Inside a Nerd's Mind

Dear Diary I

Dear Diary,

The other night I was browsing Discord. Discord is a chatting application similar to Skype. The only difference is that Discord caters more into the gaming community. But even though it started that way, it slowly catered general communities which aren’t even related to gaming anymore. That’s why you can mostly see Millennials and Gen Z’s in the Discord population.

I was bored one night and I was browsing through a Discord Servers list. A server in Discord is basically a “Group Chat” in f*******: Messenger or a “Group DM” in Twitter and you can enter a server if you have an invite link. Some servers share their invite link publicly while some are private because it was only intended for a small close group of friends.

I entered around 20 or more servers that night but most of them are inactive or people inside were already sleeping. The active ones that I’ve found either are full of minors or they don’t exactly get my humor. If you’re familiar with the show F.R.I.E.N.D.S., my humor is quite similar to Chandler. I use my sarcastic humor as a defense mechanism when I am confronted with arguments or advice. Chandler once said “I'm not great at the advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” which was really funny to me because I can deeply relate.

There’s this server that I joined that had 3 people still awake. They were talking to each other though a voice channel and I joined it out of the blue. They were all near to my age and we lived in the same country, that’s why we had a few similarities we can talk about. I engaged with them smoothly, I was able to express myself and my humor and then seem to be fine with it. I share the same vibes with these people which is why I decided to stay on the server. It’s probably also why I never try to change myself because I know there are still people who can still accept me.

Is that a good thing?

Is it a bad thing?

Is sticking to what I like selfless?

Is not improving myself selfish?

I’m stuck in a loop.

I’m stuck in a dilemma.

How do I get myself unstuck?

I just don’t know how and when to react. I really believe that life is boring when taken too seriously, sometimes we also need to have fun. There will always be the correct balance in life, the yin and yang. There’s a certain amount of acceptable seriousness and fun that can be present in a specific circumstance. And this balance is one that I cannot figure out.

I remember on another server that I joined. It is an active one with over 2k members. Before they accept newcomers to join the place on where actual conversations are happening, a newcomer must proceed through an interview. This is a rare occurrence for me. It’s only one of the three servers that I saw with this kind of interview process. Once I joined, I sarcastically complained on why there was a need for the interview process. A moderator said that it was for security purposes to protect their members and because most members are of minor age. Yeah, like a simple interview would stop a person who is seriously thinking of committing a crime on the internet.

So, I accepted the interview. One admin and one moderator facilitated the interview on where the moderator was the interviewer and the admin was just listening. The first question that they asked was “Why do you want to enter the server?” Lmao. It reminded me of the age-old job interview question, “Why do you want this job?” because you are hiring, dumbass! Nah, I wasn’t that rude. I simply stuttered “I… found this server… on a website… and then… I wanted to join it.” There was silence after that. I laughed my ass off. Then the moderator said “Uhh… we asked why you wanted to enter the server, not how you joined it.” I simply replied “Yeah, I want to enter because I can.”

Why am I offensive?

This went on and on until the moderator asked “Would you like to read the rules?” I said “Sure.” when she interrupted me and said “Nevermind, I know you’ll never read it seriously, I’ll read it instead.” I burst out laughing and said “No, No, let me read it. I’ll be serious.” in a sarcastic tone. And when I did read it, I read it like a 2nd grader on where it took me 3 seconds to read each word. The moderator interrupted me again and insisted that she’ll be the one to read it instead. I got bored and tabbed out to my social media sites while still listening to the moderator. And then after a while, the moderator was like “Are you even listening?” and it took me 2 seconds to answer “Yeah, Yeah, I’m still here.” “Are you even listening?” the moderator said. “Yeah, I am!” I replied. The moderator chuckled and said “I don’t believe you.” in a sarcastic way. “Am I gonna get banned now?” I also said sarcastically. “It’s not up to me, it’s up to the administrators.” The moderator stated. The moderator felt okay with our conversation the whole time, I didn’t feel any hint of annoyance or displeasure. Actually, I thought the moderator was having fun the whole time or maybe I just don’t know how to read people, or cared to even read or understand them.

Why am I insensitive?

Then the administrator that was listening to the interview blurted out angrily “YEAH IT’S UP TO ME! I’M THINKING WHETHER TO ACCEPT YOU OR NOT INTO THE SERVER, ACTUALLY IM ALREADY GETTING ANNOYED BUT SINCE WE ARE LENIENT HERE I’M GOING TO LET YOU IN THE SERVER, PLEASE READ THE RULES AND ENJOY YOUR STAY!”

Why do I not think the consequences of my actions before I do them?

I was silent the whole time. I tried laughing but my conscience knows that I’ve done wrong and, in that moment, I immediately felt ashamed of what I had done. I muted my mic and was silent the whole time. I was allowed to enter into the server but I didn’t talk much as I felt ashamed of my behavior.

Why do I push people away especially when I want to get closer to them?

There are other instances on where I was warned and even one time got banned on one server because they didn’t allow my behavior of being reckless. I agree that I was being a little offensive but I don’t know what I got in me that I got exceeded the line. Maybe because all of my life I’ve only interacted with one group of people and I’ve only learned their level of comfortableness. I didn’t become aware of the reality of social interaction or the idea of comfortability and tolerance of other people. I admit that I am reckless. I’m shy but I also want to make friends, I just don’t have the guts to do so. But when I do talk to people, I assume that I’m already friends with them, I’m already comfortable with them, and that’s why I treat them as how I treat Zach, Jeremy, and Kim. But sometimes, I don’t know how comfortable they are with me and they get offended by the words that I say.

Why am I too comfortable?

Every time in my life since I was born, when I get scolded – I never look them in the eyes, I never react, I never answer, but instead – I cry. I just stay there, frozen – like a block of ice melting it self with its own tears.

I was never taught to express my feelings. Instead, I was taught not to talk back to adults.

I kept all my anguish and grief to myself, without anyone telling anything a thing about my life.

I was only told of the things I needed to do, not how to do them even how not do to them. When I made a mistake, I was always blamed, criticized, and reprimanded.

I only did and stayed on the things that I already have done or comfortable doing, I never sought out to do new things or gain new experiences.

I was ordered only to follow and to listen.

I never did anything on my own. I never said anything when I want.

I was told to study hard and look for a job.

I wasn’t taught to sought opportunities and start my own business.

They say hard work is all that matters. But wisdom is the greater.

One gives you food while the other, tells you where, when, and how to get food.

I want to change.

How do I change this behavior of mine?

How can I change this behavior of mine?

Will I ever change this behavior?

Is it too late for me?

I hope it’s not too late for me.

I want to improve.

Can I improve?

How can I improve?

How can I not be offensive?

How can I not be too comfortable?

How can I not be insensitive?

How can I not push people away?

Am I a sociopath?

Am I a psychopath?

Why do I let my humor define me?

Why am I immature?

Why am I narcissistic?

I want to grow up.