Love n' Dear

Chapter 45: Talk

"Talk," I calmly said sitting on his lap. Ang kapal rin ng mukha kong kumandong kung kailan makikipag-break na siya. Sulitin na natin, hindi na rin mauulit pa.

Napapitlag ako nang lumapat ang kamay niya sa likod ko. I forgot that I'm wearing a very nice dress na pabor sa kaniya.

"I went to date; don't assume this dress is for you."

Bakit kasi nakalimutan kong magpalit? Feeling niya naman na mag-aayos ako para sa kaniya.

"You met Renz," he said. Mukhang chismosa talaga ang isang iyom at siguro nag-send siya ng picture kay Luis.

"What do you want to talk?" I look at my watch and said, "I have curfew." Kaso mukhang wala siyang balak magsalita. "If you're not in the mood, we can talk tomorrow. I can wait." Akmang aabutin ko na yung handle pero pinagilan niya ako at ipinilupot ang mga braso sa bewang ko.

"Where's my kiss?"

Hindi agad ako nakasagot sa tinanong niya kaya inulit niya.

"Kiss?" pag-uulit niya. Even lick his lips, mukhang ready ng makipagchukchakan sa akin. Kapal niya! Malandi ako pero di ko siya hahalikan kapag galit ako. Kiss-kiss-in ko mukha niya.

"What is the context of this talk?" Teka lang nga, bakit nga ako galit sa kaniya?

"Kiss ko muna," he said, pouting his lips.

"Stop being a kid, Luis! My time is precious."

"But I want my kiss."

This is why I hate childish guy! Akala nila puro lang laro. Kung kelan need magseryoso, ang hilig magpabebe. Paano naman ako? Gusto ko rin magpabebe sa kanya, so ano? Maninigas kaming dalawa? Sariling sikap ang pagsuyo?

"Why would I kiss you when I'm mad at you?" Anong akala niya sa akin? Hahalikan ko siya kung kailan niya gusto? Mukha niya talaga!

"So you're mad?"

I gulped hearing the word 'mad' with my pronoun. Seryoso ba siya sa tanong niya? Kasi sinong hindi magagalit sa--- bakit nga ba ako galit? Dahil sa pag-iwan niya sa akin sa ere. Wow! Mukhang sa aming dalawa, ako pa iyong sabik na sabik, na hayok na hayok sa kaniya. As if!

I contradict what he said. Alangan naman ipagsigawan kong yes, nagmumukha talaga akong patay na patay sa kanya. Napayuko ako, pinagmamasdan ang kamay ko sa kandungan ko.

"Look at me," aniya. Napatungo ako para tingnan siya but I didn't smile pero parang papunta na roon. Sayang naman ang mukha niya, mukha ng lalaking hindi man lang ako nag-enjoy. Nakapanghihinayang.

"Why are you mad?'

"I'm not." Itinaas ko pa ang balikat na hindi talaga. Sayang lang talaga siya.

"Then why are you hiding?" tanong niya habang inilalagay ang ilang buhok ko sa may likod ng tainga.

Napansin niya pa iyon? Pero no! Mamamatay muna ako bago ko sabihing galit ako kasi hindi natuloy ang gusto kong mangyari sa aming dalawa. Mabubuhay naman akong wala siya.

"Hindi lang magtagpo ang schedule nating dalawa," pagdadahilan ko. Isa pa ang daming inutos ng dalawang magkapatid kaya nahirapan din ako. Napagkamalan pa akong fangirl ng mga iyon dahil pabalik-balik ako noong pinabili nila ako ng pagkain sa caf tapos pinagdala pa ng bag nila. Ang sobrang pinakamalalang nangyari ay after class ko, iyong kahihinga ko pa lang dahil kalalabas lang ng prof ko nang tumawag sila sinabing kakain kami. Sobra talaga ang naging isyu ko dahil sa dalawang iyon. Ayoko na talagang ibalik pa.

"So are we clear? I'm not mad, our schedule is not helping. Our talk is done. Pwede na'ko umuwi?"

"No, tell me your feelings."

