Summermoon Fire

Chapter one-2

He looked down on her face, hesitating, half drawn in by her plea. Suvi stood on her toes and brought her mouth to his, and twined her fingers in his long blond hair. His hands crept around her back, suddenly pulling her closer. After a moment, he let his arms drop, then pushed her gently away. “No, girl. It wouldn’t be right. Not now.”

She stood before him, lips parted, cheeks blazing. It took a few seconds for her to catch her breath and then she slapped him, hard. “Not... now? What in the hell does that mean?”

Lut put a hand to his cheek and wearily rubbed the sting away. “What you and I had was in the past, on another world. It is over now, do you see?” He looked over the top of her head, into the distance. “I am going to ask Jane to marry me. That is why I came here tonight. I wanted to tell you first.”

She didn’t hit him again, though he had tensed, this time, to stop her. Instead she asked, “Does your doctor lady know that you already have a wife? Will you explain that to her, before you propose?”

His gut contracted, even though he had told Jane the truth, long ago. “What are you saying?”

Now her eyes glittered like golden daggers, though she tried to make her voice sound innocent. “Nothing. And I’ll keep saying nothing, as long as you do as I ask.”

He backed away, shaking his head. “This is 1952. I live more than half a century away from here.”

“But I know how to get there, Ludde. I could find her. Tell her the truth. We are married. You know it, I know it, and soon Jane...”

He could leave, right now, and never return. Her empty threats did not move him. But that she should be so desperate for companionship... I owe her this much, don’t I?. Lut sighed. “All right. I will stay with you, just this once — if you are sure Tom won’t be back.”

She smiled triumphantly. “Oh yes. I am sure. He sleeps in the rooms reserved for the interns almost every night now.”

Lut didn’t bother to ask why. “Suvi?”

She was already removing her blouse, her fingers clumsily struggling with the pearl buttons. “Yes?”

“You won’t see me again. After tonight. Do you understand?”

She shrugged and turned away, slouching towards the shadowed hallway. “Make me a fresh drink, will you? I’ll be in the bedroom.”

* * * *

Six weeks later, Suvi sat once again in the kitchen, an open notebook before her. She wrote rapidly in her neat script:

November 27th

Another week has passed. My monthly cycle has always been a little irregular, but now I am very late. I don’t think there can be much doubt about it — I am pregnant. Ludde wore a rubber, but even though we were very careful, it must have failed. I suppose I should feel ashamed, but I don’t. Not at all.

Suvi took a long swallow from the glass of milk in front of her, and then made a face.

I’ll have to take much better care of myself — starting right now. No more wine! I’ll eat all the right things and go to bed early every night. I want everything to be perfect for my baby. Everything.

She looked up, and chewed the end of the pen thoughtfully.

Tom says we can’t afford a family yet, but now I am having a baby he won’t be able to stop it from happening. I’m so happy. I will have something important to do, something no one can take away from me. And I won’t be alone anymore.

Suvi nervously drummed her fingers on the table, wondering what Tom would say when he found out.

How am I going to convince him that the baby is his? We haven’t shared a bed in months.

She sat at the table, sipping the milk, as the sun poured through the dirty windowpanes. Tom had stopped by earlier, to collect some clean clothes before heading back to the hospital for the early round of surgeries.

“Will you be back tonight?” Suvi had asked him.

He looked uncertain. “I have a lot of paperwork to catch up on...”

“Bring it home with you, Tom. I’ll make something special for dinner. Please? We haven’t... eaten together in ages.”

He wouldn’t promise her anything. “I’ll try.” But he did give her an unexpected kiss on the cheek. “Bye, baby.”

Suvi touched her cheek, remembering. She stood, resolutely, and put the empty glass next to the sink, which overflowed with dirty dishes. She emptied it and then filled the bowl with hot water and suds. After finishing the mountain of dishes, she tackled the filthy floor with a mop and bucket.

The sitting room yielded a second pile of dishes. Cursing cheerfully, Suvi gathered them up, and did another round of washing up. Then she collected the washing baskets and staggered down the outside stairs to the basement-level laundry room. After finding dimes and soap powder, she left four machines running and headed back up the stairs.

The clock on the wall said 12:15. Time for a quick nip of...

“Milk,” she told herself firmly. Suvi had another glass of milk and a peanut butter sandwich. Then she ran the carpet sweeper over the gritty floors, and dusted the television. The Guiding Light was on, and she briefly paused to watch as Bert Bauer cried, sitting at her kitchen table. Suvi grimaced, then turned the switch so that the picture disappeared into a small white dot in the middle of the screen.

She had more important things to do today than watch other people’s troubles.

By three o’clock she was worn out from all the unaccustomed activity. Suvi donned her shabby coat and a scarf, then trudged down to the market, wishing she still had the motapede she used to ride in Severnessa. During the war, she thought nothing of working eighteen-hour days, keeping the shelter running by sheer force of will. She had cared... Nothing since then had mattered overmuch.

