In the Name of Earth

Chapter 8: The Human Case

A few hours earlier; Several lightyears away.

Morurr, senior legal analyst at Globian Industries, jumped to his feet, a recently compiled report at hand. Him and his team had been hard at work on that project for the past weeks nosediving into the intricacies of the Galactic Code and details of the so-called human civilization. Yet another inferior race standing in the path of progress and profit, but not for long.

With his short black cape wavering behind him, the legal analyst crossed the room filled with his peers and subordinates’ desks to enter the office of Schommer, head of the legal department.

“Astronomical profit, Sir. I have something on the Human case,” Morurr announced as he entered. “It’s material.”

“Good!” the legal director spun on his chair, dark-orange vests fluttering, and keyed a direct line to the CEO’s office. In a matter of minutes, a hologram of Magnor Rastall materialized on the corner of the luxurious office. “Profit, sir. We have developments on the human matter.”

“Which one is that again?” the CEO asked while sifting through some paperwork unseen on the transmission.

“The All-World Luxury Resort project. On Orion, sector Delta.”

“Oh, yes!” Magnor Rastall shivered at the memory of the semi-hairy natives of Earth. The simple fact that they would name their planet that showed they weren’t smart enough to deserve it. “Go ahead, analyst, I don’t have all day.”

“Recent extra-systematic readings suggest humanity is currently undergoing stage 2 of the Drakian curve,” Morurr explained. “That means their net impact on their ecosystem is negative. Not nearly as destructive as the liberal application of sulfuric rains or volcanic terraforming by the natives of, respectively Duroxin III and Duroxin IV, but on the long run there is a 21% chance that this pattern will render Earth uninhabitable.”

“Get to the point, analyst,” Rastall asked, still absentmindedly studying something else.

“I think I see his reasoning, sir,” the legal director intervened. “It is solid.”

“See, sir,” the analyst proceeded, “if we can make a case before the Moderators that humanity is a liability to the Earthen ecosystem, we can downgrade their species sentience ranking from C3 to C4, maybe even C5.”

“At which point we can petition to lead an intervention on their planet,” Rastall understood and lifted his four glowing yellow eyes to his employees. “I will have our lobbyists get started on the motion immediately.”

“One more thing, sir. Despite their societal seclusion from galactic matters, humanity has official diplomatic representation. In theory, it is only a token initiative, but they are a growing presence on their neighboring star systems and their representatives are remarkably competent. At least to their primitive standards. They could generate grave complications, should they mobilize against our petition.”

Rastall smiled. “Then let’s see to it that they do not!”

***

After Alexa elected to loot the galley a second time, retrieving a sparkling green bottle of Globian Ale, it had fallen upon Ludwig to lead to group to a properly secluded location for a clandestine night of leisure. The selected venue was the antechamber to the Station’s main reactor. For one, access to that area was notoriously remote and only accompanied emergencies, which ensured they would not be disturbed. Furthermore, since the walls were all soundproofed so that the crew of Gaia Station would not need to constantly have their brains hammered by the workings of the monstrous engine.

The sight of the gigantic machine of alien design, with all its colorful bolts of controlled lightning, was also a very aesthetic background.

“I can’t believe I’m getting drunk—in space—with an American diplomat and a literal Lady. And a damn alien aristocrat!” Lud raised his fist to the skies. “Hows that for successful career, papa!”

“Think of it, you never told me what your parents do,” Marvin asked, filling the four cups for another round. They all toasted and resumed drinking.

“Mamma is a math teacher. Got that from her. Vater is a clown!”

“Don’t be so hard on the lad,” Alexa said. “I’m sure he tried his best.”

“No, no! He’s literally a clown! Red nose, birthday parties and everything.”

“What is clown?” Qui’Mal asked.

“Trust me, you don’t wanna know,” Marvin shivered at the though.

“Grant, are you afraid of clowns?” Alexa asked teasingly.

“Not afraid, just… not generally comfortable around them.”

“You’re afraid!” Alexa pinched Marvin’s cheek.

“What is clown?!”

“They’re the most awesome thing ever! They are magic! Watch!” Lud stood up, fighting to maintain his balance, then picked up an iron bolt from a nearby toolbox. He held the bolt high, then, with a flourish, the item disappeared. He approached Qui’Mal, but stopped halfway. “Oh, right, you don’t have ears. Marvin!” Changing targets, Lud approached the diplomat and produced the bolt from behind the man’s ear. “Ta-da!”

