The Playlist

Lany - Malibu Nights

I drive circles under street lights

Nothing seems to clear my mind

I can't forget

It's inside my head, so

I drive, chasing Malibu nights

Nothing seems to heal my mind

I can't forget

*****

How I wish I was sleeping at that time, how I wish I didn't urge myself to stay awake to listen to you. Why didn't I just pretend to sleep that night? Why do I f*****g have to hear those words from you?

Why Irene?

I wanted to ask you that but I was just frozen in my spot. My body couldn't move yet I felt my tears starting to fall from my eyes. I cried in silent, I didn't say anything to you while you just standing there with tears in your eyes. I can see your eyes full of guilt, but then why. 

Why Irene? 

I didn't know how I manage to sleep that night, maybe I cried myself to sleep. What I know is that you stayed there, you were sitting at the edge of the bed watching me cry myself to sleep. And I was actually thankful that you didn't move to hug me or touch me cause honestly, I know that I wouldn't be able to take it. Sleeping didn't help at all cause the moment I opened my eyes, I was reminded of what you confess last night. And once again I felt my heart breaks and this time I know there's no escaping what happened. I need to confront you about it. Even though I was scared as hell to hear everything you have to say. I slowly get up from the bed, my body feels heavier than any other mornings. Maybe because you weren't there when I opened my eyes or maybe because I know that this is just the beginning of the morning like this. Why did it have to this way? 

Why Irene?

I found you on sitting on the couch in the living room holding an almost empty cup of coffee. You were drinking coffee even though we both know you don't like drinking that bitter drink, guess you needed something strong for what's going to happen next huh? You raised your head when you heard me walking to our living room. I can see dark circles under your eyes, they are also a bit swollen. 

"There's coffee in the kitchen if you want," your voice was hoarse. 

"I don't need it," you and I both know that's not what I need right now.

"Why?"

I guess sleep did help me, the word that I've been wanting to ask last night finally come out from my mouth. You averted your eyes when I asked that, I clenched my fist when you only replied with,

"I'm sorry." 

All the emotions I bottled up lat night finally surface.

Anger.

"Sorry? Huh! Are you really Irene? How dare you say you're sorry like you've just knock something off the floor and expect me to pick up and forgive you?! No! You cheated on me Irene! You f*****g cheated on me! So I don't need your f*****g sorry right now, I need to know why?! Why the f**k did you cheat on me Irene?! Why?!"

Disappointment.

"How could you do t-this Irene? Of all people w-why does it have to be you? I trusted you with everything, never in all of our time together I thought of you doing this to me."

Hurt.

"I thought we were h-happy, I thought you're happy with me. I-i thought we both feel the same with our relationship. Tell me Irene, w-what did I do wrong? Is it me? Is it my fault? Did I do something for you to find s-someone else?"

I was choking on my tears while asking you those questions. So many thoughts are running on my head, so many questions but you stayed mute with your head down while silently sobbing. Why can't you give me answer Irene?

Why Irene?

"Don't you l-love me anymore?" I asked with so much sorrow. So scared of what your going to say, but I need to know Irene. Tell me, please.

"I do, I love you Sophia," out of all the questions I throw at you, you managed to answer the last one quickly. Your head snaps up in a second to look at me, your eyes telling me that what you said was true. Do you really?

"Then why?

Why Irene?"

***

You said you got too comfortable in our relationship. Too comfortable that it felt just like an everyday routine for you. 

Dull.

You felt that in our relationship.

Bored.

You wanted something new. Something that will bring back the excitement in your life. 

Suffocated.

You wanted to explore something else, you wanted to feel the sparks that you once felt with me.

Unhappy.

Being with me doesn't make you happy anymore. Being with feels an obligation to you. 

"I wanted to feel what you made me feel when we were in high school Sophia, and I found it with him."

"Y-you said you love me."

"I do."

"Then how can you love me and not be happy with me Irene?"

"I-i don't know."

***

Our friends would often jokingly call me stupid whenever I do something funny to them. Maybe they are not wrong at all, I am really stupid cause when you said you don't want me to leave you despite what you did, I agree with you..

Yes, I'm really stupid.

Because even if it hurt, I cannot will myself to leave you Irene. I couldn't see my life without you Irene. So despite knowing there will be someone else, I still stayed with you.

I'm stupid.

Because I know I have to share you with someone else. And maybe somehow I'm okay with that, I'll take it as long as I still have you. As long as you're saying you still love me. 

I'm stupid.