Until now. Now she had a baby growing inside her, everything was going to be better.

Suvi lifted her head and walked a little faster. The market had been daunting when she first came to Cloudy Bay, but now she navigated the crowded aisles with ease, ignoring the unkind whisperings of the women behind her.

Let them talk about her funny clothes and funny accent. Soon she would have someone who would love her just the way she was. The baby will be a boy. I will name him Benjii, after my father.

Suvi checked her wallet and then selected two pieces of steak from the butchery counter. The meat would blow her food budget for the rest of the week, but it didn’t matter. Tonight she would make all Tom’s favorite dishes, put shining candles on the table, wear her prettiest dress.

He would want her, just as he used to. When they first came to Cloudy Bay, she couldn’t wait for him to come home from the hospital. He would step through the door, smiling, call her pretty Suvi and, more often than not, carry her off to the bedroom for lovemaking, even before dinner. They were like greedy children, feasting on each other instead of strawberries and cream.

She shook her head sadly. What had happened?

“Afternoon, Mrs. Finn.” The checkout girl’s sharp eyes took in everything and found it wanting. “Celebrating something?” She spoke slowly and distinctly, so the foreign woman before her could comprehend her words.

Suvi kept her voice low. “No, no... Just getting some things for dinner.”

The girl glared. “What was that? I can’t understand you.”

“Never mind. How much?”

That, at least, got through. “Five dollars and sixteen cents.” As Suvi dug to the bottom of her purse, hunting for another dollar, the girl added loudly, “I hope you realize that we don’t offer credit here, Mrs. Finn. Cash only.”

Suvi handed her the money, grabbed her bags, and strode away, mortified.

The girl called after her. “Hey! You forgot your change...”

Dinner was ready at six. Suvi sat at the table, nervously awaiting the sound of Tom’s tread on the stairs. At six-fifteen, she went back into the kitchen, poked at the steak, simmering in rich dark gravy, then tossed the salad again.

A bottle of wine stood open on the counter, next to a single glass. Maybe I’ll have just a little before Tom gets here. One tiny glass wouldn’t hurt, would it, Benjii?

Her right hand reached out eagerly, almost as if it had a thirst of its own to quench. Suvi used her left to slap it away. “No! No more drinking.”

At seven, Suvi picked up the phone and dialed the hospital. The operator answered crisply. “St Luke’s. How may I direct your call?”

She had never tried to call Tom before, not when he was working. “Hel.. Hello. I want to speak to Dr. Thomas Finn, please.”

The smooth voice did not falter. “Could you repeat that please?”

“Tom. Tom Finn. I want to...”

“Hold, please.”

She waited. After a moment, efficient words poured from the earpiece, like ice water. “Dr. Finn has already left for the day. May I take a message?”

“No. No message... When did he leave? Can you tell me?”

“Did you ask me when?”

“Yes.”

Another pause. “He signed out at six o’clock. Are you sure you don’t want to leave a message?”

Suvi hung up.

At eight fifteen she ate, her teeth tearing at the tough steak by the dim light of the guttering candles. The salad had gone soggy, and made a wilted lump on her plate.

Where was he?

Angry tears slipped down her cheeks, and she used her cloth napkin to wipe them away, and blow her nose. Then she took her half-finished dinner back to the kitchen and dumped the plate in the sink.

The bottle of wine still stood there, invitingly.

This time she had poured half a glass before she could stop herself. Suvi took the wine and settled on the couch. The glass felt warm and smooth in her fingers, like a baby’s cheek. Benjii will have blond hair — just like Ludde’s — and his blue eyes too. Tom will never know the difference... He and Ludde look enough alike to be brothers anyway.

They were related, in a confusing way that Ludde had tried to explain to Suvi long ago. Tom had been born on this world — Earth — but he had once been alive somewhere else. A long way across the gyre, in a place called Yr, Ludde said, and Suvi hadn’t understood that at all.

“Something like my home?” Suvi had asked.

“A little. But Nunabind, where you come from, is much smaller.” His blue eyes had grown bright. “There are so many different worlds scattered through the gyre — like fish in a sea. Strange beyond any imagining...”

Suvi drifted off to sleep, the untouched wine still clutched in her hand.

When Tom let himself in, about midnight, he was exhausted, and a little drunk. He stumbled blindly through the kitchen and into the shadowed lounge. Suvi still slept, with her knees curled up. He stood, watching her for a moment. She looked younger somehow; pretty in a way she hadn’t for years.

Tom reached over, intending to shake her gently by the shoulder, but when he saw the dark stain on her dress his face hardened. He spoke harshly “Get up... Go to bed and sleep it off.”

She jumped awake and rubbed her eyes. “Tom?”

Suvi stood and the wine glass that had upended itself in her lap while she slept fell to the floor and broke.

“For Christ’s sake, Suvi. Can’t I come home for once and not find you passed out?”

