CHRONICLE OF HER EXISTENCE

4. ECHOES OF RESOLVE

...routine. The disappointment intensified when I found out my preferred school released their first list, and my name was absent nor did I receive any letter of admission. Broken and disheartened, one night I turned to prayer, questioning God tearfully. Exhausted from repeatedly seeking answers, I pleaded, I was tired of knocking on the door of heaven repeatedly."God, are you not weary of my constant pleas? I've patiently waited for three years, yet we always end up at the same point. Can't we move forward? Please, God." I was on the floor in my room that night with lots of buckled-up tears that dropped each time words came out of my mouth. The windows of my room were open that night unlike other nights I prayed because I wondered if the closed windows of those nights I prayed hindered God from hearing my nightly cries. So I opened them hoping it could help make my prayers more audible. Funny as it sounds to you my readers it wasn't funny to me, it was a matter of great concern to me.

That night in my room tears flowed freely as I poured out my heart in prayer, a fragile conversation with God. I decided to begin to remind God of his promises. "Lord," my voice quivered, "I know I was angry and as a result of that questioned you. I am sorry, I come before You, holding tight to the promises You've written in Your Word." With each passage, I sought solace in His assurances. "Your Word declares, 'For I know the plans I have for you, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.' (Jeremiah 29:11) Lord, haven't You promised me a future filled with Your blessings?"

As I spoke, vulnerability marked every word. "Psalm 34:18 echoes in my heart, 'The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.' I'm broken, Lord, and I need You now more than ever." In my plea, I referenced Isaiah 41:10, "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Through quivering words, I implored, "Lord, strengthen me in this moment of despair. Uphold me with Your righteous hand, for I cannot bear this burden alone." I kept motoring words of prayer until I slept off. Then I found myself in the realm of dreams, in there I encountered a mystical elderly figure draped in the wisdom of ages. Their words, spoken in ancient proverbs, echoed through the dreamlike haze, questioning, "Why seek what you already possess?"

..............

Confusion and curiosity swirled within me as the dream unfolded, the elder's enigmatic phrases lingering like ethereal whispers. Emotions danced between awe and uncertainty as if the very air held the secrets of existence. As the dream neared its end, a profound realization dawned – the understanding that what I sought was already within my grasp. With this revelation, I awoke, my dreams

are always a means through which God speaks to me. Lying down there on that cold floor I felt peace, knowing he had answered.

I rose from the floor and reached for my phone to check the time—it was already 5:00 AM on a Saturday. The mere mention of Saturday in a Nigerian household invokes a sense of impending chores and culinary activities. This particular Saturday held a unique significance; my elder brother, Chukwudi, was returning. Anticipation mixed with excitement filled me as he had confidentially shared his surprise visit during one of our w******p conversations. The secrecy added a layer of thrill to that morning. Chukwudi held a special place in our family, particularly with my father, who favored him as he pursued a degree in medicine at the University of Abuja. That year 2018 was his impending year of graduation. Being that I was the only one who was aware of his surprise return I eagerly prepared his favorite meal_ swallow with egusi soup. His return that Saturday made me put more effort into my chores and I did them smiling. As I was cooking, memories flooded back of the genuine love and connection he provided in the household. In a family where such expressions were sometimes subtle, Chukwudi's presence made me feel truly cherished. He was the one person who truly saw me for who I am. With him, there was no need for constant validation or the pressure to prove myself. I often expressed to him that his future wife would be fortunate to have someone like him. In setting the bar for how men should treat me, he became a benchmark, a standard of respect and understanding. His support and genuine acceptance created a foundation that shaped my expectations in relationships. In his eyes, I found a reflection of the value I deserved, and he played a pivotal role in defining my understanding of healthy connections. In all, I am still a young girl that will make mistakes.

................

