Love is a spontaneous emotion

Chapter 12 I Am Sure What I Should Do.

Dadaji hesitated and asked, "Are you sure ? I just saw you when I was walking down the hallway and thought I should say hello to you.

I said, "Please come in, I am more than sure."

Dadaji came in, and I asked him to take a seat and sat right across from him.

I asked "Dadaji what would you like to have , coffee , tea, or perhaps join me for dinner?"

Dadaji said, " Raghu beta, I had my dinner already, and I don't take anything except water after dinner. Thanks for asking, but I will skip."

I said , " Dadaji , what brings you to Calgary?"

Dadaji said," I came here for healing therapy. Have you heard of Prof. Dr Rutherford ?

I said, " Yes, psychologist and a healer?"

Dadaji said, " Right, I got an appointment with him after 6 months wait."

I said, " Seriously? Seems like a very busy man."

Dadaji said, " Indeed he is. I have read his books and have been wanting to meet him for a long time now."

I asked, "Dadaji, do you mind if I ask what you need healing for?"

Dadaji smiled and answered, "Not at all , Raghu. I am not suffering from any physical ailments, as you can see. I am a healthy man for my age, but....... "

I asked, "Dadaji, you can tell me anything, I will be honoured if I am opportuned to be of any help to you?"

Dadaji said,"Beta, I will tell you a secret today. I have not shared it with anyone until now."

I smiled and said," I am all ears , Dadaji."

Dadaji said, " I will tell you a story. My story." He smiled, but it did not reach his eyes. There was deep pain in his eyes.

He said , " I had a daughter. A ball of sunshine. She was an ideal daughter, perfect in every sense. She was a brilliant girl. She never disappointed me or anyone else, but she made one mistake by falling in love with a wrong man or so, I thought. He was the son of one of my employees. I never approved of him for my son in law because I thought he was not a match for my daughter. I was a class conscious man. I would never let my daughter marry that lowlife ,a nobody, but my daughter was as stubborn as me.She followed her heart and eloped with that man and got married. I never approved of their marriage. I did what I thought right at that time, I disowned her. I never contacted her after she left with him. I had told her that she was dead to me the day she left me. That was my last word to her." Dadaji broke down sobbing bitterly. I was shocked to see this strong and stubborn man in this state. I hugged him and said,"Dadaji, let it all out . Tell me everything . You will feel better. You are hurting because you are holding it all inside. It's ok, Dadaji."

Dadaji taking a deep breath continued,". Raghu.. a a.. after 2 years, I got the news that she had died."Dadaji was crying again, and I kept holding him like a child and consoling him. I could see how broken he was. I could see deep regrets in his eyes, which were the testament to the hell he had suffered.

He continued, "She died during childbirth, and so did her baby. That day, I died, too . I have been just a living corpse since then. I have been regretting my decision to let her go .If...if...I had accepted the man she loved, probably things would have been different . She would have been alive today.The last words I had said to her reverberates in my ears even today. I hate myself . I can never forgive myself, Raghu. I wish I had died instead of her."

I was spell bound by His confession. Who could have guessed that he was hiding so much pain and suffering behind his jubiliant facade. He continued, " we are mortals and come with expiry dates, but we just don't know those dates, yet we think we are invincible, and we plan our lives like we are here forever. We take things for granted. we base our decisions on the most futile and insignificant things such anger,despondency,ego, fear, rage, and hatred on an impulse, only to regret them all at the end of the day. When we love someone deeply enough ,we sacrifice for them not to ask the ones we love to sacrifice for us, which is what I did. It was outright selfish and immature of me to do that, and honestly, the man she chose was not bad at all . He was a decent man,well educated, but lacked status. I could have set aside my ego and made peace with her sooner ,maybe she would be alive today. How I wish I could go back in time and change everything. What I would'nt give to see her just one more come walking through the door , to hear her call me Papa, but that is impossible. I have been very tired of carrying this burden for years now. I have never slept peacefully since she left my home. I feel death is a reward that can end all my misery, but I can't kill myself. I can neither live nor die, only suffer this unbearable agony. May be this is the punishment I have to endure for my sins for the rest of my life."

I didn't know what to say after I heard Dadaji pour his heart out. I was too shaken by this revelation.

None of us were able to speak. Every muscle of speech seemed to be paralysed by excruciating grief with which the air was thick .After a long stretch of silence that felt like eternity, I spoke, releasing the breath that I didn't know I was holding.

"Dadaji, you are here for healing this deep emotional trauma. Here you are making an effort and it is a good sign. You are a strong man. You can overcome this. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I know it does'nt make sense to you now, but someday you will emerge a winner. I believe in your strength, and also, I trust in God. I know and I feel your pain,Dadaji because I too have first hand experience of losing someone very close to heart, that is my mother.I am still grieving her loss, I could never overcome the pain , the hollowness in my heart , but I am trying.

you don't know what you have done today by letting me in on your secret, your grief. It has changed my perspective of life, too. I was at the precipice of making one of the most important decisions of my life, and your experience has indeed influenced my decision. Now I am sure what should do."

Dadaji smiled and said," I wish you well, Beta. I hope I didn't take too much of your time. Please come home when you are visiting India. I will return to Delhi by the end of this week."

I hugged Dadaji. This heart to heart conversation with him has brought us so much closer, and something changed in me, and it was for the better.