clearly at the back of my ear.

"I'm not sure. If I stay there, would I be happy? Would you turn like a fine lady in front of me?"

I cupped my mom's face and kiss her cheeks. "But you miss people who were left behind," I whispered. Marami kaming iniwan nang tumakbo kaming dalawa, papalayo sa kanila hanggang mawalan kami ng koneksiyon sa isa't isa. Tama lang rin naman ang ginawa namin, para makamove-on sa mga bagay-bagay.

Hinawakan niya ang balikat ko, hinila ako papalapit sa kama ko at doon kami naupong dalawa.

"That's natural,” she said, smiling. “Life is full of choices; you have to be responsible enough in choosing something. You can't always have both. Being greedy is not an option because you might lose both of them. I told you, Sweetheart, that every success has a story; they need to sacrifice something while traveling to the journey of life. Thanks to the things you lost, you gained something." I love hearing some wisdom of words from my Mom. Tumango-tango ako, absorbing what she said, and carving every word to my mind and heart.

"It's getting late. Goodnight, Sweetheart." Hinalikan pa niya ang pisnge ko bago iniwan akong mag-isa.