She bent to pick up the pieces. “I haven’t touched a drop all day!”

“Don’t lie to me. You stink of wine.”

“It spilled! I didn’t drink it.” The stale smell of beer and cigarettes washed over her as Tom took off his jacket and loosened his tie. “Where have you been? I had dinner all ready at six o’clock.”

He spoke over his shoulder as he headed down the hallway. “I told you I might have to work late. I ate in the hospital cafeteria and then went back to my desk.”

Suvi closed her eyes, not knowing what to say. After a moment, she followed him into the bedroom.

Tom sat on the edge of their bed, stripping down to his t-shirt and boxers. He looked up as she paused in the doorway. “Did you do something to your hair? It looks different.”

She nodded uncertainly. “I wanted things to be nice for you when you got home. I’ve been cleaning and cooking all day. That’s why I fell asleep on the couch.”

He gave a guilty sigh and patted the bed beside him. “I’m sorry I jumped on you like that. Whatever you made for dinner will keep, won’t it? We’ll eat it tomorrow. I’ll come home early, I promise.”

“I guess so...” She sat down, close by his side. “Tom... I wanted to ask you...”

He pulled off his socks and wiggled his toes. “What? Do you need more housekeeping money?”

“It isn’t that. Couldn’t we... start our family? Now? I’d be so much happier if I had a baby to look after.” Her unbound hair formed a dark shroud around her face as she hung her head.

Tom frowned. “We have to save enough for a down-payment on a house first. You know that. How can we possibly raise a child in this crummy apartment?”

“Why don’t you ask your father if he...”

He stood, the slump of his shoulders sullen. “No! He hasn’t been in touch since I shut my practice in Litchfield. We could have stayed there like he wanted me to, bought a big house on the river, but you said...”

She rose too, and faced him. “I don’t care about a big house, I told you! I want a family. Please...”

Tom looked at her worriedly, wondering where this sudden desire had come from. When he didn’t answer her right away, Suvi sighed and turned from him. She wandered back up the hall, and into the kitchen. He heard a few dishes rattle as she tidied away his untouched dinner. Tom’s eyes brushed against the familiar confines of their room, noticing for the first time the row of freshly ironed shirts in the wardrobe. She had tidied the dresser, swept the floor, even changed the bed linens.

I’ve been cleaning and cooking all day...

Tom wadded up his shirt and threw it at the empty hamper. Gods, he was such a bastard. He closed his eyes, thinking back to half-past five.

Rich Stanley had squeezed into his tiny office. “Hey Tommy-boy, coming for a drink?”

Tom bent over his desk, wrestling with a mound of paperwork that threatened to submerge his inbox. “Not tonight, buddy, I have a lot of notes to catch up on, and I promised Suvi I’d be home early.”

Rich put his meaty hand down on the file Tom had just reached for. “Come on, Tom. It’s a cocktail party for our newest staff member. Have you met her yet?”

Tom pulled the file away and uncapped his fountain pen. “Her?”

“Yeah, man. And what a her.” His voice grew husky. “Built like a sweet little two-door coupe.”

Tom laughed. “Down boy! I guess I had better come along to protect the lady’s honor. But I’m only staying fifteen minutes.”

The party had gone on much longer than expected, but once Tom made the acquaintance of the newest staff member of St Luke’s Hospital, he hadn’t thought to look at the clock.

Remorse made his chest feel raw, every new breath like sandpaper. Why had she chosen today, of all days, to turn over a new leaf?

As the melancholy sound of Chet Baker’s trumpet drifted down the hall, Tom ran his hand across his crew cut, feeling the ache building in his temples. He was going to have one hell of a hangover in the morning.

He got up, drawn by the music, and walked barefoot down the hall. Suvi stood in the middle of the lounge, waiting for him. Tom crossed the room, determined to tell her the truth, but she smiled and raised her arms, misunderstanding his intentions.

“Why thank you, Dr. Finn. I’d love to have this dance.”

He couldn’t refuse her.

Tom and Suvi moved slowly in time to the music. The musky scent of her hair and the pressure of her breasts on his bare chest woke a need, and he pulled her closer. Suvi had her head on his shoulder, but when she felt his arms tighten she raised her chin. Her eyes looked like golden lamps, searching his face, trying to find her way back.

He brought his mouth down to hers, pressing hard — hurting her — but she didn’t pull away. Tom swept Suvi up in his arms and walked back to the bedroom, ignoring the voices that shrieked and shrieked in his head, telling him that it wouldn’t help, that it was all too late.

He put her down, and tugged at her dress. She pulled it off, without taking her eyes from him. The question was there, still unanswered.

She lay back on the bed, and he threw himself on top of her, pressing his pulsing erection between her thighs, waiting for instinct to throttle the life out of his unhappy thoughts.

“Tom...” she whispered. “Put a rubber on. You don’t have to...”

He spoke, almost harsh. “No. If this is what you want, then I want it too.”

But it wasn’t really what he wanted at all.