Umirap ako at pinigilan ang kamay niyang pinaglalaruan ang buhok ko. Anong mayroon sa hilig niyang ilagay sa daliri ang buhok ko tapos iiikot? Bakit hindi na lang siya nagpatuyo ng parlor?

"I'm not mad, that's my feelings."

Pinaghugpong niya ang pareho naming kamay at seryosong pinagmasdan iyon. Napasarap iyong pagtingin nya at nakalimutan na namang magsalita.

"Can I go home?" I asked.

"No, you haven't kiss me."

Mahina kong iinulak ko ang balikat niya dahil nakakainis na talaga siya. "Why do you want me to do the first thing? You can just pull me and claim my lips." Dati naman ganoon ang ginawa niya.

"Ladies first, I'll kiss you later."

"If you want a kiss, you can just ask for others. They are willing to do it, not me, who had a very busy schedule."

"They are not my girlfriend."

"And this is me, your girlfriend, approving you to kiss any woman you want so can we just drop this talk? Go to our homes quietly?"

"Why are you upset?" Kailangan paulit-ulit iyong tanong? Can't he just understand that I'm not mad.

"No, but I'm starting to get pissed. You want to talk yet you first ask me where your kiss is? The hell it is!"

"Because you're mad."

"Sure, suit yourself." Kung para sa ikabubuti niya, yeah, I admit it, wholeheartedly. Hindi ata siya makakatulog kapag hindi ako galit.

"What’s wrong with me?"

Ako pa ang tinanong sa pagkakamali niya? Bakit di siya marunong mag-self-reflect?

"Why don't you first ask yourself? Why am I mad to you?"

"I've been thinking for two days but can't find what's wrong and this is me, asking you about it."

I hissed calling his name. Ang sarap niyang sakalin. At kailangan ko pang isampal sa kaniya iyong mali niyang nagawa? Pero--- wala naman talaga siyang maling nagawa. Ako lang itong nag-expect. I created that freaking scenario inside my head tapos hindi naman nangyari. "I won't answer that. Let me just go home. We'll talk again, if you discover it by yourself."

"But I won't discover it unless you tell me."

"I have curfew, come on." Nakakaubos na siya ng pasensiya. Ayaw pa niyang sabihin ang mahiwagang mahika na let's end what we have right now. Sasaya pa ako roon. Hindi iyong pinapahirapan niya pa kaming dalawa.

"You need to tell me first about it."

Grabe! "I will just call you later." I opted to touch the door but he's also fast, stopping me to get out and even snake his arms around my hips.

"You won't go home unless you say it now."

It's embarrassing! Hindi niya ba maintindihan iyon? Paano ko sasabihing galit ako kasi iniwan niya ako kung kailan enjoy na enjoy na ako? I mean, I even doubt myself kung mapangit ba iyong performance ko. Because that's first!

"Freaking annoying!" I said, annoyed by the fact that this man is so persistent. Bakit ko ba 'to naging boyfriend?

Huminga ako ng malalim dahil mas kabado pa ako rito kumpara sa recitation kanina. Tapos to think na kaharap ko siya?

Mabilis kong tinakpan ang mukha niya dahil naiilang ako.

"Why are you hiding my face?"

"You're annoying as freak," pagdadahilan ko kahit ang totoo, ayokong makita ang mukha niya.

"I want to hear what's wrong with me while looking at your face." Pilit niyang inaalis ang kamay kong nakatakip sa mukha niya.

Natawa ako, mukha na talaga akong baliw kapag kaharap siya. Ang bilis magbago ng mood ko. "Let's just stop. I'm not mad, I'm serious about it. Before, I am but I'm fine now. Everything is good." Fine, susuyuin ko na lang siya. Sarap niya halikan. I smiled and pinch his nose.

"I want to know what made you mad so I can avoid doing it again."

Nandito na naman tayo sa usapang hindi ko alam ang puno't dulo.

"There's nothing to worry about." Mabilis kong idinampi ang labi ko sa labi niya. "I've kissed you, are we fine?"

"No, not until you say the reason what did I do that upsets you."

"I won't say anything. Bahala ka." Nagkibit-balikat ako dahil manigas na kung manigas, hindi ko talaga sasabihin sa kaniya.

"Then let's stay like this."

