Those Violet Eyes

Growing inside me

It’s been a month since I found out I am pregnant, it’s still hard to believe there is a tiny human growing inside me. Today I get to see my little miracle for the first time. I’m so excited and deathly nervous at the same time. The girls really wanted to come with me to my first scan, but I promised Aunt Lily she would be the first to see the baby. As you can imagine she was shocked when I first told her after I got home from the hospital, but within seconds she was crying tears of joy. It took me half an hour of repeating myself before she actually believed me. We sat for hours on her big comfy sofa talking about all the exciting things to come. 

Aunt Lily is unable to have children of her own. She has never explained why, I know it hurts her to talk about so I don’t ask. My parents lived far away while my mother was pregnant with me, so Aunt Lily missed out on that pregnancy as well. Just receiving the odd letter from my mother now and then, Aunt Lily had no idea that I would soon be on my way to her. I came to her when I was just two weeks old, delivered one night by an elderly man, who just told her that both my parents were dead. She was shocked and had nothing for a newborn, but somehow, she made it work. She is a strong woman my Aunt, I look up to her so much. It makes me so happy to be able to share this baby with her. 

“Eva, it’s 10:30, are you ready?” Aunt Lily’s sweet voice comes floating into my room just before she does. 

“Yep, I’m so excited!” I’m actually bouncing on the spot as she comes and sits down on my bed while I finish brushing my hair in the bathroom. 

“Have you got your scan forms?”  

“Yep” 

“Have you done your blood tests?” 

“Yep, did that yesterday” 

“Do you need to do anything else?” 

“Nope, we are good to go” I beam at her as I walk back into the bedroom. 

“Good now get in the car I want to see my grandbaby!” I can’t help but giggle at her, she looks just as excited as I am.  

We had talked about what the baby should call her, one night while we were snuggled on the sofa. She said she was ok to just be an Aunt, but she is so much more than that. She is my Aunt, my mother and my best friend all in one. I want to give this small gesture to show just how wonderful she is. Pulling my laptop onto my lap, I googled names for grandmothers. We worked our way through the lists of names till we found one that just felt right. Some of the names were a little crazy or just plain weird, making us laugh out loud as we read them. Moments like this make me feel so content, quietly sitting in front of the fire just talking about anything and everything. Drinking hot chocolate and eating Aunt Lily’s home baking. Scrolling to the bottom of the list. “What do you think of Yah Yah?” I ask reaching over and picking up another chocolate chip cookie. 

“Yah Yah..........that sounds familiar, I actually like that” Aunt Lily mused sipping her hot chocolate. 

“Yah Yah it is then” I beamed at her. 

We pull into a park just out front of the doctor's office for my scan. Aunt Lily turns to me squeezing my hand. 

“Are you ready my love?” She asked 

I feel really nervous for some reason. What if there is something wrong with my baby or what is there is no baby at all and this was just a mistake. I start to feel my eyes tearing up at that thought. What if I’m not a good mum? What if I’m wrong and I can’t do this by myself. A tear slides down my cheek as Aunt Lily runs her soft fingers down my cheek catching my run-away tear. Fear of the unknown taking grip of me, dumb pregnancy hormones. Aunt Lily cups my face in her hands and turns me to look at her.  

“Whatever is going through your beautiful head, stop right now. You are loved! You can do this! And you will never be alone! Did you get that? She emphasized looking right in my eyes. I sob a little and nod my head as she kisses my forehead. 

“Good, let's get in there” She announces turning to get out of the car. I turn to do the same. Taking a deep breath. She's right I think to myself, I can do this! 

I’m lying on the doctor's bed in a hospital gown waiting for the scan technician to come in. Looking up and the big screen in front of me. It already has my name and date at the top. It’s Aunt Lily's turn to be nervous now, as she plays with her fingers looking at the door like a ghost is going to jump out at her. I reach over and give her hand a squeezy, she looks up and smiles at me as the technician opens the door and walks into the room. 

“I’m so sorry to keep you waiting,” She says as she closes the door behind herself. 

