Love is a spontaneous emotion

Chapter21 Panic Attack.

Maithili's pov

I can't believe I got married to a man who was never inclined to get married to me, but why did they force Raghunandan into marrying me if he was not interested in me.

Whatever their reasons are, but I am at the loose end of Raghunandan's wrath. He thinks so low of me. I want to tell him that I was not aware of his situation when I agreed to marry him, but will he believe me? I should try explaining to him at least. I feel like I have jumped from frying pan into the fire. In order to escape one, I got into another. I will talk to him about it.

Raghu sauntered into the room , opened his laptop, and started working. I hesitated for a moment weather to approach him now or was it a bad idea. I have not seen him smile since I have been married to him, but then I don't even recall him smile or being happy even before that from what I have seen.

Mustering up courage, I walked up to him and cleared my throat to get his attention. He looked up at me with irritation written all over his face and said,"Whatt?" Well, his mood was not good, but when again have I seen him in a good mood? I am not leaving until I tell him that truth, whatever the outcome.

I said, "Raghuji, I know you are very distressed, and you have every reason to be, but I was in dark too about your unwillingness to get married to me. I am really very sorr..."

Even before I finished my sentence, he yelled," Shutup ,just shut up. Save it . I did'nt ask you for an explanation, Did I? It doesn't make any difference whether you knew about it or not ,the damage is done and that is what matters. "

I went silent. My heart was thumping wildly. I feared him like I feared my stepmother. I wanted to say more to convince him that I am not going to be a trouble, but I could not utter a word. This always happens to me when someone speaks in anger or yells at me, I freeze, as it triggered panic attacks. This is what happens when someone lives in constant fear. I lived every second of my life in fear since my stepmom came into my life. Now it is happening again. I don't know for what sins I am paying for. Wherever I go, my Karma is following me like my shadow.

Raghuji spoke again, " I know you have a flair for the drama. I am no daft. I clearly understand where you come from. Let's assume that you are telling the truth, I still don't want to give this marriage a chance. want to know why? because I want my woman to have class. The class comes from the upbringing in a wealthy and educated family. You lack the class that comes from wealth or education.Given that you are Naav's classmate, I assume you passed 12th. Tell me if I am wrong because I am not sure if you passed or failed. Now, giving up on your education and getting married means security and life full of luxury, nothing to worry about, anything, and everything will come easy. Why would you let go of such an opportunity? If you had a background that emphasized education rather than marriage, at such a young age, would you be agreeing to this marriage ? Tell me, Maithili, how can I even think of a woman with absolutely no class ,no self-respect , no dignity to be my wife?"I wonder if you even know the definition of them."

His words were undeniable the most hurtful and blistered me to the soul and rubbed my ego raw . I was beyond shocked to learn how I came across as to Raghuji. By all the emotional upheaval I was going through by his vitriolic words, which triggered a panic attack and I collapsed to the ground. I struggled to breathe, my heart was pounding, my hand and feet were numb, I was trembling and sweating mess . I never wanted him to see me in my most vulnerable state and for which he was the sole reason and did'nt want to give him the satisfaction that he was capable of eliciting such response from me by his caustic words but it was beyond my control. Raghuji thought that it was all a drama. Smirking cryptically, he said that he knew what I was up to by putting up this stunt, and he left from there.

I have learned some breathing techniques to calm myself down as the situation like this was not new to me. I was a sobbing mess. I did'nt want to cry or even shed a drop of tears because of people like Raghuji and my mother, but I was a wreck, and my control snapped. Tears are not signs of weekness, on the contrary, by letting the tears flow, we let go of negativity or weakness. It is a wonderful mechanism of our body to let go of our emotional and physical pains. But the sad part is such toxic people still affect me. I thought I had built a wall of defence around me, and such toxic, humiliating words could not break them, but who am I kidding ? I was utterly wrong. Nobody can hurt you unless you let them hurt you. I feel sad not because he humiliated me but because I let his humiliating words affect me to an extent I had a panic attack.

I did not let this matter get to me any further than it already did. I did a little self-talk, reinstating my courage and self-confidence, and then wrote a letter addressing Raghji. What I could'nt express verbally, I put it in black and white, and I made sure I drove my point across.