Ako pa tinakot niya? Edi manigas siya! Mataba pa naman ako, sana manakit iyong binti niya. Itinuloy ko ang pagbabalewala sa kanya. Nakatingin lang ako sa kamay niya na nakapulupot sa bewang ko. Mukhang di niya talaga ako pauuwiin. At wala talagang nagsasalita sa amin. Bakit ba hindi niya alam iyong salitang suyo? Bakit hindi niya ako lambingin?

Pasimple ko siyang tiningnan, halos magulat akong seryoso lang siyang nakatitig sakin. Kanina pa ba siyang nakamasid? Bakit niya ako pinagmamasdan?

"What? Why are you staring at me?" malakas na loob kong pagtatanong sa kaniya.

"Am I not allowed to stare at my girlfriend's face?"

Akala niya ba madadala niya ako sa mga ganitong banat? Pero sige na nga, oo na. Kinilig ako roon.

"Why are you so childish? Bakit kailangan ako iyong sumuyo? Bakit hindi ikaw? Tapos ako bukas." Nakakainis kasi! Ang cute niya, sige na ako ang taya today.

"Who said we're doing that kind of thing? We're here to settle our misunderstanding; you can talk anytime you want. Give me the reason why you're mad and I can avoid or even change if for you."

Wala talaga sa bokabularyo niya iyong salitang suyo at lambing. Grabe! Napaka-professional talaga ng bf ko.

"You are really annoying!" I can't believe ganito ang ending naming dalawa.

"And you think you're not? Why can't you just explain or point out what I did that make you mad or upset? You know, you're being childish with this little thing when you should not be."

"So the blame is on me? I'm the childish now. You know, we can just quit what we started. We're not even that long. Yeah, let's end this sh**t."

"What with 'let's end with this sh**t’? Are you serious? I'm trying to understand you, trying to avoid what I need to so you won't get upset and you want to call quits? Break-up? Just because of this thing?"

"This thing? You're being funny. You don't even know what this thing is but you have the guts to call it like that?"

"You started it, you suddenly said let's end this sh**t. Is that our relationship to you? A f**cking sh**t, huh, Louisse?"

"You're pissing me off. Go away, everything is settled. We're done, now let me go home."

"So you have the upper right hand? You have to decide whether this relationship will stay or not? How about me? Your puppet? Someone who will tag along to your drama? Someone who will accept what is handed for him? Come on Louisse! We're two in this, stop making me feel like you have the right because I also have the right to stay or end this relationship with you."

"What do you want? Stay? I told you, let's end this."

"Why is it so f**cking easy for you to said that we should end it when I'm here trying to fix everything." He raked his hair through his fingers, diverting his anger and probably frustration on that. His Adam's apple are slowly moving up and down while his jaw is clenched.

"Unlock this; my driver is waiting for me."

"At least tell me why you are mad! For f**cking sake! Tell me what's wrong with me."

Hala? Bakit biglang may pagsigaw? Hindi ko naman siya sinisigawan kanina?

"Why are you suddenly crying? I'm just asking why are you mad. Is that wrong to ask?"

Mabilis kong tinakpan ang mukha ko dahil hindi ko rin alam kung bakit napakaiyakin ko.

"Why are you raising your voice? Hindi naman kita sinisigawan."

One thing about me, sobrang iyakin ko kapag may nagmataas ng boses sa akin. Pakiramdam ko minumura niya ako. Tho, minumura niya naman talaga ako kanina pa.

"I'm sorry. I won't shout again and please stop crying, it's not even helping."

Bakit ganoon? Wala talagang akong naamoy na lambing. Is this really the end? Samantalang sa iba, kapag umiiyak ang jowa nila, yayakapin at ibababa ang pride tapos pagdating sa kaniya, nganga.

"You, it’s because of you! I freaking hate you! Why do I need to say the reason why I'm mad when it's embarrassing? I though we're good, I enjoy what you did to me but you left me hanging. With just one phone call, you look like someone who got splashed with cold water and you lock yourself. Do you even know what I'm thinking? Is my performance not good? You're not satisfied? Different what if's polluted my head until you call me, I realized you're not happy and wanted to end this but instead, you asked where your kiss is. And this happens, you shouting and such. I really hate you!" Halos ibaon ko na ang mukha ko sa palad para lang hindi niya makita ang mukha ko. Sobrang nakaka-frustrate siya, kung alam niya lang.

