Inside a Nerd's Mind

Dear Diary III: What is Love?

Dear Diary,

Dating, what is dating? If I went out with a girl once for dinner, is it a date? Are we considered dating already? What are the factors needed for it to be considered a date and for us to be considered dating? What is even considered as a date these times? Is it going out to eat? How about going to an amusement park? Cinema? Or what if we decided to stay home and watch Netflix instead? Or what if we’re too far from each other or one of us can’t go out and we just decided to watch a stream of a movie, is it considered a date?

Why is dating it so important? Why is there a need for a dating stage or the getting-to-know stage? Can’t we just proclaim that we like each other and that we’re boyfriends and girlfriends now? I mean, if that’s what we both want and we presume that we’re going to be a great couple, do we still need to undergo the different stages of dating?

In our Personal Development class, we’ve discussed Personal Relationships, specifically more on Love. Apparently, in love, there are three stages of falling in love. There’s the Lust stage where you’re only driven by s*x hormones or your willingness to mate with another s*x. Then, the Attraction stage, or the “Lovestruck Phase”, is where your feelings - specifically your hormones like dopamine, adrenaline, and serotonin – are starting to overcome your body and your mind. It is where you already obsess with the person that you like, where you always wonder what they’re always doing, where they currently are, or most importantly, who they are talking with. This is probably also the stage where you feel nausea or feel your heart beat faster than usual when you see them. It is where you already feel that you’re starting to love or are actually in love with the person already. The last stage is the Attachment stage, it is where long-lasting commitments are exchanged between yourself and your partner.

Aside from the three stages of love, there are also four phases of an Adolescent’s Romantic Relationship. The first phase is the Initiation Phase, it is where the current romantic attention is shallow and only focuses on physical characteristics. It is probably where you don’t actually feel anything towards a person except being attracted to their face and their body. The next phase is the Affiliation Phase, it is where the focus is companionship rather than intimacy. This is probably the phase where you always hang out with each other and you prefer to be with each other’s companion as friends. They’ve always said that friendship is the best foundation for a relationship because you truly get to know a person when you become friends with them. But then the only downside is that some people are afraid to risk that friendship, they think that sometime in the future, they’ll break up with them and then their friendship would become awkward that they can’t treat each other the same anymore. The third phase is the Intimate Phase, it is where the focus of the paired relationship is intimacy, deep feelings, and deep commitments, and often s****l activity. This is probably the phase where you always spend your days with each other and on each other’s hands and bodies. This is also probably the phase where you’re already considered as a couple or a boyfriend or a girlfriend. The last and the fourth phase is the Committed Phase, which is where the couple is already better at resolving conflicts within the relationship. After years of knowing each other, you’ll probably already know each other’s lives, each other’s experiences, understand each other’s emotions, and really love each other that you’re willing to climb mountains and sail the sea for them. In this phase, this is probably one where you’re already married and would want to live out your days with each other until the end of time.

And then there’s another theory, a more commonly known theory, is the Triangular Theory of Love by Psychologist Robert Sternberg. His theory proposes that Love has three components: intimacy, passion, and commitment.

The topmost part of the triangle is intimacy, it is the closeness and connection between two people that is evident in their relationship whether it is romantic or friendship. The bottom left part of the triangle is passion, it is where romance and physical attraction can be seen between two people. The bottom right part of the triangle is commitment, it is where both of you already have experienced together and have already adjusted or resolved conflicts together.

In short:

          Intimacy = liking/friendship

          Passion = Infatuated Love

          Commitment = Empty love

However, if you mix two of them together, you can get this:

          Passion + Intimacy = Romantic love

          Intimacy + Commitment = Companionate love

          Passion + Commitment = Fatuous Love, or stupid love

But if you mix the three of them, you will get:

          Intimacy + Passion + Commitment = Consummate Love, or the love that can consume you.

As I’m writing this, I have just met the most wonderful and beautiful girl that I have ever seen in the world. I wonder what stage we’re currently in or what stage we can achieve. I definitely have feelings for her already. I get nervous and my heart beats faster when I see her. So, I’m definitely already in the Lovestruck Phase. I wonder, how does she see me? Does she have a crush on me? Does she like me? Why did she wink at me? Was it only a friendly wink? Was it to make me comfortable because I was being laughed at? What does it mean? What does the sign mean? Why did the universe ever invent signs? I’m so bad at reading signs that I sometimes just assume nothing.

I wonder if we’re actually going to be together or will I just spend my days sulking in the corner. Oh, how I hope to be with her. From the first moment that I saw her, I knew that I loved her. My body became light, my soul left for the heavens, and the love in my heart sparked again. Oh, how I still remember her sparkling eyes, her sweet smile, her innocent face. Oh, how I yearn for her, how I wish to be with her, how I wish that she would want to be with me.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Why is she ever going to be with me, to want me, to love me?

I’m just a nobody.