First Time Ever

First Realization

Chapter-20

First Realization

This was it! The end, right in front of me and no matter what I said, what I did, however hard I tried, it was inevitable.

Grasping the buckle of his leather belt, I pulled him in with all the strength I didn’t have, didn’t feel but he did stumble into me, “But you want to be the one to finish it,” was it that grave of a mistake to have been in the religion that I did? In a family that loved me more than their own lives?

I looked at him through hazy eyes, he was still a soldier, not my lover, “Yes,” the venom tipping from his tongue, the pure loathe behind it, had me shaking in my heels. A flash of lightening struck outside followed by a heavy roar of thunder, what an apt weather.

I studied his face, took him in, every line, every contour, every slope, every angle, every inch of his skin. This was it. And then slammed my lips on his. The kiss was hungry, demanding, passionate, every ounce of love I felt for him, every last bit of my love, bare, naked I poured into that kiss. He tasted of rain, of salt and of malice but underneath it all, there was still the taste of him, of mint and chocolate, bits of it but it was there.

He kissed me back, brutally as if he was punishing me, as if he could hurt me in the cruelest of ways. But he kissed me back because he knew it as well. This was the end.

We broke apart, out of breath an out of our minds, looking into each other’s eyes, we knew, realized that we both saw it coming. This relationship should never have happened, it had all the elements of a disaster, everybody knew it, saw it but we had been so in love with each other, so blind.

Maybe in some other life, some other time, we would have been perfect, happy, content but in this one, it was not meant to be.

There was no point in mulling in the past now, because it doesn’t matter but the present did. Unbuckling his belt, I pulled it out of the loops in one swift motion. Putting it in his hands, I looked into those eyes that lulled me in, hypnotized me, enchanted me and said, “Do it.”

He looked at the belt in his hands, pure leather, shining viciously , eager to kiss my skin and then he looked at me, gaining a bit of his mind back. He was doubting himself.

But it had to be done, for both our sakes, for both our peace, “Let it out soldier!’ I screamed in his face, pushing him back, “Show me what you’ve got!”

And I received the first blow, directly across my middle, the leather enveloping my left arm and back in a snake like manner. The sound of leather meeting flesh was sickening, echoing in the room, followed by my scream.

He pulled it back, ready for another strike, the first leaving a brutal red line across my skin in its wake.

“He was just a child!” and the second one came with more force, more intent to hurt, “merely a child.”

And the strikes continued, changing in course but increasing in power to inflict pain, “He loved to dance, did you know!” the wildness was perspiring away slowly, “should have seem him dance, it was as if he was floating on clouds.”

And another one hit me, right across the chest, somehow I still felt the pain even after so many strikes, somehow each blow hit me more harder than the last, caused me more pain than the one before it.

“He only slept listening to Eminem. Can you believe it?” a smile broke on his lips, it looked so out of place on that flushed, pained, tormented face that I couldn’t help but smile as well. My vision was blurry because of the tears but I still saw him clearly. A broken man who has lost so much in life, yet who joked around, smiled often and made others smile.. helped others, those smart ass comments, the care in his eyes. Life had been brutal to him but he had the guts to smile in its face and say ‘f**k off! I am tougher than that’ but he was no superman, this was the last straw, the last nail, his younger brother.

I couldn’t even begin to imagine the pain he was going through, so the pain that he inflicted on me was nothing in comparison. I wanted to take away his pain, share just a little bit of his suffering.

“His favorite book was Pride and Prejudice. I mean which man in his right mind read that kind of crap?”

He loved his brother, loved him like his child. Keith would make a very good father one day, I just wouldn’t be around to witness it.

I didn’t know how long it had been or how I ended up on the floor, blood soaking my snowy white wedding gown, every part of my body was numb with pain but I knew it must have been long because even he seem exhausted, “Do you he called me……”

My throat burned, my lungs on the verge of collapsing and my larynx was sore from all the screaming but I managed to complete for him, “Papa K.”

His hand stopped mid strike, hung in air and he regarded me with cynical eyes, scrutinizing. He needn’t tell me any of it because I already knew. I had quite a few videos of his dance on my laptop, he sent me several of his favorite Eminem songs, we have had a heated discussion on classic vs. contemporary novels. He might not realize it now, never but I came to love Blake as well, like my own brother.

His loss might have been deeper but I felt it as well.

“H…….Haya,” it was merely a whisper and he hadn’t meant for it to come out of his mouth but I heard it nonetheless, even with the wind howling, thunder rolling outside. Funny how I’ve always wanted to hear him say my name but now that he did say it, it was to mark the end of it all.

That didn’t stop me from savoring it, every word, every syllable, every bit, because that would be the first and the last time he ever said it, correctly.

The hatred evaporated from his eyes, so did the wild rage. That was his parting gift to me.

Throwing the belt at my feet, he was out of the door before I could even stop him, there was so much I wanted to say, needed to say, so many questions in my head but I said nothing because he wouldn’t listen and I couldn’t say.