Because I know every time you leave our apartment to work in the hospital you'll be spending another day with him. He's another resident in the hospital your working at, you're gonna spend a lot of hours with him. And I know you're happy when you're with him, so I watched you every morning and hear another break in my heart as you closed the door leaving me alone in our apartment to be with him.

I'm stupid.

For staying even though I know behind those smile in your face is because of someone else and not me. Maybe I was still hoping, that whatever you feel for that person right now is just temporary and you'll realize that you didn't need him to make you happy. You'll realize that it's still me, that you will still go back to me. Because you said you love me right? You just want to explore whatever you're feeling with that person right? And in the end, you'll still come home to me, right?

I'm stupid.

I know because when you said you're being unfair and wanted to stop our set up and wanted me to look for someone else too, I just shake my head and give you a smile and told you, 

"As long as you love me Irene, I'm staying with you."

I'm really stupid, right?

I know, but I love you Irene and I promise you I'll never leave you.

I'm patient, I'll wait until you're back in my arms again and for you to be only mine.

I'm patient Irene.

But I'm still human, and I'm still getting hurt.

And my heart is still continuing to break every single day. 

I'm still human Irene,

And human runs out of patience especially when they get hurt too badly. 

I'm stupid.

But I know when one night you got home and hug me and smell his scent on you, see his mark that you tried to desperately hide covers it with a concealer so I wouldn't see. But I did see it Irene, you put too much that it doesn't blend well with your skin, but I didn't let you know that I notice it. I acted as normally as I can, I offered you dinner but you said you're not hungry wanted to sleep early. I nod and let you as you hurriedly go inside our room and I heard the bathroom door closed.

 I know right at that moment,

It's enough.

I've had enough.

I'm stupid because I let myself suffer this long.

I'm stupid because I let myself be blinded.

I'm stupid because I let you do this to me.

I'm stupid because I know I don't deserve this.

And I know I'm stupid because I let myself love you still til the very end.

***

"A week."

You turned to me while you're putting on your long sleeves, the very same long sleeve that once belongs to me but you said you liked how it looks on you and it makes you feel like I'm with you whenever you wear it. I wonder do still feel it when you wear that? Does he even know that this clothe belongs to me? Does he even know that you belong to me? I didn't ask anything about him, all I know is that he's a workmate. I didn't bother getting knowing him cause I thought he'll be gone sooner but I guess that's not the case anymore.

"What?" you asked, I  didn't know if you didn't hear me or your asking what I mean with a week.

"I said a week, give me a week Irene" I repeated just to be sure, I walk to where you are standing and helps you to button your long sleeve. Your brows arch in a questioning manner, telling me to explain what I said.

"Give a week, just you and me and no one else, no him. I want to be with you, all of you. I want the high school Irene who's madly crazily in love with me. The Irene who only see me in her eyes and no one else. I want us to go back to before all of this mess happens. Can we do that Irene? Can you at least give that to me?" I ask as I finish buttoning the last button on your sleeve and look at you in the eyes. I know my eyes are pleading you to grant what I've asked from you. 

I guess I still matter to you huh? 

You nod and said, "Okay, let's do that."

So we go back to when we were like in high school, the ones where we were so in love with each other. So proud and brave of their love for each other, with many promises of future together. 

You called for vacation leave at your work. I don't know what you said to him but for the following week, you did what I asked of you, there's no him just you and I. I cooked breakfast for you every morning, sometimes I serve you breakfast in bed and we'll eat together. Talking about our times when we were in high school, laughing at any funny memories we could remember and there are a lot, especially when we had a group of friends that doesn't run out of shenanigans. 

I took you out on dates, we visited places that used to be our favorites before. Places where we made a lot of memories together. And other times we just stay indoors, cuddled together watching a rerun of our favorite shows before. with scattered chips and popcorns around us, just like what we used to do before. Movies that were forgotten when we would start to focus on each other, lips busy with each other and hands exploring every inch of our bodies. At the moment I really felt like we did go back to when we were in high school, to when we were both madly in love with each other. 

But I only asked for a week and a week passed like seconds. Little did I know we were already on our seventh day and I know after this there will be him again. So on our last night together, with all of the love I have for you, I let you feel all the love I have for you Irene. I worship every inch of you. I let you feel how much I love you. 

Cause I know this is the last time I could do this.

This is the last time I would shower you with my love.

This is the last time I would let myself drown to you.

This is the last time I'll ever whisper words of how much I love you.

This is the last time I'll be stupid for you.

Because when morning comes, I'll be out of your life.

When morning comes, there will be no you and me anymore.

When morning comes, I'll let my heart breaks for one last time.

So I kissed you one last time before you sleep.

Sleep well my love,

Goodbye...