All that you deserve

Alone

Katlyn 

Fridays are always my busiest, I have lectures from 8am to 4pm and then I have to work at the private hospital for another six hours. Then it’s homework and studying,and preparing myself for another 12hr shift on Saturday. That means my social life is non existent… Yayy me!!!! 

I just got home from my shift at the hospital where I spent the majority of the day thinking about Jamison.  I wonder if he remembers me… I have work on Sunday at dinner  and I still haven’t made up my mind about going. I want to but I don’t know if I should, I have a feeling getting close to Ms.Webber and his son will be emotionally challenging and I don’t know if I am ready for that yet or if I am willing to be vulnerable to others again… my family made it hard for me to trust people and it’s crazy cause I would still do anything for them right now if they would just pick up the phone and call me. 

I entered my one bedroom apartment, it is far smaller than my father’s house but it’s mine and I made it home. I pop some leftovers in the oven and head to go take a quick shower. After getting dressed in some comfy sweats I sat at the dining table with my computer and started to study. After an hour I hear my cell phone ringing; I forgot to take it out of my bag which is on the couch. I got up running for it before the ringer ended, looking at the screen I saw my brother's face pop up; I smiled and pressed the answer button.

“K” his  voice comes over the phone. I haven’t heard his voice since last week.

“Hey Kev!” I replied trying to hide the exhaustion in my voice.

“How  are you baby sis?” He asked and I could hear the smile in his voice.

“Am fine.. just a little tired…” I replied.

“ I can call you tomorrow if you’re tired.” He rushed over the phone

“ No… am good .. how are you? I miss you..”

He replied by telling me that he is doing well and that he misses me. I noticed how he stays clear of mentioning the rest of the family. Almost like he was protecting me from something, I could hear it every time there was a lingering silence; there is never an uncomfortable silence between us before and I knew it had to be something that he knew would devastate me, and I must be a sucker for hurt because I asked “ Kev is there something wrong?” 

He took a deep breath and hesitated before he spoke and what he said next I was not expecting or…. was?

“K….  Dad hmmm removed from his will and denounced you as a daughter.. I tried to stop him but I couldn’t and it didn’t help that he lost the deal with Saunders because of what his son did to you..” he paused and then continued.

“ the company took a big hit ....Dad is mad that you left, he said if you weren’t so selfish you could have prevented it.”

All the while Kevin was explaining this to me I could feel my soul being torn apart, I wasn’t a part of the family anymore. I was never a part of the family physically but at least I was on paper now I don’t even have that. I held the phone to my ear with a trembling hand as tears flowed down my face.

“ K are you there?” Kevin asked and whispered a weak yes before he continued.

“ the company is not doing so well” he paused and I can hear the pain in his voice. Despite everything Kevin loved that company, he has been working beside dad since his junior year of high school,and I know he always says this wasn’t his dream, but a part of me believes he is lying to make me feel like I wasn’t the only one that our family mistreated. If he should retire tomorrow Kev would have no problem taking over and I know he would be good but thinking about it I feel even more estranged.

“Dad believes that if we merge the company with Saunders we have a fighting chance” he said quietly.

I took a seat on my living floor because my legs couldn’t hold me any longer. I never had a panic attack but I think i'm pretty close to one. As I continued to listen to Kev my breath started to get more and more erratic.

“ I was against it at first until I saw the numbers… so I thought we could make a deal to get Saunders' son and Kris married to merge the company since they’ve been hanging out a lot lately.”  He said

Even though I didn’t expect better from Kris I was a little disappointed that she would go out with Noah after what he did to me. But, Kris is just a product of our mother.. do anything for vanity. Now that I am away from them I can‘t help but see the differences between me and my family. No wonder I always feel so alone… because even though I have their blood running through my veins I am nothing like them. 

“Sis… Noah said no to the marriage….unless… it’s with you…. I .. was mad at first, but then Dad threatened to denounce you if you don’t come back home and marry Noah.. Kris is so mad she is removing all the photos of you from the family home… the company is not doing well.. mom is upset and won’t even mention your name… but if you come back and….” 

I didn’t let him finish before I interject “ you expect me to marry a man that attempted to r**e me… that hit me.. and then had my family choose him over me?”

“K you will be welcome back..” he replied.

“OMG… what false sense of security you gave me.. Through everything that I was put through I always thought I would have you .. Kev You were my rock through everything.” I said sobbing uncontrollably.

“ but now I see that you are just as selfish as the rest of the family… it was all about go follow your dream..  go get all that you deserve..when me leaving didn’t directly affect you” I yelled at him.

“K.. you are the self…” he started to say, but I did not let him finish.

“ Am selfish really Kev after all I put into our family and got nothing in return… you know what you got one thing right I don’t deserve this.., lucky thing I am so used to being alone cause now I know I am truly alone.” I said to him.

“Understand if you don’t do this I can’t help you anymore.” Kev stated and I felt the last part of my soul ripped away. I felt a cold race through my body and my heart is pounding so fast.

“ Do what you have to Kev..I won’t expect anything from you or them anymore, but I will always love you and them… Goodbye” I said, ending the call; letting the phone slip from my hands. I curled up in the fetal position on the cold floor sobbing and before I knew it I couldn’t control my breathing anymore. I started seeing blinking lights and before I knew it I let the darkness consume me. I welcome it for the hopes of finding comfort and rest there but when the world disappeared I was standing there alone.