s*x with a Vampire

Nothing

(Warning - This chapter touches on mental health issues and rape.)

I open the door to my house and walk straight up the stairs. I don't bother turn around or try to persuade Eli to not follow me.

I kick off my boots, hang up my jacket and go to my room. I slam the door and fall face first into my bed.

Why do things always go so wrong for me?

Why do I break everything I touch?

"So we're slamming doors now?" his says incredulously. He's never spoken to me like this before. Granted, we've never really fought before.

I ignore him. I pick up my phone to message Garth. I'm sure he'll tell Harvey and then they would both be upset with me.

I won't have any friends when I go to work tomorrow. The thought of that makes me cry.

I opt for calling Garth instead. The phone rings out. I hang up and try again. It tells me the number I'm calling is not available.

Did he block me?

Tears are streaming down my face now as I try Harvey's number. His phone doesn't ring either. I let out a sob.

I try to call again but Eli grabs the phone from my hand. "Give it back. I have to talk to them." I try to reach for the phone again but he drops it on the ground.

"I need you to talk to me." He says softly. I'm not paying any attention to him. I try to get off the bed to get the phone but he pulls me back.

"I have to talk to them. I have to explain. They need to know." I cry.

"They need to know what?" Eli asks.

"They need to know it's not like that. You saw the way he looked at me. Like I was dating you to get favors in the company. I need to explain that it's not like that." I struggle against him.

"You don't have to explain anything to anyone Sam. If he's truly your friend, he wouldn't have even thought that about you." Eli says calmly.

"I have to make sure. You hurt him, I have to make sure he's okay." I'm becoming more frantic. I can't lose my friends.

"He's a big boy, he'll be fine. I didn't hit him that hard." Eli smirks.

"That's not funny." I smack him in the chest. It doesn't even register that I hit him. "Work is going to be torture. It was fine when I had my friends but now everyone is going to be against me."

"Why do you think that, Sam?" He's stroking my face, trying to calm me.

"Because that's what always happens. I'm gonna be an outcast again." I cry. I lean in and rest my head on his chest.

"I don't want to do this again."

"No one can make you do anything that you don't want to do Sam." Eli lifts my chin so I can look right at him. "If you saw what I see, you'll realise how amazing, how smart, how f*****g beautiful you are."

I shake my head. "I'm none of those things. I'm nothing. I'll always be nothing."

"Who the f**k told you that?" I hang my head but Eli pushes my chin back up. "Tell me so I can rip them to shreds."

"It doesn't matter now. None of it matters now. This is just who I am."

"No, Sam, it's not. You're fierce, you're smart, you're witty, your presence lights up a room. You're absolutely gorgeous." He scans my face, pleading with me.

"I'm nothing. The only value I have is what I can do for others. If I can't, I'm useless and a waste of space." I recite the mantra I've told myself for years.

"Stop it. I don't want to hear you talk like that anymore. I need you to erase those phrases from your vocabulary. Do you hear me?" I only nod, not really paying attention. "You're not listening to me. Do you hear me, Sam?" He shakes me a little and I nod.

"You are so much more than you know. I'll spend the rest of eternity reminding you of that. You have no idea what you're capable of. The amount of strength you have. The passion you have for the things and people you care about. You can achieve anything within reasonable limits that you put your mind to." Eli leans us back to lie down on the bed. We stay like that for an hour before I work up the courage to talk. It's better to tell him now than never.

"I read a lot you know. I'm fascinated by the human brain and why we do the things we do. They say a man who understands and controls his emotions is a force to be reckoned with. I'm no where near that.

I do a lot of introspection though but I'm afraid all I'm really doing is breaking myself apart. I only ever point out the wrongs in what I do. I don't know why I do that or who I'm trying to impress. Maybe my folks. Maybe everyone. I don't know anymore.

People think they act the way they do because of one moment in time when in actuality it's a series of events with smaller compounding ones that makes us who we are.

I remember some moments distinctively and others, I only remember the way they made me feel.

My boyfriend, when I was fifteen, he used to ignore me when I didn't do what he wanted. He used to come to my house and be all buddy buddy with everyone and just flat out ignore me. It would hurt so much.

He wanted to sleep with me but I wasn't ready yet. He would push and push and make me feel guilty because that's what a good girlfriend is supposed to do. I didn't want to be a bad girlfriend but I wasn't ready yet. Instead he just decided he would decide for me. One night he stayed late while my sisters went out partying. My parents weren't around then. My mom worked on another island and my dad had moved out. I fell asleep and he, " Eli stiffens next to me and I give him a small smile.

