Inside a Nerd's Mind

Essentia Mortis

I was woken up with the sound of a big loud bang.

“Wha – Wha – What was that?” I thought to myself.

I looked around and noticed nothing unusual. Then I realized, it was an explosion that came from the television. They were playing some sort of a vintage World War 2 television series. I wasn’t able to see it clearly but I realized it’s probably the Battle of Normandy because of the vast ocean and the use of the Higgins boat which transported Allied troops directly to the sands of Omaha beach on where they were ambushed with gunfire.

The Battle of Normandy or commonly known as D-Day was terrifying. There were a lot of casualties during that day from both sides especially from the perspective of the Allied. Just imagine yourself, an 18-year-old boy, walking through the sands of Omaha beach while you are being barraged with machinegun fire with nothing to protect you than holes in the ground that was dug up by mortars. And in that moment, you can either run and you’ll judged with cowardice or you can gamble your life and march forward on where you can either die from gunfire or mortar explosives.

I remember when I played a World War 2 game. I believe it was from the Call of Duty franchise. It was a good game that detailed the story of a band of brothers throughout their war journey from Normandy to Battle of the Bulge. The game captured the themes of friendship, terror, and courage that soldiers experience when they go to war. It’s not easy being a soldier, I mean you have to undergo months of the most intense training with hard work devoting all your time, effort, and lives. Then afterwards, you’re probably going to get drafted to a war on where there’s a half-half possibility of coming back alive or even with a full body. They deserve all the attention and the benefits that they receive for all their service. I don’t understand why some people try to disrespect our soldiers or even neglect to show appreciation towards them. I mean, they’re practically devoting their own lives for your own safety and freedom. Don’t you at least want to show your gratitude to them? Like, they’re fighting a war that you don’t want to.

But, that’s one of my issues with war. Why do we send our own men to a fight half way around the world? Is the reason really fighting for human rights or human freedom or is it because there’s a lot of profit and power to gain from wars? Why do we sacrifice the lives of our young soldiers for the benefit of old politicians? The Commander and Chief or Congress can send our own soldiers to other countries to fight other’s wars. Is it really moral? We may never know the truth.

After a while, a loud knock was heard.

“Come in.” I shouted.

Then, who came in the room shocked me.

It was Zach, Jeremy, and Kim. And they even brought a bowl of my favorite food. Well, it’s actually more of a snack really. And it’s not my most favorite, it’s only one of my favorites. It’s a bowl of M&Ms.

“Hey Ethan! How have you been?” greeted Zachary.

“I feel fine.” I replied.

“Here’s a bowl of M&Ms!” cheered Kim. “We know it’s your favorite.” She added.

“Wow! Thank you, Kim, thank you guys. This is unexpected.” I thanked.

“So, what have you been doing lately?” asked Jeremy.

“Uhhh… sleeping, I guess?” I responded.

“Oh, yeah.” Jeremy said when he realized I’m stuck in a hospital bed.

We all looked at Jeremy confused for a second and then chuckled.

“Well, I have been watching this series. I think it’s about Normandy?” I responded.

“Ooooh Normandy, that’s a cool yet tragic event.” Zachary commented.

“Speaking of Normandy, have you got a chance to play the newest Call of Duty game? I think this one’s called WWII.” Jeremy asked.

“Wasn’t the gameplay cool? Oh, and the story, it was amazing!” I expressed.

“Yeah! Yeah! I played it for days and even repeated it over and over again.” Jeremy commented.

“Enough of your nerd stuff.” Kim interrupted. “Ethan, do you remember what happened the night you fainted?” She asked.

At this moment, I felt that the mood of the room has changed.

It suddenly became serious.

Everyone was looking at me, waiting for an answer.

I thought back and hard but it was blank.

“Uhhh… I don’t really remember.” I responded.

They looked at each other confused.

“You… really don’t remember?” Zachary asked.

I tried to remember it again. But all I ever remember was my mom’s birthday party and then I somehow woke up at a hospital room.

“I really don’t.” I stated.

“Huh – That’s weird.” Zachary commented.

“What happened was tha-“

Zachary was revealing what happened that night when the door opened.

It was the nurse.

“Oh hey, I didn’t know you’d be having visitors today.” She said surprised. “Hi! Are you his friends that called the ambulance?” She added as she turned to them.

“Yeah! Hi, I’m Zach.” Zach introduced himself.

“And I’m Jeremy.” Jeremy said next.

