Rose

Chapter 2: the moon

It's been two days since the tragedy. I feel like a part of me was ripped away; a part of me I may never get back. I didn't even get to see his face... I will never be the same after this.

Since the passing of our son, Raymond has not come to see me. Hell, he didn't even come into the room when I called for him. I get it we're both in pain, but his silence both hurts me and makes me anxious. Anxious of how he feels, how his subjects view him. In the history of the kingdom he's the only king to go for this long without a child, an heir. The previous kings usually had a child within the first few months to a year of marriage. So I guess I can say I understand his decision not to see me. Why would he ?.

The only thing he has always wanted. The only thing he has expected of me in order to protect his image and secure his legacy I could not provide. He must be disgusted, ashamed to be tied to a defective queen like me. I have given into the depression and let myself fall into a pit of despair as the sobs rack my body and exhaustion takes over...

I'm by the lake at the clearing near the palace. The place I would usually disappear to if I just wanted some peace and quiet. I hadn't been here since we found out we were expecting. I hadn't been out really, I guess I just thought it was safe for me to stay indoors. Guess that aged well ( scoff ).

" MOMMY LOOK ! " a voice breaks me out of my thoughts I turn to the source of the voice to find a golden haired boy who looked like a much younger version of Raymond , although it wasn't him because Raymond has brown hair... POPE !. Oh my beautiful boy. So handsome and adorable all together!!!. He has a small fish in his hands and by the looks of it, it's his first catch.

" I FINALLY CAUGHT MY FIRST FISH !!! " he practically yells out. I smile at him melting at the toothy grin he has on his face. I bend down and lightly ruffle his hair. " I'm so proud of you my little prince " I smile back. I stand up and look around for Raymond but strange enough it's just me and Pope. " Where's your father ? " I turn to him but to my surprise he's no longer where he was standing. I'm all alone, instantly the atmosphere changes and so does the weather . The wind starts to howl as it blows violently swaying the trees from side to side . Thunder claps as the rain starts to pour blurring my vision and making it hard for me to see clearly up ahead.

" wake up mommy " I hear Pope say, I heard him clearer than ever like the storm had no effect . A chill ran down my spine as I looked around to see where the sound was coming from, it felt like he whispered it into my ear .

" WHAT!" I turn around frantically while also trying to keep my eyes open. " WAKE UP "

I wake up with a start as my eyes shoot open and my breathing is shallow. My vision is still blurred as I look around and try to make sense of my surroundings.

" YOUR MAJESTY ARE YOU ALRIGHT?"

" would you like me to call Angus ? "

Angus? Hearing that name instantly snaps me back to reality as my view comes into focus and reality starts to set in... it was just a dream or should I say nightmare. The numb feeling and the light buzz in my ears returns. The pain I have been feeling comes back full force and now suddenly I wish I was still asleep.

" Why have I been woken up ? " I ask Pepper my maid servant, not meaning to sound harsh.

"Apologies your majesty but the King has requested that I prepare you for blackmoth estate."

"What why?!!! What's happening there?"suddenly feeling anxious again. "The king has requested you be moved there for the rest of your recovery. He thinks it would be good if you weren't in such a familiar space, your highness."

My heart stinks. He doesn't want me anywhere near him. Is he that disgusted by me. He wants me moved to the edge of the city!!!. Blackmoth estate a small place where Royals go to escape Palace life, a getaway of some sort somewhere in the middle of nowhere but why was I being sent there of all places? there's another estate nearby That I could go to, but I guess the further the better. This only makes my heartbreak even more. I first my own husband doesn't come to see me, console me, tell me not to worry that we'll figure this out together. He just shut me out. Now he's sending me away... He really has given up.

I've heard back the tears and the lump that builds up in my throat as Pepper and the other seven girls help me prepare for the journey we decide to leave early as it is half a days journey to get there. I figured the sooner I leave the better for everyone.

I step outside half expecting Raymond to at least see me off. But to no avail, he wasn't there separation may just be the best thing for us at this point. feeling rejected and distressed. I take one last look at the place I called home for the past two years not knowing when I see it again as I was not given a timeframe on how long I was going to spend at Black moth estate I might just never come back. With a final sigh I enter the carriage, I came here as a girl in love, a Common innna. No, I live as a dejected queen.

We quickly get going as the weather hasn't been so good over the past few weeks, wanting to make it there while it was still light out I left with pepper and a handful of made sevens as not all of them were needed, and a few police guards with Jasper captain of my small army leading me to my recovery home I chuckle to myself just thinking about it. He's one of the few people here I trust. He's shown me that he's not around me because he feels he has to do it out of duty he sees me as a real person and genuinely respects me. When I first came this kingdom I wanted to explore my new home look around and familiarize myself with my new home, but Raymond was too busy to take me. Jasper was willing to show me around he took me to places that I don't even think women himself knows exist. If we're being honest, I don't think Raymond knows much about this kingdom. Anyway, he barely leaves the throne room. So I'm glad I am traveling with someone who has fast knowledge of this kingdom. I wouldn't have it any other way.

****

We arrive late at night as we had to slow down at some points in our journey due to the roads being extra muddy because of the rain. I step out of the carriage finally getting to stretch my now cramped muscles. Although we had to travel slow I insisted we didn't stop, I made sure we got here on time the roads are riddled with bandits, wild animals and heavens knows what other bad things are out there. We have security I can't expect them to lay down their lives because I decided to be reckless. As everyone offloads the carriages and takes the horses to the stables I decide to head to my quarters for the night. I must admit... I have been extremely exhausted I haven't been sleeping as well as I used to, thoughts of my son floods my mind and plague my dreams and even though it happened two weeks ago a mother never heals from such pain...

Besides, I didn't want to have to endure looking at the pity on everyone's faces every time we cross paths. I've seen enough of those to last a lifetime. My stomach grumbles, thankfully I was the only one who heard it otherwise Pepper would've force fed me if she had to, she can be hard to say no to sometimes, but that's what I love about her never takes no for an answer.

After I am prepared for bed I am finally left alone and that's when it all comes crashing down the facades and the walls I built to convince people I was okay came crashing down and I turn into a sobbing mess. I think of the different emotions I went through.

I went from being excited for motherhood and seeing my baby's face for the first time. Excitement for Raymond who would finally get the one thing he has always wanted and for the father he was going to become.

To feeling anxious for my babies life and wellbeing. To turning borderline suicidal; wanting to give my life to save that of my son.

To feeling hurt, rejected, insecure and not enough... Not enough for my son, my husband, my people and most importantly... myself. It doesn't matter what I do something always seems to fail, to fall out of place. I either do too much or too little.

My own body wasn't strong enough to fight to SAVE MY SON !!!!!!!. I lie there with the tears just streaming down my face, feeling weak and pathetic since that's the only thing I seem to be best at.

I turn to look out the window not even attempting to wipe the tears off my face. I look outside the window. It's a full moon tonight. It's beautiful, mysterious and captivating but always alone or out of place. Guess there's something we both share tonight.

After sometime I drift off into a dreamless sleep. An abyss of my own despair. Just to wake up and pretend I'm okay all over again...