Finding Love (GxG) -completed-

Chapter 13- Feelings

We take two vehicles to class so Gwyn can drop hers at the dealer to get it serviced. Gwyn needs her wiper blades replaced, air cabin filter replaced, and tires rotated since it hadn’t been completed since she went home for vacation during the summer. We drop her car off on the way and will pick it up after classes on the way home. Gwyn’s electric car certainly needs less servicing than a normal gas powered car, but it does still occasionally need servicing to keep it at peak performance. I don’t mind driving, but Gwyn is not used to my noisy, smelly, old truck, and I always feel bad when she has to ride in it. Someday Elise, someday you will have a nice ride. Gwyn parks in the designated spot, runs her keys inside the service center, puts her backpack on the floor of the cab, and jumps in the passenger side of my truck. I have a local radio station playing softly, but after saying, “Thanks again for the ride today,” Gwyn cranks the volume on the stereo and we both move and bee bop to the music as we head to our classes for the day. I find myself smiling after Gwyn gets in the car, but had been much more solemn before she joined me. Sometimes it’s good to have friends to keep you out of your head! 

Our first class was Public Health Nursing and we were assigned a large group project in which we are to plan, carry out, and critique a plan to better our community in some way. We have four people in our group. In light of Coronavirus being such a concern in recent years, our group decides to find sponsors to help our group expand community availability of masks and hand sanitizers. We plan to pair the increased supplies with educational information on proper use of masks, hand washing, hand sanitizer use, and social distancing. On the opposite side of the flyer will be an explanation of Coronavirus, how it’s spread, how it’s controlled, what signs and symptoms to watch for. Lastly, what to do if you get any signs or symptoms of the virus or have been exposed to someone who has been infected. Coronavirus was first talked about in China in 2019, went through huge spikes and lulls but if people do not remain vigilant about prevention, it could cause spikes in infection rates again throughout the world. Viruses and other illnesses tend to go through cycles depending on how well people follow precautions and maintain their personal health. Since Coronavirus is no longer in the spotlight now in 2024, we thought a good reminder or refresher would be a good idea. Hopefully our instructor will agree. 

After a brief break, where Gwyn and I run to the ladies room and refill our coffee mugs, we are on to our next class: Nursing Adaptations I. This class is the first of two in which students learn how to adapt both their approaches and the environment to give effective therapies both as nursing interventions and as prescribed by physicians. 

At noon Elise and Gwyn were done with classes for the day and headed to Elise’s Toyota Tundra. The gunmetal gray truck was sitting where they left it before their 8:00AM class, but now had a flat tire. Elise did not have full coverage on her vintage pickup, but she did have roadside assistance, so called the closest auto center to come assist them. Elise’s spare tire was put on by the service technician that assisted her, but she would have to get a new tire mounted before she had any more issues and again needed a backup. Elise apologized repeatedly to Gwyn that they were held up, but Gwyn just laughed and told her, “Girl, don’t worry about it.”

Elise felt embarrassed that her older truck caused them to be held up. Somehow Gwyn could afford a car payment with her other bills, but Elise wasn’t able to make it fit into her budget. “I promise you Gwyn, a newer vehicle will be my first purchase after I pass the NCLEX and start raking in the big bucks,” Elise said after she had paid the service technician and they were able to head for home. 

Gwyn had a shocked expression on her face as she responded, “Elise, I don’t know why you‘re feeling bad. If not for Charlie’s help, I couldn’t afford a car payment either. I thought you knew that Charlie helps me pay my payment? Do you remember I met Charlie shortly after we moved in with Andrea?” Gwyn kept talking, seeing Elise was nodding in agreement. “Well, my car broke down twice in the first month after we started dating, leaving me stranded. Charlie said he was already head over heels in love with me. He insisted that I allow him to help me buy an electric car because he felt it would be safer and upkeep would be cheaper. He assured me he had no intention of ever breaking up with me, but if he did, I could sell the car if I chose to. Well, two years later and we are still going strong, and with occasional scheduled maintenance, my car has yet to break down.” Gwyn makes a gesture like she is knocking on wood, even though there is no wood in the Toyota Tacoma. “ Now, I’m no gold digger, but it was a very sweet offer on Charlie’s part, and any man that will do that for his girlfriend is a keeper!”

I was floored. How did I not realize Gwyn was getting help from Charlie? No wonder she always has more money than I do. Charlie’s family was very well off, and obviously he had no qualms about sharing that with Gwyn or Lyn as he calls her. I cannot help but laugh out loud, “No darn wonder you let Chuck get by with calling you Lyn. Ha!” Chuck was what we called Charlie when we were giving him a hard time because he strongly disliked that nickname.

Gwyn smiles at me but says nothing. She simply reaches over, nodding her head, and again turns the radio up so we can jam all the way to the dealership so she can pick up her car. Just like before, Gwyn knows how to lighten the mood. She yells, “Thank you! See ya at home,” as she jumps out, grabs her bag and heads toward the door marked ‘office’.

I drive toward home and am quickly deep in thought, which has been my MO lately. Whatever would I do without her? I cannot help but wonder, with Gwyn’s upbringing, will she stand by me when she finds out I am gay? Our friendship means so much to me, and in my mind, it changes nothing.  I’m certainly not coming on to Gwyn… or Andrea. Our friendship is too important for that ever to be the case.  I feel so lucky to have such good friends, and that's the main reason I have not said anything and just layed low since starting college. This is so different than I thought it would be  three years ago, when I came to college. I love my life, but I just cannot help but feel lonely when I see couples around campus or around town, and I don’t have anyone I’m dating. Heck, everytime Gwyn or another female friend fawns over some cute male student or young male doctor, I want to scream, ‘I don’t care!!!’ 

I do care what they think and how they feel, but it's becoming almost unbearable since meeting Kam, to keep my feelings to myself. I want to tell someone, tell everyone, shout it from the rooftops, but I know I would be setting myself up for problems if I did. So I don’t, I keep my feelings to myself and try to continue to act like they expect me to. It seems like I uncorked the top on my feelings and now all the feelings I stuffed down for the last three years, all want to come spilling out at one time. Now that I’ve let some out, it's like I cannot put the cork back in. I had been able to function well with very little disruption from personal feelings, but now my personal feelings refuse to be ignored. 

I park in my parking spot in the driveway, and Andrea comes running out of the house and looks upset. “Sabrina was in an accident and has been taken by ambulance to the Emergency Department. Can you please take me to the hospital?”

“Of course, get in and let's go!” I say as I begin to back out of the driveway again.