"Eyes on me," he commanded like a boss. Diba? Sa ibang lalaki, yayakapin ka habang umiiyak ka samantalang siya, uutusan ka pa. What a man!

Umiling lang ako dahil gusto ko nang umuwi. Ayoko na sa kanya but funny, I never like him! Nadala lang ako ng bugso ng damdamin nang tanggapin ko siya. Walking red flag talaga siya and relationship? That's really a pain in my face.

"Don't make me repeat myself."

Tuluyan akong tumunghay at binigyan siya ng pamatay na tingin. Ang kapal ng mukha niyang manakot sa akin kung kelan siya iyong may kasalanan kung bakit ako umiiyak.

"What? What do you want? I already told you everything."

He suddenly hold my jaw. "Louisse," he paused, wiping my tears with his fingers. "I'm sorry, I didn't know that I may be like this, someone who looks expert but I want to respect and cherish everything about you but we're not in the right status to do it."

"Your performance is mindblowing. You even test my patience but I thank God for waking me up. At the right time, everything will fall into places."

Does it mean we will just hide and seek until we get married and we can have s*x? Tamang laro lang kami ng jackstone ganoon ba?

"You mean we'll wait to get married until we do it?" Hinawakan ko ang kamay niyang nagpupunas ng luha ko.
What does he really wanted? But I won't get married and I never aim that thing.

He just nodded, move a little bit so our face can be near to each other and whisper, "I’m a religous man, a very religous man. I don't want my child to suffer because of us. Let's be responsible enough."

Napaawang ang labi ko sa hindi inaasahang pagsagot niya na napaka-out of my thinking capacity. Kakaiba talaga siya, paladasal ako, nagsisimba rin ako... I guess malandi lang talaga ako. But if he's worried about the child there's condom and such. But if I say it, nagmumukha talaga akong desperada sa katawan niya.

Naramdaman ko na lang ang paghawak niya sa baba ko hanggang sa angkinin ang labi kong kanina niya pang hinihingi.

"We can kiss but not that part?" I asked, not sure kung ano ba talagang nasa isip niya.

"You can have my fingers," he said it in a serious tone and even show me his ten long fingers tsaka niya ata na-realize na pwede rin ang bibig niya kaya nilabas niya iyong dila niya. Dahil doon ay malakas kong hinampas ang braso niya sa sobrang kahibangan niya at kakapalan ng mukha. Ako talaga iyong may gusto ng katawan niya? Ako lang talaga? Bigla niya lang ako kinabig para mapapunta sa loob niya at maamoy na naman ang pabango niya. Why is he hugging me now?

"I miss you," he said it at mas lalo niyang pinagsisikan ang mukha niya sa leeg ko.

"Two days..." he paused at ramdam na ramdam ko ang hininga niya sa leeg ko sa may parte ng collarbone. Pero bakit kasi hindi siya nag-text sa akin noong Linggo? O kung tinanong man lang ba niya ako kung nakauwi ako ng maayos noong Sabado kung kelan muntik na may mangyari sa amin.

"I'm sorry; it took me two days to be with you again." I can sense his breath becomes heavy seems like controlling himself. Matatawa na sana ako at ready nang awitan siya na religious his b**tt when he just s**ck my skin there. What the heck is he aiming?

"Sh**t Luis!" It stinks because he just put hickeys there. At sinabunutan ko lang siya dahil ang sakit-sakit. Paano ako nito mamaya?

Inilagay ko ang palad ko sa leeg kung saan niya ginawa ang kababuyan niya. That will really surely give me a mark. Pahihirapan pa niya ako sa close neck na susuotin ko.

"Still want to break up with me?" He pulled my hand from my necm and kissed the back of my palm. Umiling lang ako dahil ayoko talaga ng kiss mark at baka masyndan pa at sinunggaban lang siya ng yakap. This time, ulo ko ang nakasandal sa dibdib niya.

"I'm sorry for accusing you of wanted to end it."