As I was bustling around the kitchen, preparing for dinner, my phone rang. It was my elder brother, Chukwudi. "Hey, baby sis, I'm at the gate. Can you come let me in?" he said with a hint of excitement in his voice. My heart leaped with joy. Chukwudi was finally home from school, and it was supposed to be a surprise for our parents and our two younger brothers. I quickly rushed to the gate, barely containing my excitement. Opening it, I saw Chukwudi standing there with a big grin on his face. "Surprise!" he exclaimed, pulling me into a tight hug. We made our way back to the house, Chukwudi's presence filling the air with a sense of warmth and happiness. As we entered our sitting room, our parents' faces lit up with delight. My father's eyes sparkled with pride, and my mother's smile reached from ear to ear. I left them there as they exchanged pleasantries and I carried his bag upstairs to his room. As I was gradually pulling it upstairs my two younger brothers ran past me, heading to the sitting room with excitement, and shouting "Brother Chukwudi". I just shifted with a smile to avoid them pushing me down because they were overjoyed. When I dropped his bag in his well-arranged and clean room which was my doing, I headed downstairs to set the dining table so we could eat. As I was busy setting up the dining my elder brother decided to go bath so he could come down and join us. When everything was all set at the dining table and Chukwudi was downstairs too, We all gathered around the dinner table, eager to hear about Chukwudi's journey and his adventures at school. Chukwudi regaled us with stories of his experiences, and we hung onto his every word. Dinner was filled with laughter, joy, and love as we caught up on each other's lives. My father couldn't hide his excitement at having his favorite son back home, and my mother's happiness was palpable.

In my plea, I referenced Isaiah 41:10, "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Through quivering words, I implored, "Lord, strengthen me in this moment of despair. Uphold me with Your righteous hand, for I cannot bear this burden alone." I kept motoring words of prayer until I slept off. Then I found myself in the realm of dreams, in there I encountered a mystical elderly figure draped in the wisdom of ages. Their words, spoken in ancient proverbs, echoed through the dreamlike haze, questioning, "Why seek what you already possess?"

Confusion and curiosity swirled within me as the dream unfolded, the elder's enigmatic phrases lingering like ethereal whispers. Emotions danced between awe and uncertainty as if the very air held the secrets of existence. As the dream neared its end, a profound realization dawned – the understanding that what I sought was already within my grasp. With this revelation, I awoke, my dreams

are always a means through which God speaks to me. Lying down there on that cold floor I felt peace, knowing he had answered.

I rose from the floor and reached for my phone to check the time—it was already 5:00 AM on a Saturday. The mere mention of Saturday in a Nigerian household invokes a sense of impending chores and culinary activities. This particular Saturday held a unique significance; my elder brother, Chukwudi, was returning. Anticipation mixed with excitement filled me as he had confidentially shared his surprise visit during one of our w******p conversations. The secrecy added a layer of thrill to that morning. Chukwudi held a special place in our family, particularly with my father, who favored him as he pursued a degree in medicine at the University of Abuja. That year 2018 was his impending year of graduation. Being that I was the only one who was aware of his surprise return I eagerly prepared his favorite meal_ swallow with egusi soup. His return that Saturday made me put more effort into my chores and I did them smiling. As I was cooking, memories flooded back of the genuine love and connection he provided in the household. In a family where such expressions were sometimes subtle, Chukwudi's presence made me feel truly cherished.

He was the one person who truly saw me for who I am. With him, there was no need for constant validation or the pressure to prove myself. I often expressed to him that his future wife would be fortunate to have someone like him. In setting the bar for how men should treat me, he became a benchmark, a standard of respect and understanding. His support and genuine acceptance created a foundation that shaped my expectations in relationships. In his eyes, I found a reflection of the value I deserved, and he played a pivotal role in defining my understanding of healthy connections. In all, I am still a young girl that will make mistakes.

As I was bustling around the kitchen, preparing for dinner, my phone rang. It was my elder brother, Chukwudi. "Hey, baby sis, I'm at the gate. Can you come let me in?" he said with a hint of excitement in his voice. My heart leaped with joy. Chukwudi was finally home from school, and it was supposed to be a surprise for our parents and our two younger brothers. I quickly rushed to the gate, barely containing my excitement. Opening it, I saw Chukwudi standing there with a big grin on his face. "Surprise!" he exclaimed, pulling me into a tight hug. We made our way back to the house, Chukwudi's presence filling the air with a sense of warmth and happiness. As we entered our sitting room, our parents' faces lit up with delight. My father's eyes sparkled with pride, and my mother's smile reached from ear to ear. I left them there as they exchanged pleasantries and I carried his bag upstairs to his room. As I was gradually pulling it upstairs my two younger brothers ran past me, heading to the sitting room with excitement, and shouting "Brother Chukwudi". I just shifted with a smile to avoid them pushing me down because they were overjoyed. When I dropped his bag in his well-arranged and clean room which was my doing, I headed downstairs to set the dining table so we could eat. As I was busy setting up the dining my elder brother decided to go bath so he could come down and join us. When everything was all set at the dining table and Chukwudi was downstairs too, We all gathered around the dinner table, eager to hear about Chukwudi's journey and his adventures at school. Chukwudi regaled us with stories of his experiences, and.....