“Are you ready to see your baby?” Aunt Lily and I both nod like a madwoman, but can’t get any words out. This makes the technician giggles a little as she sits down at her machine and starts typing. 

“My name is Sarah and I’ll be your technician today, do you have any questions before we start?” she asks giving me a reassuring smile as she sets everything up. I shake my head still having lost the ability to use words right now. 

Five minutes later, “And here is your baby,” Sarah points and a jellybean looking think in the middle of the screen and my heart jumps for Joy. The emotions that stir in me as a look at this grainy black and white image are almost overwhelming. I feel my eyes welling up again, and I know at that moment I would do anything for this little jellybean. I hear a sob next to me, turning to see Aunt Lily with her hand over her mouth and tears streaming down her face. “I’m sorry” she whispers shaking her hand at us to look away. I smile at her, feeling so in love with life right now. I turn back to the screen in front of me. 

“Everything looks perfect, and you are about eight weeks. Sarah explains pointing to the data along the side of the scan. “Would you like a picture to take home?” she asks but I’m already nodding when she looks over at me. Smiling at us again she adds “How about I print two, one each?” 

“Yes please,” Aunt Lily and I cry out at the same time making Sarah giggle at us again. 

"Here you go, and I'll see you again in four weeks, for your twelve-week scan," She tells me handing over the photos, with a big smile on her face.

"Thank you so much," I said getting up and giving her a big hug, my heart almost bursting with emotions  

 Another five minutes later we are walking out of the building staring at the little black and white pictures we both carry, grinning little crazies. The rest of the day passes in a blur as I remember seeing my baby on that big screen. I could sit there all day just watching its little heartbeat steadily beating away. I sit on my bed still holding the photo in my hand smiling, when a cloud of realization starts to come over me. I wish I could share this with Arwen, he should be here seeing our baby for the first time with me. My heart starts to ache as I remember his beautiful face. I imagine telling him about our baby and how he would react. In my mind I see him being super happy, picking me up and spinning me around before kissing me until we both have to come up for air. I lay back on my pillows trying to work through all the crazy pregnancy hormones that are taking over me at this point. Somehow, I drift off to sleep. 

        I open my eyes and I’m in front of a beautiful waterfall. I must be dreaming, but it feels so real. I can feel a warm breeze running over my skin, lifting my hair a little. The waterfall itself is surrounded by tall trees and ferns creating a small clearing just big enough for the pool at the bottom of the falls. It feels hidden from the rest of the world. It's almost magical how the light bounces off the water making tiny rainbows in the water spray as it falls into the small pond, and hitting the leaves all around like small fireworks. It’s the kind of place you see in paintings with unicorns and fairies. I’m too busy taking in the beauty of my surroundings I don’t notice there is someone in the water. When I do, my heart stops. He has his back to me, but I would know him anywhere. The tattoos covering his back, spark memories of me running my hands over them, tracing them with my fingers. His hands cover his face as the water runs down his face and body, I realize he is completely naked as he starts to walk out of the water looking lost in thought. My breath catches in my throat, I can feel my cheeks warming as I watch him slowly getting closer. I am dying to run to him but I’m stuck just taking him in. As if he can feel me watching him, he looks up, our eyes meet and he looks like he has seen a ghost. My heart breaks a little as he shakes his head looking away from me with a pained expression on his face. Is he unhappy to see me?

 I start to walk toward him, I'm about to call his name but my foot catches on a tree root and I trip and fall. I try to stop myself from falling twisting to miss a rock right in front of me. Just as I’m about to hit the ground I’m woken with a start.  

Looking around I’m back in my room, back in my bed. It's dark outside and I can feel a chill now, I wrap my arms around myself. Aunt Lily is sitting next to me with a worried look on her face. 

“Are you ok love, you were call out in your sleep?” she explained gently brushing my sweaty hair off my forehead. I throw myself into her arms and the tears start falling down my face in rivers. 

“I saw him, I saw Arwen, but I couldn’t get to him” I sobbed into Aunt Lily's hair as she held me tight. 

“I’m so sorry my love, it was just a dream” she stroked my hair cueing at me to try to calm me “It was just a dream my love”