“And I’m Kim.” Kim said enthusiastic as ever.

“How lovely to meet you guys.” The nurse commented. “Did you know that if you probably haven’t called the ambulance, you wouldn’t be talking to Ethan right now?” She stated.

I was shocked by what the nurse has said.

I felt something heavy in my heart when I just realized what has happened to me, what they have done for me. The thought that I could’ve been dead by now? I just can’t fathom it. All my hopes and dreams would be lost, all my work unfinished, all my efforts wasted. I could’ve been buried 6 feet below the ground by now and the world wouldn’t have changed but they still dedicated some of their time and effort to save me. I owe my life to them and they are forever in my debt.

Knowing that you’re already living your second chance at life is a weird experience. You will begin to double think everything you have done in your life. Is my every experience worth it? Probably not. Am I proud with my life? Maybe. Have I done everything in my life that would make me contented? I don’t know. Do I have any regrets? Of course.

Have I wasted all 17 years of my life? Let’s see… I’m just 17, I’m still in school, I’m not yet rich, I don’t have a sweet wife and a loving family, I don’t have a cute and good dog, I don’t have a cool car, I don’t have a nice apartment, I haven’t travelled around the world, I’m still not CEO of my own company, and I haven’t invented a machine that would change the course of the world. I don’t want to see my life turned to ashes and be blown away in the wind. I don’t want to see all my efforts get wasted in one snap. I don’t want to die – yet.

Death is a fascinating thing, isn’t it? Just the idea that everything in this world has an end, it’s interesting. The thought that we need to do something before its expiration date or it will be lost forever is intriguing. Death is a sad thing but it’s also what makes us strive for greatness because we know that once we reach the end, it’s all over. Everything that we have worked for, gone. Our wealth, power, status, even our physical body – withered away. Chuck Palahniuk once said “We all die. The goal isn’t to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.”

What do you think would happen if a person would know when and how they’ll die? Would they do everything to avoid it or would they just embrace it? Would they cherish every last moment of their precious life or would they just lock their own self inside the safety and loneliness of their home? Would they spend their remaining days talking heart-to-heart with their loved ones or would they spend it finishing their bucket list or everything that they wanted to do?

What’s more fascinating is the thought of the Afterlife. What do you think will happen after you die? No one can really answer that until someone performs a miracle and comes back to life. Some people say you go to either heaven or hell, some say that you get reincarnated as an animal or a newborn baby with a different family, some say that we just fade into nothing. What do you believe? It just depends on the person, I guess. But I always wanted to believe that we would be given a chance to spend time with our dead loved ones in a place where we would only know peace and serenity. A perfect place on where there’s no wars, no famine, no greed, no sins, and only filled with love. John Milton once said “Death is the golden key that opens the palace of eternity.”

Everyone else was just silent when the nurse said that.

“Yeah, we’re just glad that we called the ambulance and it arrived on time.” Kim wholeheartedly expressed.

“You have some real friends here.” She expressed. “You’re lucky. Don’t lose them now.” She chuckled as she pointed at me.

Zach, Jeremy, and Kim also chuckled back. It was nice hearing their laughs. It gave me happiness and reminded me to the days back when we just first met. We would hang out everyday and make each other laugh. Oh, those were good times.

“Well Ethan, we just need to test and wait some more if your body is stable then you’ll be free to go.” The nurse claimed.

“Yay!” We all cheered.

“But for now, you’ll have to rest if you want to get out of here early.” She warned.

“Okay ma’am.” I replied.

“Well guys, I think we should be giving Ethan his rest time now if we want him to attend the first day of school tomorrow.” Zachary suggested.

“Bye Ethan! I hope you’ll feel well.” Kim wished.

“Hey buddy, I know you’re strong, keep fighting!” Jeremy expressed as he touched my shoulders.

I chuckled and said “Chill Jeremy, I’m not going to die.”

“Well, our group isn’t complete and pretty much dead without you. I mean, Zachary here is causing all the headaches, we need you to even it out.” Jeremy teased.

“Hey!” Zachary giggled.

We all laughed.

We said our goodbyes for now and wished each other well.

They walked outside the room while waving at me and I was waving back.

They closed the door and my room was silent again.

I was at peace.

I spent the remaining minutes thinking back on my life, my dreams, my hopes, all of my achievements, and how I spent my life up to this moment.

And then I slept. 

Death is needed for life to progress.

All men must die as all men must serve.