Inside a Nerd's Mind

The Wolf and the Little Sheep

There were parts that I don’t remember. There were parts that I can’t forget.

There were parts that I can’t enunciate properly. There were parts that just flowed out through me.

When I started telling the story and sat in front of the class, I only looked at the floor, at the back wall, at the roof, at their desks, their books, their clothes, and anything else that wouldn’t be their faces. I was so pre-occupied by what they will think of me that I lost track of what happens next, that I was derailed from narrating the events in the story. I already had a hard time getting the confidence that I needed to sit in front, let alone speak and tell a long story in front of around fifty strangers. I didn’t want to increase my nervousness by looking at their smug judging faces. I tried so hard focusing but my eyes kept locking on the next rascal that made a sound whether it was a sneeze, a laugh, a ballpen clicking, or just a random bird from outside the window. My sentences were choppy and my mouth was stuttering.

The teacher called me.

“Ethan.” He said in a serious tone.

I looked at him back.

“Ethan.” He repeated with a serious tone while he locked eyes with me.

“Ethan, Relax. Calm yourself. Listen only to the sound of your voice.” He said with a soothing voice.

I took a deep breath once again and closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to see anyone else.

There’s an old piece of advice that tells people to picture everyone in the audience naked to gain confidence because you’re the only one with clothes on. Instead of the one being laughed at, you’ll do the laughing to them. But I really didn’t get that, how are we going to imagine each and every single one of them naked, especially the men? I would’ve needed to see hundreds of naked bodies so that I can at least realistically and completely imagine the audience naked or else I would’ve only imagined them all on a single naked body. Am I overthinking this? Nah. Probably not. But wouldn’t that be weird, right? I mean like… what if your friends were in the audience? What if your family members were in there too, your cousins, uncles, aunts, especially your brothers, sisters, father, and mother? I feel disgusted by just thinking about it.

So, what are the other things to motivate you and give you confidence when speaking in front? Some people say that you can chew gum before giving the presentation. It’s so that you can focus your mind solely on chewing the gum, eliminating the overthinking, and will help you channel your energy for the literal speech. Why do we overthink things before it happens? Do we not trust ourselves or do we not trust our surroundings? My own way of trying to be confident when speaking is to practice the speech over and over again and re-live or imagine any scenario possible that you are ready once anything bad happens. Being prepared gives me confidence. Not knowing the future gives me doubt and that scares me. I’m scared of being embarrassed, and you get embarrassed because you did something that you were not supposed to do, and you did something that you were not supposed to do because you didn’t plan on doing it in the first place. That is why I plan the serious events in my life to avoid being embarrassed. But that doesn’t always happen though.

I’m jealous of other people. I’m jealous of their confidence and their self-esteem. I’m jealous that they don’t care about what other people say about them, that they don’t care about their judgement, their opinions, their criticisms, their gossip. Zachary used to say to me that “A lion doesn’t concern himself with the opinions of a sheep” which is a good quote if you think about it but I don’t even see myself as a lion. I think of myself more of a boar, born and raised to just be a food to the lions. How does a boar transform himself to a lion? Is that even possible? Am I stuck as a boar forever until I die? Will I be forced to live the rest of my days anxious that a lion would just come out of the bush and eat me?

This reminded me of a story I was told when I was a child. It is the story of the Wolf and the Sheep. It goes like this.

There was a sheep that was running around, he separated from his flock to play alone in the valley. He kept running and running and running so fast that he didn’t look at where he is going. He only had one thing in mind and that was to run. But because of this foolish behavior, he ran towards a tree and knocked down a bird’s nest. The impact was so hard and sudden that the eggs were thrown away from the nest and the mama bird fell down and broke her neck.

“I killed them.” cried the little sheep. “I killed her babies.” The little sheep added.

“Why, why did I have to kill them? Why does the weak always die?” the little sheep asked upon the stars.

A wolf was hunting nearby when he heard the little cries.

The wolf looked at the sheep and said, “Someone has to die so that someone else can live. That is the way of life.” After a while, the wolf added, “In this world, you either live or you die.”

“B-B-But I don’t have wolf-like fangs or cat-like claws.” The little sheep cried. “I can’t live if I can’t defend myself.” The little sheep added.

“Why do you want to become a wolf or a lion?” The wolf asked.

“Because it’s scary, living my whole life, too scared to leave, too weak to fight; Why am I born this way?” the little sheep wondered. “I don’t want to be killed without even defending myself.” The little sheep added.

The little sheep laid down and kept on crying.

“Go ahead and cry.” The wolf stated. “Eventually, that fear would become your own fangs.” The wolf declared.

The little sheep looked at the wolf and asked, “My own fangs? How?”

“Living means fearing. Use that fear to sharpen your mind, to sharpen your heart, to sharpen your body, and most importantly, to sharpen your whole being.” The wolf stated.

“Could I really become as strong as you if I did that?” the little sheep asked.

“Come with me, child. Let me show you how to live with your own fear.” The wolf offered.

The little sheep was ecstatic and he ran towards the wolf.

“Your life will always be a living hell, with demons ready to tempt you and torture you if you aren’t prepared.” The wolf preached. “Do you want to be prepared?” The wolf asked.

“I want to be! I want to grow more than a wolf’s fangs or a cat’s claws. I don’t want to be scared anymore. I want to be free!” the little sheep promised.

I remember that story and I’ve taken it into my mind. I know what to do, I just don’t know if I can do it. I am scared and I don’t know how to channel that fear into something that I can use into as petty as storytelling. I just imagined myself as the sheep. What would the sheep do at this situation? And who would be the wolf?

I thought hard. I’m obviously the sheep in this case because I’m the one with the problem but who would be the wolf? Is it my teacher? Is it Zach? Jeremy? Kim? One of my classmates? My mother? The janitor staff outside? The principle? The alarm clock? Or maybe time itself?

I figured it out. The only wolf that there can be in my life is myself. My own person is the only one that should influence myself. My own person is the only one that should affect myself. My own person is the only one that should decide for myself. And my own person is the only one that will inspire and motivate myself.

We can’t be motivated if we don’t motivate ourself. We can’t be helped if we don’t want to help ourself. We can’t be believed in if we don’t even believe in ourself. We can’t be trusted if we don’t even trust ourself. We can’t be loved if we don’t even love ourself.

My teacher’s advice and motivation wouldn’t work if I don’t even advice myself.

I talked to myself, “Ethan, you can do this.”

I chanted repeatedly in my mind,

“Be the sheep and the wolf.”

“Be the sheep and the wolf.”

“Be the sheep and the wolf.”

While telling the story, I started to fade away with reality. I started to live in my own universe, a universe where only peace and serenity exists. And there I felt, the words flow smoothly out of my mouth. I got immersed in the atmosphere of the tale as I started to imagine living as one of the main characters. I began to space out from my surroundings, temporarily ignoring the world around me, blurring all the things moving within my sight, listening only to the vibrations that I create in the air - to my own sounds, to my own voice - and feeling only the atmosphere that I have created.

And as soon as I know it, the story ended.

Everyone in the room clapped.

There was cheering.

The teacher thanked and complimented me.

But most of all, I was proud of myself.