I did want to ask him though, “What was my fault in all this?”

He didn’t turn back, I hadn’t expected him to and as I gazed at his retreating back, I couldn’t help but smile, “I am leaving now.” And amidst the smile, I couldn’t help the tears from leaking either. He left me sobbing like a baby.

I was lying in a pool of my own blood, on the ice cold floor in a torn and tattered wedding dress fighting to hold onto my consciousness when I heard footsteps, fast, steady, frantic.

It wasn’t Keith, I was sure. And then before I finally slipped into darkness, I saw his face, he was here, for me. He had come.

“Pete……”

My dreams were all blue eyes, black hair, flawless skin and velvety voice, they were all Keith Night.

When I finally woke up I found myself in Peter’s room, surrounded by very worried looking Lita, Bran and Rose.

“Oh thank God, India you are awake!” Lita rushed to my side, “We were so worried.”

My hands hurt, my legs hurt, my back was killing me, my head throbbed, every freaking part of my body ached so bad, I thought I’d die of pain.

“Don’t try to move,” Bran said in a voice full of concern, when I tried to sit up, “you’re in no condition to move a muscle.” Apparently I felt like a mummy, every inch of my body was covered in bandages.

“I….,” before I could even open my mouth, a very furious looking Peter walked in, “I’ll kill him! f*****g kill him! How dare…..” his eyes fell on me and immediately forgetting his ranting, he was at my side.

“You’re awake.”

My throat burned, “Yes.”

“Guys, I think we should go, let her rest,” Rose suggested, eyes on me. She was worried, I could tell and my heart swelled.

“Umm,” Lita wasn’t convinced, even Brandon stayed glued to the spot, “What if she needs anything?” Lita asked, obviously an excuse to stay by my side.

“I am staying,” Pete answered, leaving no room for discussion.

All three of them still clad in the dressed they were supposed to wear for my wedding stumbled out, with much hesitation and a, “take care, we’ll be back in the morning.” Their eyes were red, black bangs visible under their eyes and their bodies were stiff meaning they haven’t left my side since I was brought here.

Once the door closed behind them, it grew deadly silent. Peter still stood by the bed but didn’t utter a word, he didn’t need to because I knew he was holding back, thinking he would hurt me more by unleashing his fury on me. A fury that, no wonder, I had caused.

“Say it,” my throat still hurt and my body still ached but I couldn’t tolerate his silence, I just couldn’t.

He looked at me and a blend of emotions flashed on his face, anger, hurt, betrayal and then remorse.

“Pete….,” I didn’t want to be the cause of his suffering as well, I’ve already caused enough damage to the people I loved, intentionally or unintentionally.

“Say what India?” and all emotion was swiped out, just like that, “congratulate you on your chivalric feat? Or you want me to go running to the media and announce of your bravery?”

“Pete…,” he was angry, very angry.

“No just tell me India.”

“That was the least I could have done.”

Suddenly he was in my face but unlike Keith kept his hands to himself but that didn’t stop me from flinching.

“I am not him India,” he said calmly, “I’d rather kill myself before I even think of hurting you.”

I looked down ashamed, I knew he would never hit me, Peter was not the kind of person, “I know.”

“Then know this as well, you’ve hurt me so deeply that I’ll never trust you again.”

“Pe…..”

“No,” he shushed me, “let me finish, “I can’t believe you let him do that to you, least you could’ve done , you say? For what? I know he’s hurting, I know he has suffered a loss so heartbreaking that maybe I’ll never even be able to comprehend but that did justify his actions,”

“He wasn’t himself.”

“Himself?” he looked astounded, “he nearly killed you India. Do you even know what it felt like seeing you just lay there, motionless, bloody, broken? It killed me, I swore, had anything happened to you, I would’ve hunted down Keith and killed him.” That was something I never expected would come out of Peter’s mouth, this really did hurt him on levels I couldn’t even begin to see, but one thing I did see clearly, Pete cared for me, very much.

“He wouldn’t have killed me Pete,” my head begin to throb again.

“I seriously doubt that, I could not lose you India, I can’t” his eyes filled with such love that I forgot about my pain, “I felt so helpless India. It’s my fault, I should’ve been there, standing by you, protecting you.” When had I gained such a friend? Did I even deserve him? How could I’ve possibly overlooked his feelings, his friendship, him?

He was so much more than a best friend, ignoring the protests of my abused body I sat up and pulled him in, enveloping him in a hug, my arms around his middle, “it’s not your fault, stop blaming yourself Pete.”

Slowly, carefully he slid his arms around me, as if afraid I’ll slip away or he would break me, “I’ll never forgive myself, him and you,” he whispered in the crook of my neck.

And I knew he wouldn’t.

“lie down with me,” I didn’t know why I said it, maybe because I needed the comfort of his arms or maybe I wanted to comfort him. Maybe it was both of us, needing each other but I slept soundly that night with no dreams at all.