Inside a Nerd's Mind

An Insomniac Night

“I think that’s enough for today. We shouldn’t waste all our energy in one night. We have a big day tomorrow and I can’t wait to wake up.” Zachary said drowsily.

“Sure.” I said as I collected all the bottles we’ve used. It’s only a few bottles though; two bottles for me and three for Zachary. We aren’t alcoholics. We just thought it would be a nice way to pass the time. My third one is still half full, perhaps I should finish it when we get to my room.

We carefully went down the stairs and entered the kitchen when we bumped into my mother.

“Finished already?” She said.

“Yes, Mrs. Hunter” Zachary said. “Is it okay if I sleep here for the night? I brought all my bags. You wouldn’t need to worry about me.” He asked.

“Of course, Zach. I think it wouldn’t hurt Ethan if he had someone to accompany him. After all, I want everything for my sweet baby bunch.” Mom said while pinching my cheeks.

“Moooooom!” I said while blushing. Zachary was laughing. I was embarrassed that my mom called me pet names in front of my friend. I mean, who does that!?

“Haha! I was just kidding. Something to cheer you up. I felt like you were carrying all the grief in the world when you got down.” Mom said. “Well, have a good night boys!” She added.

We hurriedly put the bottles on the kitchen counter and got inside my room. It’s not that big of a room. We aren’t that rich. Just like any other room, it has 4 corners, a door, and a window. Our house is facing east with my window which is why I always wake up fascinated as I see the yellow-orange ray of light rising from the skies.

Beside my window is just my bed – which is why I get easily irritated when I’m trying to study or read or that I wake up in the middle of the night because of a stupid loud noise.

Beside my bed is my computer table which obviously includes my computer. The computer I use for studying – which is obviously a joke – and for doing the greatest task of all time, playing computer games. I only have a few things on my desk. I have two monitors so that it can be easier to multitask. I have my keyboard, my mouse and mousepad, my headphones, and my microphone. I also have beside it my tumbler – to be healthy is to be hydrated, right? - and a roll of tissue paper. I like keeping things tidy and clean. If I don’t have an immediate use for it, I keep it in my closet or inside drawers. I am so obsessed with keeping my things organized that I have specific spots on where I put my things. My tissue is always on the left side of the table along with my phone while my tumbler is always on the right side beside my microphone. When I have things to use such as a pen and a notebook, I always bring them back immediately after using them. I don’t like keeping things around like they’re trash after I’m done using them. Let’s just say that I’m kind of a perfectionist.

Across from my computer table is my closet. It’s not much. I don’t have a lot of clothes and I certainly don’t like expensive clothing brands. I just accept what my mother buys for me and what fits. I mostly wear t-shirts, hoodies, jeans, shorts, sneakers, sandals - you get the point – oh, and my school uniform too. Yes, the school that I attend has a uniform. It’s a relief because I don’t really have a certain fashion style other than it is comfortable. Oh! I also have to tell you that I like anything in the spectrum of blue or dark. It’s also my favorite color. When I look at it, I just feel serene, calm, and peaceful like I’m on a beachside looking directly into the vast horizon of the ocean. You can just feel the calming effect of nature when you’re beside the water. The cool breeze on your skin makes your hair stand like they’re also appreciating the chilly feeling of the wind. The slow, calm, and gentle movement of the waves makes me feel like the water is pulling me inside – whispering, “Come and rest my dear child.”

The moon shines beautifully tonight. Perhaps it has something to do with what I am feeling.

“Are you ready to sleep?” Zachary asked while tucking himself in the laid-out bed on the floor.

“I still have to finish my drink. You go ahead.” I replied.

“Okaaaaaay, suit yourself. Just make sure to wake up early tomorrow, we have a big day ahead.” a hesitant Zachary said. “Also, make sure you turn off the lights.”

“I will.” I said as I jumped into my bed and looked outside the window.

I was mesmerized by how quiet the city looked this time at night. It was as quiet as an exam room – without the anxiousness and agony of course. There was peace. There was calm. There was innocence. It was like the city wasn’t filled with destructive and vile people who care only for themselves. It was like I and Zachary were the only people alive. I wish that were true for at least one day each month. I’ll sacrifice my whole life just to experience that. It seems like everyone else is against me; even if I’m not doing anything wrong, people will delve through the center of the earth just to find one single tiny weenie bit of something to judge me for. Why can’t I just live a normal life where people wouldn’t mind other people’s businesses? Why do I have to live in a foul and selfish world? Or better yet, why should I consider living?

There was a lot of stuff that I thought about that night while finishing the last few ounces of my drink. After that, I went outside to dispose of my bottle. I looked around and it was just darkness – pure black like I was inside a void. My life is already a void so why should I be scared of it? I turned off the lights, put the bottle on the kitchen counter, and got back into my room. I lay on my bed, turned off the lamp, and closed my eyes.

This is what I didn’t expect. I can’t sleep.

It was fifteen minutes after I turned off the lamp and I didn't even feel sleepy. I honestly thought that the alcohol would make me drop dead but instead punched me awake. Or is it because I have so much on my mind right now that it wouldn’t even let me rest. I don’t know. I just tried my best and my hardest to close my eyes, stay still, relax, and try to sleep.

It was thirty minutes after I turned off the lamp and I’m still awake. I looked at Zachary on the floor and he’s sleeping like a baby. Since I can’t sleep, I figured that I might as well be awake and listen to music. I got my phone and my earphones and queued my playlist. The first song that played was Moon River by Audrey Hepburn. I immediately looked outside the window and into the moon. Oh how beautiful it is! I stared at its beauty and I was fascinated even further. I felt like it was looking back at me. I shivered like a ghost just passed by. I realized that I spent a good five minutes just looking into it. Why am I so obsessed with the moon? I figured that I might as well talk to it and bore myself to sleep.

I felt like I spent a good hour reminiscing about my past. All my experiences, all my memories, all my hardships, I assessed whether it was worth the risk or if I should be risking at all. Why can’t I just do everything that I’m comfortable with? It’s my life. It’s not like people would die if I did so. I guess it’s part of why people don’t like me. I’m not exciting, but instead boring. I’m not charming but instead repulsive. I’m not unique but instead weird. I’m not attractive but instead unpleasant. I’m just not interesting in the eyes of the people. But people do say that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I’m actually surprised at how my mom, Zach, Jeremy, and Kim can tolerate me. They treat me like their family like I’m one of their own. I don’t know how to repay their friendship to me. I certainly don’t have much to give. I’m not rich. I’m not powerful. I’m not interesting. They’re my only friends and I’m glad to have them. I’m not even looking forward to increasing my friends. People are hypocrites. They will lie to get on your good side and betray you when you’re no longer useful to them. They’re discriminating, judging, and selfish.

Ugh! This is just too much. This is what happens when you’re intoxicated with alcohol. You think of scenarios that are impossible to happen and be broken by your own imagination. It’s overthinking and it’s harmful. I should probably stop thinking about the night. Ugh! If only I was sleepy.

I spent the last few minutes staring at the moon.

I felt weird. I felt eerie.

I decided to lay on my bed and close my eyes again. At last, it hit me!

The sleep is here.

And to be asleep I shall be.