"I won't," he said while brushing my hair with his fingers.

Sobra pa naman iyong panghihinayang ko kasi ang ending fling-fling ko lang siya tapos gusto niya palang ayusin ang gusot sa aming dalawa.

"Hug?" I asked him, drawing some circles to his chest.

"Silly," he answered because we're actually hugging. Mas hinigpitan nga lang niya. I really love this feeling, it feels warm inside him. Something likes a shield, screaming that I'm safe in his arms.

"We're not breaking up?" pag-uulit ko. Gusto ko lang nang malinaw na usapan.

"You really want to end everything?"

I laughed and look up so I can kiss his chin. "Relax! I'm just asking." Masama bang magtanong?

"Why brought it in the first place?"

"I'm sorry, I won't do it again." Hindi ko na talaga uulitin dahil ayokong nang may gawin siya sa katawan ko.

"So you're planning to act like this again?"

"Maybe?"

"What about your dress?"

"Do I look good with it?"

"Answer my question." Mainit na naman ang ulo ng bossing.

"At least, compliment me."

"You're still my girlfriend without dress."

Diba? Religious his foot talaga! m******s siya! That's the end of it, period talaga.

"It's not your taste? Fine, what do you want? Pants? Skirts?"

"My question," he reminded me.

Ayaw nya talaga paawat. Bakit ang dami niyang tanong? Tsaka kasasabi ko lang pagkapasok ko na galing akong date at huwag siyang mag-assume tapos kailangan kong muling ulitin?

"What do you prefer? Some revealing clothes or the opposite?"

Nagbabanta na naman iyong boses niya nang tawagin ang pangalan ko.

"Where have you been before meeting me up?"

Bumuntong-hininga ako kasi alam niya naman dahil sinabi na ni Renz pero I think gusto niya lang marinig sa bibig ko.

"Promise me, you won't get mad." I pouted but he said, "Go on."

"I went to date instead of Elle since she's busy but don't get mad, okay? I met Renz, your cousin and we bid our goodbye. Nothing really happened."

I waited to look at his expression kasi hindi naman siya nag-reply. Pinugpog ko pa ng halik ang chin niya dahil baka galit siya. Ano kayang hitsura niya kapag wala siyang beard? Tho, his manly with this kind of style.

"Luis, come on say someth--"

"Why would you go instead of Elle? It's not like that can eat half an hour of her time and remember if you have crush on Renz, since the beginning that he and Elle born in this world, they are destined to be each other so think about it."

"Why do you think I have crush on your cousin? Is he my boyfriend?"

Umiling lang siya at sinundan pa nang, "And Troy, that douchebag!"

Ang dami naman niyang kilala at paano ba kami napunta rito?

"Why are you mad at him? He has a girlfriend, no need to be jealous."

"He is your ex."

Napakurap-kurap ako dahil tama ba ang narinig ko? Alam niyang ex ko si Troy? Pero I don't label him as my ex-bf. The only ex I have is Zero.

"How did you know?"

Napalunok siya kasi na-caught off guard ko pa. Ano ha!

"Are you spying me?"

"No! I'm eating in the resto, near your table. Heard your conversation, I don't eavesdrop, it's just, you two are loud. "

"When is that?" Kumalas ako sa yakap at umayos na ng upo sa kandungan niya.

"Graduation day," he shyly said.

"That long ago?

He nodded at talagang grabe, ang tagal na noon tapos may galit pa rin siya?

"Just don't date other man, don't even imagine being alone with them."

"So you're the jealous type?"

"I'm not." Nangangamot defensive pa ang isang ito.

I smiled watching him like this, charming in my eyes.

"Okay, you're not."

"I'm really not, just avoiding some variables. But your dress is for him?"

Natigilan ako because partly yes, pero di naman dapat ako ang may suot nito kasi si Elle, siya iyong may ka-date. "Are you mad again? Should I strip--"

Hindi siya sumagot at niyakap na lang ako. "I'm not mad but I really miss you." Ipinulupot ko ang mga braso sa leeg niya at mas mahigpit siyang niyakap para lang maramdamang niya kung anong nararamdaman ko.

It's saddening how I first end the call we have. I hope I won't dump him.