"I've convinced myself for years that I wanted it. If I wanted to I could have stopped him. He made me feel like that was all I was good for. He finally had me and he could have me whenever he wanted. I couldn't refuse or he would get angry and call me names. Tell me I'm nothing or that's all I'm good for. And I believed him.

After a year of it, when I graduated high school and went to college, I met this guy. He was a friend of my friends and we all just became one big group. He was so nice to me. I realise then how warped my brain was. I left my relationship and a couple months after, I got into one with this guy.

He was so sweet but I was already damaged. I would try to do things for him but he would refuse. He would look at me like some heathen. Like I was one of those girls. I thought this was what everyone did. It just made me feel even more alone. We went our separate ways amicably." I sigh, reminiscing on my past.

"I could just blame it all on my ex but I know it was more than him as well. I felt so invisible growing up that I wanted, and accepted, any type of attention. I never rebelled but sometimes I wished I would. Maybe my parents would notice me like they noticed my sisters. I didn't want to put any more stress on them but I feel like because they knew they didn't have to worry about me, they missed what was happening to me. All they saw was a happy, helpful child. Inside I was dying. I was so alone." Eli kisses my cheeks then my forehead. "I needed someone back then. I needed someone to see me. I needed someone to help me. Someone to understand me. I didn't know what to do. Now I can't even talk to my parents and I can't even tell my sisters because what's the point? They're just going to look at me like I'm broken and pity me. I already feel broken. I already feel useless. I feel so unclean and unworthy all the time. I feel like if people really saw me, they would tell me what I already know to be true. That I'm unlovable and no one would ever really want me. I'm just some damage goods to be thrown aside. My only value is what I can do for others. What I can give them. And if I can't, I'm useless. I'm no good to anyone."

The tears are back and I don't try to stop them. It's been a while since I spoke to someone about this. The only other person was my best friend Diana. I miss her so much.

Eli rubs my back and holds me close. I don't expect him to say anything. There isn't much anyone can say. I've held on to my secrets for so long that everything little situation is a mountain in my eyes.

"You're more than the choices that you made. And you're a hell of a lot more than what some disgusting human said about you. He only said those things to manipulate and use you. Some people just love to see you broken." Eli says into my hair. I can hear his heart thundering in his chest.

"He was right though. After that night, something was broken and I couldn't fix it. I have scars no one can see. But I see them every time I look myself in the mirror." I say between sobs. I grip his tear soaked shirt.

"No, he's not right. He was never right. Don't believe his lies. He's been holding you back your entire life. Having you relive your nightmares while he sits cozy the devil knows where." He rubs his cheek against my hair and grips me tighter. "From ashes you will rise. All you have to do is choose to life."

I look up at him, tears streaming down my face. He remembers my alter ego. "The phoenix." I whisper.

He nods his head and wipes my tears. He kisses my lips then my cheeks then my forehead. "You were meant for so much more."

He says it with so much confidence that I want to believe him. I want him to be right. I want to be more than I am right now. I want to be more than this.

"Be careful with the voices you listen to. Not everyone wants the best for you. Even your own thoughts can go against you. But if you forget everything else I say, remember this, I love you and I want nothing more than to be with you. You are it for me. There is no one else. You're the one." He kisses me with so much passion that my head spins.

I want nothing more than to do this every day for the rest of my life. He's everything I need and more. How did I get so lucky to meet him?

I grab his face and deepen our kiss. I hold on to him like I need him to breathe. He rolls me over so he's on top of me. He places soft kisses along my jaw and my neck. He takes his time to remove my clothes, trailing kisses wherever he touches.

I'm completely bare in front of him. His eyes roam my body. I shuffle slightly, feeling weird under his penetrative gaze. He takes his time appreciating my body. Massaging my feet right up to my inner thigh, before switching legs.

He rubs my shoulders, kneads my breasts and stomach. I'm in heaven. I know now that God made him just for me. I just need to focus on the good and learn from the bad.

He takes his time in making love to me. His movements are more deliberate and slow. His strokes are long and loving. He worships my whole body, leaving no part of me untouch.

Our connection becomes stronger. I can feel it in every fiber of my being. It's strange but I've never been so at peace with anyone before. Eli sees me and accepts me. He loves me for who I am and not what I can give him.

I'm so content by the end of our session that I fall asleep next to him. All I remember before I close my eyes is his face next to mine smiling at me.

He gives me all the reassurance I need that I'll always be okay. I can conquer anything. I snuggle closer to him feeling the best I've ever felt.