“What happened?” Qui’Mal asked. “I was looking away.”

“Aw, come on! What good’s an eye that takes up half your face if you can’t aim it!” Lud tossed the bolt across the room and returned to the toolbox. “Let’s try something else…”

The engineer returned with four wrenches of different sizes at hand. He tossed the four tools into the air simultaneously and failed to get all of them, resulting in four deafening clangs against the metallic floor.

“What was that?” Alexa chuckled and corked and eyebrow.

“Anyone got an infopad? I need a soundtrack!”

Exchanging a curious glance, the other three people shrugged and Alexa provided the requested device with a degree of reluctance.

With the stroke of a few keys, Lud set the infopad down and the thing started blasting an upbeat circus music. As the rhythm picked up, the drunk engineer stumbled to recollect his tools and, this time, skillfully launched them up alternatingly, managing all four tools in the air to the sound of the old-school juggling clown tunes.

“Now that’s something, huh?” Lud said without taking his eyes of the flying wrenches. “Bet you can’t do that with your monster wrüstchen fingers, pink man!”

“Uh… Lud?” Marvin interjected while taking a sip of beer. “I think Qui’Mal blacked out.”

“What?!” the brief second during which Lud looked away, the four tools collapsed to the ground with another wringing clash that brought Qui’Mal back to life in a leap. “At least we found something humans beat your alien esel at. Come back to Earth when you can hold your beer! Germany one, universe zero!”

“You’re not doing so well yourself, buddy,” Marvin stood up to help the bumbling engineer.

“Maybe not. Think I’ll go to bed now…” Lud stumbled towards the maintenance hatch from which they came, and a hiccupping Qui’Mal followed. Before leaving the engineer turned to the other two humans. “You know your way back, right? Left, left, right, left, go straight past the water pumps and down the powerline then right, left, right. Got it? Wunderbar! Come on now, my pink friend! To the dorm rooms!”

After Ludwig and Qui’Mal disappeared into the maintenance halls, a draggy intonation of the German national anthem faded in the distance, leaving Marvin and Alexa alone by the entrance to the roaring engine.

“Turns out Lady Hilburn is quite the rebel, eh?” Marvin waved the nearly empty bottle of alien brew.

“One time thing, Grant. And we’ll take this to our graves.”

“How’d you like your five minutes as a diplomat? One time thing, too?”

“This again?” Alexa rolled her eyes.

“It’s what you want isn’t it?” Marvin asked. “To be a diplomat.”

“What we want and what we get are different things. Maybe you can’t see that because you got what you always wanted, but not everyone’s so lucky.”

“It was your father, wasn’t it?” Marvin asked behind groggy eyes. “He put you in administration.”

“I have sent five formal transfer requests to the diplomatic core. All denied. He won’t admit it, but he’s scared shitless that his baby girl will get hurt dealing with the aliens.”

“So, you weren’t mad that my dad got me in. You just wished yours was as supportive.”

“What are you? A shrink?”

“Probably somewhere in my job description, yeah,” Marvin chuckled.

“Look, it’s been little more than a year since you got here,” Alexa gazed deep into Marvin’s eyes. “Why do you even care what I thought of you?”

Marvin shrugged. He had asked himself the same question time and again and could only guess at the actual answer. “Guess you were just different. Everyone treated me slightly different when they learned I’m the Chief-Ambassador’s son. Some were intimidated, others tried to get close like I was some sort of royalty. You were the only one who gave me s**t for it.”

“What can I say? I’m not easily impressed or intimidated,” Alexa winked and pushed herself to her feet, finishing the bottle in a fell swoop. “That’s enough therapy for one day. I say we get back before we weigh down the mood.”

“Sure you’re not just trying to get alone me into the maintenance tunnels?” Marvin stood up too, world slightly rocking around him.

“Absolutely sure. Now come… uh… Do you remember what Ludwig said about the way back?”

“Not even a little,” Marvin massaged his temples trying to recall the directions. “You?”

“Nope.”

“Eh, I say we wing it,” Marvin shrugged and pushed into the hatch. “I mean, how hard can it be?”

And the answer was very. Very hard.